Talarico Says He ‘Missed the Mark,’ Texas Voters Ask Whether the Mark Was Located Somewhere Near Reality
Senate candidate discovers two sexes, conventional theology and girls’ sports shortly before Texans discover their ballots
Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico has announced that several of his previous political positions have “missed the mark,” triggering an emergency statewide search to determine where exactly the mark was, who moved it, and whether it had been hiding beside the November ballot the entire time.
The political recalibration follows a Fox News interview in which Talarico said there are two sexes, supported banning gender surgery for minors, and said he opposes transgender athletes competing in girls’ sports when safety or fairness is jeopardized. He also revisited his earlier declaration that “God is non-binary,” explaining that he had been trying to make a theological point about human categories being inadequate to describe God.
The development stunned political scientists, who had previously believed the most powerful force in nature was gravity.
It is apparently a competitive Senate race.
“Talarico hasn’t merely moved toward the center,” said one imaginary political consultant standing beside a whiteboard labeled THINGS TEXANS MIGHT ACTUALLY VOTE FOR. “He has discovered the center exists. That’s different. It’s like Columbus, except somebody had already built a Buc-ee’s there.”
The Miraculous Discovery of Two
The most dramatic breakthrough involved arithmetic.
Talarico acknowledged that he does not believe there are six sexes, saying, “There are not six sexes. There are two,” while explaining that his earlier remarks had been poorly expressed.
This represented an extraordinary reduction of 66.7 percent.
Economists immediately praised the efficiency.
“At this rate,” said fictional University of Texas statistician Dr. Randy Calculator, “by Election Day the campaign may have reduced the federal budget to three departments and a guy named Earl answering the telephone.”
Talarico’s campaign reportedly discovered the number two during routine opposition research.
A junior staffer allegedly entered “How many sexes do people in Texas think there are?” into a laptop, stared silently at the results, closed the laptop, reopened it hoping the numbers had changed, and then scheduled an emergency meeting.
The meeting reportedly lasted four hours because nobody wanted to be the first person to point at the obvious.
Eventually an intern raised his hand.
“Two?”
The room went silent.
“My God,” whispered the campaign manager.
Which created another problem.
God Receives Election-Year Reclassification
Talarico had previously said that God is “non-binary,” a remark he now describes as deliberately provocative and intended to convey that God transcends human categories.
This is a perfectly legitimate theological argument to debate.
Unfortunately, Texas politics is not a graduate seminar in medieval theology.
It’s Texas.
You can discuss the ontological limitations of human language in describing the divine, but eventually somebody named Travis is going to ask whether you’re putting brisket sauce on the side.
Political consultants therefore reportedly advised Talarico that describing the Almighty using terminology associated with contemporary gender politics may not be the most efficient method of winning undecided churchgoers in Lubbock.
Campaign officials subsequently conducted extensive theological research consisting of three focus groups, two Baptist grandmothers and one pollster saying, “Please, James.”
God was unavailable for comment.
This did not prevent political consultants from interpreting His silence as a four-point movement toward the center.
Scientists Discover Seventh Gender: Undecided Voter
The greatest breakthrough, however, came when campaign researchers reportedly discovered a previously unknown seventh category.
Undecided.
Unlike the first six, this one votes.
This realization has transformed the campaign.
Political operatives have known for decades that the undecided voter is one of America’s strangest creatures. He has endured six months of advertisements, debates, scandals, endorsements, yard signs, television interviews and unsolicited text messages and still announces on October 28:
“I don’t know. I need to hear more.”
More?
Buddy, you’ve received seventeen pounds of campaign mail. At this point you know the candidates better than their dentists.
Yet the undecided voter possesses one extraordinary characteristic.
Candidates suddenly become extremely interested in what he believes.
The committed progressive can write 4,000 words on social media explaining gender theory.
The committed conservative can post a photograph of himself firing a flamethrower at a stack of IRS forms.
But somewhere between them sits Gary from Plano.
Gary wants cheap gasoline.
Gary has a mortgage.
Gary’s daughter plays volleyball.
Gary thinks six sexes sounds like something invented because five wasn’t sufficiently confusing.
And suddenly everybody wants Gary.
Candidate Undergoes Successful Political Transition
Talarico’s evolving positions have also created what doctors are calling the first documented case of electoral transition.
His previous position no longer identifies as his current position.
Political medicine considers this perfectly normal.
Candidates frequently undergo ideological changes as elections approach. Symptoms include sudden enthusiasm for balanced budgets, border security, small businesses, churches, police officers, domestic manufacturing and whatever food is being served at the county fair.
The condition usually appears between the party primary and general election.
There is no known cure.
Except winning.
After Election Day, symptoms frequently disappear.
