Congress Rushes to Save College Football From Terrifying Epidemic of Money and Popularity ESPN, lawmakers and the NCAA unite around America's newest endangered species: an industry with packed stadiums, enormous television

Talarico Says He ‘Missed the Mark,’ Texas Voters Ask Whether the Mark Was Located Somewhere Near Reality Senate candidate discovers two sexes, conventional theology and girls’ sports shortly before Texans discover

Sinema's Legal Defense: Yes, There Was an Affair, but Please Consult the Map North Carolina Judge Refuses to Dismiss Homewrecker Case as America Discovers Romance May Have Minimum Contacts Former U.S. Senator

Tony Romo Could Land Anywhere After CBS Discovers Football Knowledge Costs More Than Corporate Amnesia Network Reportedly Prepared to Defend Its Principles Until Another Broadcaster Offers Romo a Bigger Microphone, Bigger

The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They've Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial Somewhere in a converted Brooklyn laundromat that now serves as a "mutual aid distribution node," a

Peace Talks Postponed: State Department Discovers Nuclear Diplomacy Has Bereavement Leave Too WASHINGTON — Somewhere inside Foggy Bottom this week, a calendar invite went out that read, roughly translated from Diplomatic into

Intelligent People Change Their Minds: Families Demand Refund Psychologists Confirm Intelligence Often Looks Suspiciously Like Confusion AUSTIN, Texas. America's highly intelligent citizens are under increasing scrutiny after researchers revealed that two of their

World Cup Tourists Discover America Has Been Hiding A Dangerous Secret: People Seem To Like It Here European Intellectuals Shocked To Learn Waffle House Is Not A CIA Front DALLAS, TEXAS --

Google's AI Overviews Accidentally Invents A New Branch Of Law: Computational Slander MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA -- Silicon Valley has spent the better part of two decades insisting that software engineers are

NPR Heroically Tracks Ebola Outbreak To Mysterious Source Known As "Donald Trump" WASHINGTON, D.C. — After months of intensive reporting, dozens of interviews, and several grant-funded brainstorming retreats involving artisanal coffee and

College Students Forced to Learn From Actual Books After Canvas Collapse — And Experts Fear They May Never Recover Universities across America entered a state of emotional triage Thursday after a

The Friendly Federal Assassin: How Cole Allen Branded Political Violence Like a HR Onboarding Packet Observations from the Scene He called himself a “friendly federal assassin,” which is the first time in

Pope Metaphor Calls for Violent Overthrow of Trump, Internet Decides Somewhere between incense smoke and Easter brunch, Pope Leo XIV delivers a line about "overturning the stone," and within minutes the global commentary

Tiger Woods Accidentally Tees Off on Vanessa Trump Relationship, Claims It Was "Just a Practice Swing" "She Will 100 Percent Walk," Says Man Who Has Historically Struggled With Staying in Bounds There

Trump Tells Europe to Go Get Its Own Oil and Europe Stares Blankly at the Pump It was the geopolitical moment no one on the continent saw coming, mostly because they

God Reportedly Requests Fewer Emails as Humanity Hits "Reply All" on Their Own Thoughts There was a time when prayer was considered a quiet, personal conversation. Today, according to newly leaked

Iran Won't Surrender Because "Have You Met Iran?" Francis Fukuyama Explains Iran Won't Surrender Because "History Hasn't Ended There Yet" WASHINGTON — Political philosopher Francis Fukuyama, a man who once famously suggested that

Ransom Riddles: When Bogus Bandits Bungle a Kidnap Plot In an emotional case that has literally captivated the nation, the disappearance of 84-year-old Nancy Guthrie — mother of broadcast journalist Savannah Guthrie —

The Curious Case of Fernando Mendoza and the Art of Self-Sabotage Indiana quarterback Fernando Mendoza, fresh off leading the Hoosiers to their first-ever College Football Playoff national championship and winning the Heisman Trophy, found

Prince Andrew Trades Royal Scandals for Texas Sunsets in America's Loneliest County In a move that surprised exactly no one who understands geography and desperation, Prince Andrew has reportedly relocated to Loving County, Texas,

New Leadership, Eternal Problems Mamdani Sworn in as NYC Mayor: America Reminds Itself That New Year's Resolutions Include Governance On January 1, 2026, New Yorkers rang in the new year with the

Trump's Renaming Campaign vs. Historical Rebrands: Caesar, Corporations, and Confused Cartographers The Ancient Precedent: When Caesar Did It First Julius Caesar didn't have Twitter, but he had ambition — he renamed months, built

Children Report Santa's Unhealthy Obsession with Surveillance CHICAGO — New research indicates that children are increasingly suspicious of Santa Claus, citing his "unhealthy fixation on monitoring behavior." Survey results show that 87

Australia Responds to Violence by Outlawing Public Anger, Remaining Quietly Furious Instead New South Wales Passes Sweeping Anti-Protest and Gun Control Laws Following a deadly attack in Bondi, Australia's New South Wales

Iran and U.S. Reaffirm Commitment to Diplomacy, Continue Communicating Exclusively Through Grim Facial Expressions UN Meeting Produces Familiar Pattern of Dialogue Without Progress Iran and the United States reaffirmed their commitment to

Why Senators Flee Washington Like It's a Burning Cruise Ship WASHINGTON—In a rare show of honesty, three former senators—Jeff Flake, Joe Manchin, and Tina Smith—spilled the truth about why they left

Paris Solves Terrorism by Cancelling Crowds Entirely City Officials Announce "Crowd-Free Culture" as the Safest Way to Experience Europe PARIS — In a bold new security strategy that officials insist is "temporary" in

Wolverine Fans Ask If Season Can Still Be Saved; Experts Recommend Therapy Instead ANN ARBOR, Mich. — As the fallout from the Sherrone Moore catastrophe continues to cascade through the state

OnlyFans Meets Only Fines: The Bali BangBus Debacle Here's a dose of humor you didn't ask for but got anyway, anchored in the delightful chaos that is Bonnie Blue's "OnlyFans Meets

Europe's Great Cultural Swap Meet: From Beethoven to Bhangra, Shakespeare to Swahili By Clara Olsen — Special to Bohiney.com Trump's UN Speech: "You're Destroying Your Countries" When Donald J. Trump stood before the

Philadelphia Fans Discover the F-Word and Use It on Taylor Swift—City in Shock, Chiefs Fans Outraged Swifties Declare This the Biggest Crisis Since Jake Gyllenhaal Forgot Her Birthday Philadelphia Discovers Profanity, Immediately

Politicians Shiver, Farmers Snicker "Ever Heard of Layering Up, Mr. President?" By Rusty Haybale, Senior Cold Front Correspondent The recent inauguration ceremony took a dramatic turn when Washington’s elite, swaddled in designer overcoats

Who’s Wrecking Our Food Supply? Cows, Chickens, and Prime Farmland Are Under Siege—Or Maybe Just Misunderstood The New Criminals on the Block: Cows and Chickens Move over bank robbers and hackers; the real