Tacky Honeymoon Destinations
“Nothing Says Eternal Love Like Watching a Joust While Eating with Your Hands.”
Newlyweds Kyle and Britney Hannigan shocked friends and family by skipping traditional honeymoon hotspots and opting instead for a week-long romantic getaway at Medieval Times in Schaumburg, Illinois. The couple, who describe themselves as “knightcore enthusiasts with a turkey leg kink,” say the decision was rooted in “a shared passion for chainmail, honor, and dipping things in gravy.”
“Most people go to the Caribbean,” said Britney. “We went to 11th century Spain adjacent.”
The couple stayed at a nearby hotel decorated in what management calls “budget Gothic.” Their suite included faux torches, a velvet bedspread, and a hot tub shaped like a goblet of mead. Turn-down service included scrolls and synthetic hay.
Each night they attended the dinner tournament, cheering for the Blue Knight and booing the Green Knight “not out of jealousy, but because he was totally flirting with my wench,” said Kyle.
Staff reported the couple wore matching cloaks every day and requested to eat in character. Britney insisted on being addressed as “Lady Glucose,” and Kyle refused to tip unless he could do so with gold coins.
Other guests were less enchanted. “They kept speaking in fake Olde English and sword-fighting by the soda machine,” said one dad trying to enjoy his Pepsi in peace.
The honeymoon climaxed with a “Lovers’ Duel,” where the couple engaged in foam-sword combat under the parking lot torchlight while reciting passages from *The Princess Bride.* Security filmed it for training purposes–and possibly as a future wedding video extra.
Britney says the week was magical. “Nothing bonds two souls like synchronized joust yelling and the scent of horse sweat and Pepsi.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
