Paramount in Palm Beach: Trump’s Presidential Library Will Have a Golf Cart Simulator, But No Books
A Monument to Memory, with Convenient Amnesia
PALM BEACH, FL — After years of speculation, misdirection, and tweets written entirely in capital letters, the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library has finally been announced. Scheduled for construction somewhere between Mar-a-Lago and the 15th tee of Trump International Golf Club, the proposed facility will include a 72-hole virtual golf cart simulator, a holographic grievance booth, and a 4D reenactment of the 2020 election night (narrated by Kid Rock). But one thing it won’t include? Books.
“We thought about having books,” said Eric Trump, unofficial curator and Head of Lawn Ornament Acquisition. “But books have words, and some of them are mean. So we’re replacing them with talking screens and classified folders that open like fortune cookies.”
Sources confirm that when Melania Trump was shown the blueprints, she asked, “Is this a prison or a resort?” And Trump reportedly replied, “Yes.”
Designing a Temple to the Selfie Era
The architecture, submitted by a Palm Beach design firm known mostly for redoing Crate & Barrel outlets, evokes ancient Roman bathhouses mixed with a bankrupt casino. Columns will line the entrance, each topped with golden eagles wearing MAGA visors. The central atrium features a rotating bust of Trump made entirely of melted down red hats.
A proposed “Mirror of Truth” exhibit allows visitors to stand in front of a gold-framed mirror where Trump appears behind them and whispers, “You were right about everything.”
Tour guides will be hired based on loyalty oaths, with bonus pay if they can identify all fake news outlets by scent.
Exhibits Include:
- The Hall of Perfect Phone Calls: Featuring animatronic Ukrainian presidents and blinking call transcripts that repeat “EXONERATED.”
- Map Room: Only one map—the infamous Sharpie-enhanced Hurricane Dorian track. “This is where I invented weather correction,” Trump says in the audio guide.
- Social Media Theater: A 24-hour scroll of Trump’s tweets projected onto a bald eagle’s wingspan. Children under 12 are advised to wear blindfolds.
- “No Collusion” Lounge: A VIP whiskey bar with drinks named after former campaign staffers. “The Manafort Manhattan” reportedly comes with a side of indictment.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“It’s the only library where footnotes are written in crayon.” — Sarah Silverman
“He put a gift shop before the Constitution. Honestly, bold move.” — Jon Stewart
“The Dewey Decimal system has applied for witness protection.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You walk in, and it just smells like subpoena ink and hair spray.” — Amy Schumer
“I didn’t see a single book, but I did learn how to avoid taxes in three languages.” — Ron White
Library or Legal Fortress?
Visitors must enter through a security line shaped like a border wall prototype. All bags are searched for books by Obama. In the vestibule, Trump’s legal team offers hourly lectures titled, “Presidential Immunity: Real or Just a Vibe?”
Behind the main gallery lies the Ketchup Room, where replica White House walls are lined with stains made from actual tantrum-throws. A motion-activated soundtrack plays smashing porcelain each time someone says “Mueller.”
A “Document Dive” water feature allows kids to retrieve submerged classified materials from a replica Mar-a-Lago pool. Parents can opt for the VIP “Unredacted Zone,” where all FOIA requests cost $44.99 and come in a camouflage tote bag.
Digital Expansion: The Cloud of Unknowing
While most presidential libraries digitize their holdings, Trump’s team has taken it further: a Truth Social Cloud Room, filled with fog machines and echo chambers. Facts uploaded here instantly get transformed into feelings.
“We’re putting the Trump back in ‘infrastructure’,” said digital exhibit director Lara Trump. “It’s like the cloud, except dumber.”
Academic researchers hoping to access historical material must first prove they did not vote for Hillary Clinton, eat vegan cheese, or watch Rachel Maddow after 2017.
The Kiosk of Complaints
Instead of a traditional comment book, visitors can enter a booth titled “The Whine Cellar,” where they may record their grievances. These are immediately played over the loudspeakers in the cafeteria, where guests eat from the Covfefe Café, which serves only meatloaf, Big Macs, and water poured from gold pitchers shaped like Mike Pence’s profile.
“We are redefining what it means to be remembered,” said Ivanka, who is launching a complimentary perfume line called Executive Privilege from the gift shop.
Critics and Scholars Respond
“It’s like if Monticello and a Bass Pro Shop had a baby raised by Steve Bannon,” said one NYU historian who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of being turned into a wax statue.
The American Library Association declined to endorse the project but offered to send a box of unused dictionaries.
At a recent academic panel, a Yale archivist summarized it best: “This is not a library. This is the world’s most expensive denial letter.”