New Study Finds 83% of Millennials Believe Astrology Is Covered by Health Insurance
By Clara Olsen | Bohiney.com
Millennials Chart Their Coverage
According to a new report from the Institute of Cosmic Misinterpretation, 83% of millennials now believe that their Blue Cross plan will cover mercury retrogrades, Saturn returns, and emergency Tarot readings. One participant insisted, “I was billed $600 for a horoscope when Venus went into Pisces, and I’m pretty sure that’s malpractice.”
Humorous Observation: Millennials don’t read the fine print in insurance policies—because they believe it’s written in the stars.
Star-Crossed Deductibles
Insurance companies have begun updating their customer support scripts to handle the influx of calls. A leaked script shows an agent advising:
“Sorry, your plan doesn’t cover Jupiter in the 7th House, but we can offer you a co-pay discount on Reiki if you’ve already met your lunar deductible.”
Humorous Observation: Millennials are convinced the ER will wheel in a crystal healer before a surgeon.
Comedian Hotline
“It’s not healthcare, it’s horoscopital care. You get a stethoscope and a star chart.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I asked my doctor if my rising sign was causing chest pains. He said no, but my rising cholesterol was.” — Ron White
“Millennials want an ambulance to show up with sage smudges. Forget the oxygen mask, they want essential oils.” — Sarah Silverman
“My insurance wouldn’t cover a colonoscopy, but it did approve a Ouija board session with my intestines.” — Larry David
Horoscope vs. Hospital
Dr. Linda Valerio, a board-certified astrologist (her words, not ours), argued: “Healthcare is about aligning energies. Surgery is so last century. The real cure is moon water.” Her statement drew applause from patients who can’t afford antibiotics but can afford crystals shaped like antibiotics.
Humorous Observation: Millennials now ask their pharmacist if antibiotics are “vegan and retrograde-free.”
Polls, Charts, and Celestial Premiums
A Bohiney.com poll of 1,000 millennials revealed shocking numbers:
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61% said they would “rather trust a Capricorn than a cardiologist.”
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44% admitted they skipped vaccines because Mercury was “in Gatorade.”
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17% tried to swipe their insurance card at a psychic fair.
Humorous Observation: The more they check their insurance coverage, the more they blame it on Neptune.
Cosmic Consequences
Economists warn that if this trend continues, insurance rates could skyrocket every time there’s a solar eclipse. Already, Aetna is piloting a “Zodiac Premium Plan” where Scorpios pay double because of their “risk profile.” Meanwhile, Libras are fully covered because they can’t make a decision anyway.
Humorous Observation: Millennials will bankrupt Medicare because Saturn won’t leave Aquarius.
Closing Punchline
When asked what would finally convince millennials that astrology isn’t covered by health insurance, one anonymous staffer at the Department of Health replied: “Honestly, probably nothing. Unless their horoscope tells them to.”
Disclaimer: This story is a collaborative satire between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a dairy-farming philosophy major. No actual insurance policies were consulted, but several Tarot decks were. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
IMAGE GALLERY
New Study Finds 83% of Millennials Believe Astrology Is Covered by Health Insurance