According to Fox News, Talarico also said he would “absolutely” support a national ban on gender surgery for minors. He explained that although he voted against Texas SB 14 in 2023, he supported an amendment that would have narrowed the legislation to surgical procedures and opposed the broader bill because it also covered other treatments.
That distinction is important in serious policy analysis.
In satire, however, it requires approximately eleven lawyers and a folding table.
The campaign’s position can therefore be summarized as:
“I opposed the thing because it contained more things than the thing I supported.”
Congress immediately recognized this as its native language.
Girls’ Sports Suddenly Become Detectable
Talarico also told Fox News that he opposes transgender athletes participating in girls’ sports when doing so threatens safety or fairness.
This apparently marks another election-year scientific breakthrough: girls exist.
More importantly, their athletic competitions may involve something called “fairness.”
Researchers believe fairness was once widely used in American sports before being replaced by congressional hearings.
One fictional Texas mother told reporters she welcomed the discovery.
“My daughter has been playing softball for eight years,” she said. “We’re delighted politicians have finally located her. She’s been standing in right field since 2018.”
Diesel Performs Surprise Gender-Reveal Party
Talarico attempted to pivot from the controversy toward affordability, arguing that Republicans would rather discuss “six sexes” than “$6 diesel.”
This was strategically clever because diesel fuel has traditionally performed poorly in culture-war debates.
Diesel has no pronouns.
Diesel doesn’t care about theology.
Diesel identifies as expensive.
And unlike most political arguments, you can actually display its position on a sign beside Interstate 35.
Talarico said affordability, including groceries, gasoline, utilities and healthcare, would be his focus through Election Day.
Texas voters responded favorably to the possibility that politicians might discuss things Texans purchase.
A completely fabricated survey by the Institute for People Who Have Actually Bought Groceries found voters ranked their priorities as:
- Food.
- Housing.
- Gasoline.
- Healthcare.
- Jobs.
- Taxes.
- Roads.
- Schools.
- Whether the Dallas Cowboys will ever stop emotionally blackmailing an entire state.
- Advanced theological applications of contemporary gender terminology.
Margin of error: plus or minus Jerry Jones.
Political Science Finally Explains Everything
The episode illustrates one of democracy’s oldest natural laws.
Candidates become more moderate as the number of persuadable voters increases.
This is not hypocrisy in the traditional sense.
It is seasonal migration.
Birds fly south.
Salmon swim upstream.
Senate candidates migrate toward the median voter.
Every two years Americans witness the majestic spectacle of politicians who spent the primary shouting toward the ideological poles suddenly wandering into diners saying things like:
“Folks are tired of extremism.”
Yes.
Some of those folks heard you during the primary.
Political scientists call this general-election positioning.
Normal people call it finding out your old interviews are still on the internet.
Texas Voters Continue Search for the Mark
Talarico deserves some credit for plainly acknowledging that some previous remarks “missed the mark.” Politicians usually prefer the traditional formulation: “My comments were taken out of context,” where “context” means “the portion of the video containing my comments.”
Admitting error is healthier.
The remaining question is whether voters view the changes as genuine reconsideration or campaign-season recalibration.
That decision belongs to Texans.
And Texans have a remarkably efficient mechanism for expressing it.
It’s called an election.
On November 3, voters will enter polling places carrying the accumulated wisdom of campaign advertisements, interviews, debates, grocery receipts, gasoline bills and whatever their brother-in-law posted on Facebook at 2:13 in the morning.
They will examine James Talarico’s latest positions.
They will consider six sexes, two sexes, girls’ sports, gender surgery, God, diesel prices, groceries and the Supreme Court.
Then they will perform the only political transition that ultimately matters:
Undecided → Voted.
And somewhere in a campaign headquarters, a consultant will stare at the results and announce whether James Talarico finally found the mark.
Or missed it by several million Texans.
Humorous Observations
- A Senate campaign discovered basic arithmetic the same week it discovered basic biology.
- God was reportedly reclassified twice in one election cycle without ever issuing a press release.
- The seventh gender identified by researchers turned out to be the only one that actually shows up to vote.
- Diesel fuel proved to be the least controversial topic of the entire Fox News interview.
- Gary from Plano became the most powerful man in Texas without ever announcing a single opinion out loud.
- The Dallas Cowboys ranked higher on the priorities survey than most constitutional amendments.
- An intern discovering the number two reportedly required a four-hour meeting and several Baptist grandmothers.
Satire Disclaimer: This article is satire. The statements attributed directly to James Talarico are based on his reported public comments; invented experts, witnesses, surveys, consultants, interns and Dr. Randy Calculator are comic devices rather than actual sources. For the underlying reporting and Talarico’s fuller explanations, consult the linked Fox News report.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Neither has yet determined how many political positions can occupy the same Senate campaign simultaneously, although grant applications are pending.