Unsolicited Horoscopes
“I Just Wanted a Latte. Now I’m Questioning My Relationship and My Moon Sign.”
Patrons at Luna Bean Café in Sedona were caught off guard this week when barista and self-proclaimed “astrological empath” Jayden Sage began delivering unsolicited horoscopes with every beverage. The initiative, called “Brew and the Stars,” involves reading a customer’s birth chart based on “eye energy” and latte preference.
“Your triple shot espresso tells me you’re a wounded Scorpio with abandonment karma,” Jayden told one visibly shaken construction worker. “Also, your foam spiral indicates Mercury is beefing with your libido.”
The café’s regulars are split. Some say Jayden’s readings are eerily accurate. Others say they just want caffeine without weeping into their reusable cup. “She told me my chakras were in retrograde,” said English professor Linda Portman. “I teach Chaucer. I didn’t ask for this emotional frappé.”
The most dramatic incident occurred when a Sagittarius was told, “You should dump him today or your aura will get a yeast infection.” She dumped him. In line. He was holding her croissant.
Jayden has since launched a side business called *Zodiac Foam*, offering personalized horoscope messages written in latte art. The Capricorn option includes passive-aggressive latte hearts. Pisces gets glitter steam.
Management is reportedly “evaluating the alignment of cosmic insights with business goals.” In the meantime, the café now offers an “astrology-free espresso” for those with sensitive signs.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
