Brian Schottenheimer

The Schottenheimer Shuffle: Has Jerry Finally Gone Full Crypt-Keeper?

By C.R. “Loose Lips” Leake, Senior Satirical Sports Analyst

Dallas Cowboys owner and eternal time traveler Jerry Jones made another galaxy-brained coaching decision, hiring Brian Schottenheimer as offensive coordinator. Cowboys fans, who live in a perpetual state of “We Dem Boyz” delusion, are now trying to decode what this means for their Super Bowl aspirations.

We at Bohiney Sports have assembled six major questions surrounding this hire—plus, because we were legally required to include a grade, we’ll slap a letter on it like a teacher who gave up in November.

“Hiring Schottenheimer to fix your offense is like hiring a librarian to DJ your wedding.” — Kevin Hart

Will the Cowboys Finally Play Like a Team Coached by a Schottenheimer?

The Schottenheimer name carries a rich tradition of “almost getting there” in the NFL. Marty Schottenheimer built a legacy of 14-win seasons that ended in tragic playoff losses. His son, Brian, inherited that legacy but without all the pesky success leading up to the collapse.

“Brian Schottenheimer’s playbook is so conservative, it was last seen blocking book fairs in Texas,” said football historian Buck “Fourth and Dumb” Davidson.

Former players describe Schottenheimer’s schemes as “establishing the run until the end of time,” which should fit perfectly with Jerry Jones’ personal philosophy of running the franchise like a failing 1990s blockbuster sequel.

Does Schottenheimer Have the Creativity to Elevate the Offense?

Let’s be clear: Brian Schottenheimer is not Sean McVay, Kyle Shanahan, or even a guy with a Wi-Fi connection who can Google ‘modern offense.’ His best trick play is a slightly disguised screen pass. His version of “going deep” is running the ball four times in a row to set up a punt.

Cowboys analyst Bobby “No Ring” Fortworth summed it up: “The guy has the imagination of a stapler. He’s the human embodiment of the ‘run, run, pass, punt’ philosophy.”

Cowboys fans are bracing for a season where Dak Prescott’s most exciting pass play will be a two-yard checkdown to Tony Pollard, who will then be blamed for not taking it to the house.

How Much of This Decision Was Jerry Jones Being Jerry Jones?

Every major Cowboys coaching hire involves one fundamental question: Is this person capable, or did Jerry Jones just enjoy having drinks with them in 1997?

Schottenheimer has now been hired by five different NFL teams, which suggests one of two things:

He is an offensive genius who keeps getting unfairly dismissed.
He has a LinkedIn page so persuasive it should be investigated by the SEC.

Inside sources say Jerry was charmed when Schottenheimer “spoke in complete sentences and had an actual last name,” which met 100% of the Cowboys’ hiring requirements.

Does This Mean Mike McCarthy is Officially Just a Mascot?

In related news, Mike McCarthy is still pretending he’s in charge. Officially, he’s calling the plays, but let’s be honest: If Jerry wanted a coach to make real decisions, he would have hired a hologram of Tom Landry.

“McCarthy has the power of a substitute teacher in a classroom full of rich kids,” said former Cowboys QB Chad “Clipboard Jesus” Leftwich.

At this point, the biggest decision McCarthy gets to make is whether to go with extra ranch dressing on his pregame wings.

Will Schottenheimer Help Dak Prescott Stop Throwing to the Other Team?

Dak Prescott was a turnover machine last year, generously distributing footballs to opposing secondaries like he was working for FedEx. Naturally, the Cowboys’ solution to this problem was hiring an offensive coordinator who… historically runs the ball 70% of the time.

“This is like trying to fix a leaky roof by setting the whole house on fire,” said Gus “Blitzed Out” Carmichael, former NFL coach-turned-YouTube conspiracy theorist.

Schottenheimer’s entire offensive plan boils down to:

Run.
Run.
Pray.
Punt.

Cowboys insiders have already reported that CeeDee Lamb has entered therapy, as his new role will mostly involve running deep routes that Dak never actually throws.

What is the Actual Grade for This Hire?

Cowboys fans demand answers, so here is our highly scientific grading system for the Schottenheimer hire:

X-Factor: Jerry Jones’ ability to override all coaching decisions like a Bond villain.
Innovative Play Calling: Somewhere between “handing the ball off” and “handing the ball off twice.”
Potential to Ruin Thanksgiving: Extremely high.
Dak Prescott’s Turnover Rate After This Move: Best-case scenario? Still “alarming.”

Final Grade: C-, with an option to retake the class next semester.

What to Expect Next

Cowboys fans, buckle up. We are in for 17 weeks of bubble screens, power runs, and Dak staring at the sideline with “Why do you hate me?” eyes. The NFC East is already licking their chops at the idea of playing a Cowboys offense that has all the innovation of a 1998 PowerPoint presentation.

As always, Dallas will start 5-1, look unstoppable, and then self-destruct in the most tragic, meme-worthy way possible.

Schottenheimer will probably get fired next offseason, but not before Jerry Jones extends his contract—because this is the Dallas Cowboys, where logic is for suckers, and suffering is a lifestyle.

Disclaimer

This article was written by C.R. “Loose Lips” Leake, a Bohiney.com-certified expert in NFL overreaction, Cowboys’ inevitable collapses, and identifying when Jerry Jones is making decisions based solely on his personal drinking buddies. No actual Cowboys fans were harmed in the writing of this article—though they did weep openly.

Dallas Cowboys – A humorous and exaggerated illustration in the style of Bohiney depicting a new coach at the Dallas Cowboys. The coach is an over-the-top, …- Bohiney News

15 Takes on the Cowboys Hiring Brian Schottenheimer

The Cowboys hiring Brian Schottenheimer is like ordering a steak and getting a microwaved hot dog.
Schottenheimer’s playbook is so outdated, it still has instructions for how to stop the Wildcat.
Cowboys fans were hoping for a young offensive genius—what they got was a guy who still uses a flip phone.
The only thing Schottenheimer loves more than running the ball on third-and-long is blaming the quarterback.
The Cowboys’ offense is now officially sponsored by Benadryl—because it’s about to put everyone to sleep.
If you ever wonder why time travel isn’t real, just remember: Jerry Jones still thinks it’s 1995.
Brian Schottenheimer has worked for five different NFL teams, which means he’s either a great coach or just really good at job interviews.
Schottenheimer’s idea of “innovation” is running the exact same play, but flipping it to the other side.
Cowboys fans are already rehearsing their “fire Schottenheimer” chants, just in case they get an early start.
If Jerry Jones were a college professor, every test would be multiple choice… with only one wrong answer.
Schottenheimer’s offensive philosophy is so conservative, even Texas politicians are saying, “Whoa, let’s chill a little.”
The last time Schottenheimer ran a creative offense, YouTube didn’t even exist yet.
If you don’t like watching your team throw for more than 200 yards a game, congratulations, this hire is for you.
Dallas just became the first NFL team to successfully travel back in time… to the year 2004.
The Cowboys are about to have a run-heavy offense that Jerry Jones will ignore in favor of signing another receiver he doesn’t need.