Ella Langley Plays Kid Rock Festival, Constitution Survives Weekend Officials confirm guitars were played, beer was sold, and the republic remained intact by Monday morning BELLVILLE, Texas — Ella Langley appeared on the

Michigan Democrats Select El-Sayed Michigan Democrats conclude that ordinary socialism leaves too much room for privately operated lemonade stands DETROIT, MICHIGAN — Abdul El-Sayed narrowly wins Michigan's Democratic nomination for the United

Mike Rogers Congratulates El-Sayed, Quietly Orders Champagne Through November LANSING — In a stunning display of bipartisan grace unseen since the invention of the concept of "bipartisan grace," Republican Senate nominee

Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse Relationship Experts Warn That Flowers, Compliments and Replying Promptly May Be Early Symptoms of Having a Boyfriend NEW YORK — Negative people have successfully

10 Talking Points: The Free-Market Case Against Socialized Youth Soccer Broadcast-ready talking points for analysts responding to European "free soccer" arguments in the wake of Alexi Lalas's pay-to-play defense 1. "Free" is

Trump Ranks #1 On Iran's Kill List, Says He'd Rather Be #1 On TikTok Somewhere between a NATO photo op, a six-day funeral, and a plane that apparently changes its mind

Democrats Send Party to Veterinarian After Discovering Colony of Political Parasites Experts Recommend Deworming, Flea Shampoo, and a Quiet Afternoon With Adam Smith WASHINGTON, D.C. — Panic swept through Democratic circles this

Los Angeles Officials Discover Another Box Of Ballots Behind Previously Discovered Box Of Ballots Election Officials Assure Public That Raman's Sudden Surge Is Perfectly Normal, Just Like Every Other Sudden Surge

Airlines Have Successfully Sold Americans the Same Seat Four Times With Different Names and Prices Nation's Air Carriers Complete Transformation of Economy Class Into a Product Differentiation Experiment in Which Every

Paris Rolls Out 'Romantic Pickpocketing' Experience for Tourists PARIS — In a move officials are calling "culturally immersive theft," the city has unveiled a new tourism initiative designed to blend petty

Every Ceasefire Lasts Exactly Long Enough for a Spokesperson to Finish Saying the Word "Ceasefire" Scientists Time It: Four Syllables, Two Violations, One Press Release ISLAMABAD — In a development that will

Somewhere between a war game and a group chat nobody wanted to reply to, a Medium essay titled "The U.S. Navy Will Never Go Through the Strait Of Hormuz Again"

H-1B Program Enters Phase Two: Everyone Knows What's Happening, No One Knows Who's in Charge By the Bohiney.com Office of Institutional Accountability (Currently Between Assignments) Phase One Was Fraud. Phase Two Is

Trump, NATO, and the Art of Saying "Thank You" 🇺🇸 Some presidents give speeches. Some presidents give warnings. And then there's Donald Trump, who gives what historians will someday call "a strongly

Democrats Discover "Average Guy," Immediately Begin Intensive Study Like It's a Rare Amazon Frog Somewhere in a dimly lit D.C. strategy room, surrounded by whiteboards, oat milk lattes, and a guy

The NFL's Bilingual Brain Fumble: How Roger Goodell Tried to Buy Viewers Who Can't Understand the Ads Context: In February 2025, the NFL featured Puerto Rican superstar Bad Bunny as the Super Bowl

Legislative Discussion About Digital Accessibility Escalates into Philosophical Argument Over Commas and Tone Punctuation and Power People do not argue about commas because they care about grammar; they argue because commas

"Oui, Oui, We're French Now": Clooney Family Taps Out of Hollywood Because Privacy Is the Real Red Carpet The News That Started All This: George Clooney French Citizenship Here's your satirical roast

Can Democrats Reinvent Themselves as Washington Disrupters? Let's Watch How that Works with the Tax Refunds WASHINGTON—Democrats have apparently decided that the country needs more disruption, which, in D.C. parlance, translates to

Observations About the Santa-Crypto Oracle Situation Santa Claus predicted crypto rallies first every year on Dec. 24, but no one listened because he never mentioned sh*tcoins until Christmas Eve. A

Proud Boys Reportedly Disappearing After Discovering Jail Is Not a Vibe The Slow Fade of America's Most Problematic Polo Shirt Enthusiasts The Proud Boys, once a loud and aggressively confident presence in

Officials Call Plane Crash 'Tragic Accident,' Quietly Avoid Explaining Literally Anything Else Investigation Continues Into Crash That Killed Libyan Military Leader Search teams continue investigating a plane crash in Turkey that killed

Parents Undermine Year of Gratitude Teaching with Single Gift Receipt DENVER — Researchers studying parental behavior have identified a bizarre annual cycle: parents spend 12 months cultivating gratitude in their children,

Venezuelan Opposition Leader Outsources Acceptance Speech to Daughter, Saves Voice for Protests María Corina Machado, Venezuela's opposition firebrand and 2025 Nobel Peace Prize winner, has reportedly outsourced her award acceptance speech to her

POV TikToks that make no sense The Decline of Narrative: TikTok's POVs Are Now Just Vibes and Eyebrow Raises Welcome to the Post-Plot Era of POV TikToksOnce upon a time, POV videos

We're like a family here (part two -- the potluck episode) We're Like a Family--So Bring Your Own Fork and 3 Forms of Emotional Damage We're Like a Family--So Bring Your Own

Timothée Chalamet Too Clean to Be Dylan, Says Joan Baez: "Eat a Cigarette, Roll in Mud, Learn to Mumble in Metaphor" Timothée Chalamet Too Clean to Be Dylan By The Editorial Staff

I'm not picky. (Sends back water.) Selective Hydration and Other Delusions "Easygoing" With a 37-Point Preference List"I'm not picky," they proclaim, while instructing the waiter on the water's temperature, mineral content, and

Motto: "Swipe Right, Never Apologize" Trump Launches "Sorry-Free" Dating App for Alpha Patriots OnlyMotto: "Swipe Right, Never Apologize"PALM BEACH, FL -- In his most romantic business venture yet, Donald Trump has

Dumpster Diving Gone Luxe "We Don't Call It Garbage. We Call It Fashion Foraged."Instagram star @LuxLexa has sparked a controversial trend after posting viral videos of herself sifting through high-end urban

No Apologies, Just Angles of Greatness Trump Unveils Mirror Room in Mar-a-Lago: "So I Never Miss a Great Decision"No Apologies, Just Angles of GreatnessPALM BEACH, FL -- Guests at Mar-a-Lago were

People who clap when the plane lands Bravo, Gravity: A Standing Ovation for Doing Its Job Bravo, Gravity: A Standing Ovation for Doing Its JobThe engines roar, the wheels touch down, and

Theme Song Obsessions "I Thought It Was a Phase. Now I Wake Up Humming About Being 'There for You.'"In a saga equal parts psychological thriller and musical Stockholm syndrome, college student