Traitorous John Brennan Complains About Losing Security Clearance, Demands Emotional Support Spy Network
Former CIA Director Now Forced to Read Public News Like a Common Citizen
By Sandy McSnark, Funnier Than Anyone at The Onion
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former CIA Director John Brennan is reportedly in distress after losing his security clearance, lamenting that he now has to rely on Fox News, CNN, and that “one guy at the coffee shop who always seems to know too much” for his intel.
“I used to have access to the most classified, sensitive intelligence in the world,” Brennan sighed to reporters. “Now, I have to Google things like some amateur. It’s humiliating.”
“Losing his security clearance was tough for John Brennan. He went from classified intel to TMZ like a guy who just got divorced and found out his ex took the HBO Max password.” – Jimmy Fallon
Spy vs. Wi-Fi: Brennan’s Struggle With Public Information
Brennan, who once had access to real-time global intelligence, now finds himself refreshing Twitter to get breaking news. Sources close to him report that he has already subscribed to sixteen conspiracy theory YouTube channels in a desperate attempt to get back that classified “feel.”
“You expect me to believe Wikipedia has all the answers? Do you know who edits that? Regular people! I used to have 24/7 access to the NSA’s eavesdropping network, and now my best source is some Reddit thread by ‘QAnon_Fan420’!” Brennan ranted.
The ex-CIA director has also been seen nervously pacing outside the Pentagon, whispering “Come on, just one little classified briefing for old times’ sake.”
“Without access to classified information, Brennan has had to rely on a less trustworthy source—CNN.” – Dave Chappelle
Hunter Biden’s Laptop: The Reopening of Old Wounds
Brennan’s lamentations about his lost clearance resurfaced after former President Donald Trump pointed out how Brennan and other intelligence officials misrepresented the infamous Hunter Biden laptop letter. The former CIA director, once a powerful figure in shaping public narratives, is now relegated to defending himself on MSNBC, which sources confirm is a major downgrade from “controlling actual government narratives.”
“Look, when we signed that letter, we weren’t lying, we were just… strategically omitting reality,” Brennan explained. “That’s a highly specialized intelligence technique, but civilians call it ‘BS.’”
However, when pressed about the laptop, Brennan quickly pivoted: “You know what’s a real security threat? Trump’s golf scores. Have you seen them? They defy physics!”
“Brennan was the CIA director. You think he’d have planned for this. What’s next? A GoFundMe for lost intelligence jobs?” – Bill Burr
Brennan’s 5-Stage Grief Process for Losing His Security Clearance
Psychologists have noted that Brennan’s reaction follows a textbook five-stage grieving process for deep-state officials experiencing a clearance revocation:
- Denial – “I still have sources! I have friends in high places! Right? …Right?”
- Anger – “Trump! This is all Trump’s fault! Also, Russia. Always Russia.”
- Bargaining – “Maybe I can get a job at the DMV just to have access to restricted files.”
- Depression – “I miss the classified smell of Langley. I’d kill for a good redacted briefing.”
- Acceptance – “Fine. I’ll just get my info from The New York Times like everyone else—wait, no, even they quote the CIA. I’m doomed.”
Brennan Forms Secret Club for Ex-Spies Who Miss Being Important
In response to his plight, Brennan has reportedly launched a support group for former intelligence officials struggling with “post-clearance disorder.” The group, known as “The Deep (State) End”, meets weekly at a secure undisclosed location (the basement of an Olive Garden).
Members include James Clapper, who is reportedly depressed after being forced to rely on Facebook fact-checkers, and Andrew McCabe, who still tries to “declassify” his Uber rides in order to feel important.
“We just miss the thrill,” Brennan confessed. “There’s nothing like blacking out entire documents and calling it ‘national security.’ Now, all I have is Wordle.”
CIA Offers Compromise: A Fake Clearance Just to Keep Brennan Calm
To prevent further outbursts, sources inside the CIA have suggested giving Brennan a fake clearance, similar to how parents tell kids their broken toy is still “working.”
“We’ll let him wear a badge, give him some heavily redacted papers, and maybe an old Blackberry from 2006 to play with,” said one senior intelligence official. “It’s important to help him transition back to civilian life with dignity.”
For now, however, Brennan remains bitter. “You never know how good you had it until it’s gone. Once, I could listen in on foreign leaders’ secret calls. Now, I can’t even get my wife’s Netflix password.”
10 Lines About John Brennan Losing His Security Clearance
- Brennan went from having access to the nation’s most classified intelligence to getting his news from Twitter like the rest of us. Talk about a downgrade.
- He used to black out documents for national security. Now, he blacks out at Olive Garden happy hour while ranting about his glory days.
- Without his security clearance, Brennan has resorted to joining QAnon forums just to feel like he knows something others don’t.
- “Deep State” used to mean a powerful intelligence apparatus. Now it just refers to Brennan scrolling conspiracy theories in his basement.
- He once dictated global narratives, and now he’s just a guy in the YouTube comments section yelling, “Wake up, sheeple!”
- Brennan’s latest intelligence report is whatever his Uber driver says on the way to the airport.
- He tried to apply for a government job, but the only “classified” information he could access was the menu at a secret McDonald’s test kitchen.
- Without his clearance, he now gets updates by reading the New York Post, which, ironically, is where he first learned the Hunter Biden laptop was real.
- The CIA should just let Brennan come in once a week, hand him some redacted papers, and pretend he’s still relevant—like a senior citizen bingo night for ex-spies.
- “I still have top connections,” Brennan insists, as he frantically refreshes his LinkedIn notifications.
Comedian One-Liner Jokes About Brennan Losing His Clearance
“You know the intelligence community is really upset when even the guy who used to run it is now ranting about ‘the system’ like a conspiracy theorist in a tinfoil hat.” – John Oliver
“They say knowledge is power, and without his clearance, Brennan now has the same power as a guy Googling ‘What is the CIA hiding from us?’” – Trevor Noah
John Brennan Image Gallery