People who talk to their pets in baby voices
Baby Talk, Dog Confusion, and Feline Resentment
“Who’s a Widdle Sweetums?” (Not Listening)
“Mommy wuvs you soooo much!” they squeal to a creature that just ate a sock and barfed on the rug. The pet, meanwhile, contemplates adoption by a quieter species.
Funny Evidence from the Coo-Coo Communicators
One woman recited bedtime stories to her parrot in a toddler tone. Another guy said “who’s daddy’s widdle muffin butt?” to a 140-pound rottweiler named Tank.
Quote from a Fluent Furbaby Talker
“She understands me,” said Clara Gagasnuggle. “Especially when I use my high-pitched unicorn voice and call her my squishums-woo-bear.”
Satirical Snapshot
These pets are used to baby babble, but also visibly dead inside. Some stare blankly. Others sigh audibly. A few plot murder by chew toy.
Conclusion: If Your Dog Blinks in Morse Code, You Might Be the Problem
Talk to your pets. Love them deeply. But maybe save the baby voice for actual babies–or at least warn guests so they can emotionally prepare.
For more babble-based breakdowns, yap along at bohiney.com
