More Than HALF of Dating App Users Plan to Abstain from Masturbating This Year

There Could Be a Shocking Risqué Repercussion

By Buster Nuttington, Senior Abstinence Correspondent

A New Age of Celibacy or Just Really Cold Showers?

In an astonishing turn of events, a recent survey reveals that over half of dating app users are pledging to abstain from self-love in 2025. That’s right—swipers, ghosters, and “let’s-just-see-where-this-goes” types are apparently ditching their late-night scrolling for something even more radical: self-control.

This emerging movement, dubbed “No-Handuary,” is part of a broader trend toward digital dating detoxification. The idea is that by swearing off personal pleasure, individuals will be forced to develop actual human connections—presumably while gritting their teeth and avoiding all eye contact with mannequins.

“I just feel like my soul has been drained by dating apps,” said Tyler M., a 29-year-old from Austin, Texas, whose Tinder bio simply reads: Here for vibes, not for relief. “I figured if I quit masturbating, maybe I’d finally meet someone the old-fashioned way—by cornering them at a Trader Joe’s sample station.”

“People say they’re giving up masturbation to improve their dating lives. That’s like giving up food to improve your restaurant experiences—buddy, you’re just making yourself worse company.” — John Mulaney

Willpower or a Disaster Waiting to Happen?

Experts are divided on the effects of this new trend, with some heralding it as a revolutionary shift toward meaningful relationships, while others warn of the inevitable consequences of a world filled with pent-up singles navigating brunch menus with trembling hands.

Dr. Sheila VanDoren, a behavioral psychologist, believes this is just another symptom of app-induced burnout.

“When people realize that modern dating is essentially just shopping for disappointment, they start looking for drastic solutions,” VanDoren explained. “We’ve seen people go on dating ‘fasts’ before, but cutting off their most primal outlet? This could have some serious consequences—like an unexpected surge in extremely aggressive pillow fluffing.”

“People always try to ‘purify’ their love lives, like ‘I’m done with casual hookups, I’m looking for something real.’ Nah, you’re just bored and out of snacks.” — Chelsea Handler

On the other hand, some researchers argue that abstinence from self-pleasure could lead to something even more shocking: face-to-face interaction.

“In theory, people might actually leave their apartments,” said relationship expert Dr. Matt Duggan. “But the risk is that we could see a significant rise in spontaneous, ill-advised proposals at coffee shops, farmers’ markets, and even the DMV. If you make eye contact with someone in line at Chipotle, they might just drop to one knee and confess their undying love.”

A Dangerous Society of ‘More Tense Than Usual’ Individuals

Sociologists are already issuing warnings that an entire society of repressed swipers could be catastrophic for basic human function.

“If you take away a population’s only remaining stress relief, you don’t get enlightenment—you get The Purge,” said economist Fiona Lutz. “We’re expecting an increase in road rage, workplace hostility, and an uptick in furious Yelp reviews over literally nothing.”

Others worry that without their usual methods of, ahem, relaxation, people will turn to alternative outlets—like aggressive knitting, hypercompetitive trivia nights, or worst of all, becoming CrossFit people.

“So now dating apps are filled with people who don’t believe in red flags and don’t relieve stress? Sounds like a great way to restart the Civil War.” — Seth Meyers

In some urban centers, police departments are already preparing for the fallout.

“We’re not saying it’s going to be a crime wave,” said LAPD spokesman Ted Ramirez, “but we are bracing for a significant rise in unnecessary public arguments and frustrated, sweaty staring. Our officers have been trained to handle standard disturbances, but we’re not equipped to deal with a 300% increase in passive-aggressive coffee orders.”

The Unexpected Rise of Random Engagements

With dating app users now supposedly refocusing their energy on actual dating, another terrifying trend is emerging: a sudden wave of engagements within weeks of first dates.

“We’ve already seen some cases where people, so overwhelmed by their own repressed urges, are proposing to the first person who responds to their text within an hour,” said wedding planner Linda Cartwright. “One woman walked into my office last week saying, ‘I don’t care who it is—just book the venue for May.’”

Others are falling prey to what some experts are calling Abstinence-Induced Romance Delusions (AIRD), a condition wherein individuals desperately believe they’ve found “The One” simply because they made eye contact for more than two seconds.

“My best friend hasn’t dated in months, and now she’s convinced the UPS guy is her soulmate because he said ‘have a good day’ with a certain energy,” said 26-year-old Sasha L. “She literally invited him to Thanksgiving.”

The Tinder Dry Spell: A Shocking Economic Impact

Beyond the personal chaos, economic analysts fear that an abstinence-fueled dating revolution could wreak havoc on industries that rely on lonely singles spending their money out of sheer frustration.

“We could see a historic collapse in ice cream sales, scented candle purchases, and sad wine consumption,” said financial analyst Greg Olsen. “We’re looking at major instability in the economy—Bath & Body Works can’t survive on just Christmas candle sales.”

Even the adult industry is experiencing a downturn, with one major website reporting a shocking 18% drop in traffic within the first week of the abstinence pledge going viral.

“We never thought we’d see the day when people voluntarily clicked away,” said a baffled industry spokesperson. “We’re pivoting to offer wholesome content like ‘Top 10 Ways to Meditate Instead of That Other Thing You Were About to Do.’”

How Long Will This Last?

Despite the widespread commitment to abstinence, history suggests that this could be a very temporary trend.

“Remember when everyone tried to do Whole30?” said pop culture historian Donna Baines. “Yeah, that lasted four days before people started sneaking cheese at midnight.”

Likewise, many skeptics believe this so-called “No-Handuary” will be over the moment a significant number of people realize there are no actual rewards for it.

“I held out for a week,” said an anonymous Reddit user. “Then I realized there’s no medal at the end, no secret unlockable character, no hot stranger knocking on my door saying ‘Wow, you did it, let’s date!’ So yeah, I folded.”

Final Thoughts: A Society on the Brink?

As dating app users embark on this bold, uncertain journey of self-restraint, the rest of society is left to wonder: can they really make it? And more importantly, should they?

One thing is certain—whether it lasts a day, a week, or all the way until Valentine’s Day (unlikely), this movement is bound to leave its mark.

And if it does? Well, we might just find ourselves living in a world of hyper-focused, ultra-productive individuals who—without the distraction of swiping or scrolling—finally figure out how to fix their credit scores.

Or, more likely, we’ll all be right back to business as usual by next Tuesday.