New Law Requires Politicians to Say "Please" and "Thank You"

Congress Passes Civility Enforcement Act: New Law Requires Politicians to Say “Please” and “Thank You”

By Freja Lindholm | Bohiney Magazine | October 13, 2025

Breaking: In unprecedented bipartisan move, lawmakers approve mandatory politeness legislation affecting all federal officials

Historic Civility Law Makes Manners Mandatory in Washington

In what political analysts are calling the most surprising legislative session of 2025, Congress has passed the Civility Enforcement Act, requiring all politicians, federal bureaucrats, and registered lobbyists to include “please” and “thank you” in every official statement, press release, and government communication.

The controversial yet oddly wholesome bill passed with overwhelming support, marking the first time in modern history that courtesy has been legally mandated in political discourse.

Speaker of the House Mildred Gracious announced to The Hill: “If we can’t be polite, we might as well be quiet. Maybe this will force us to stop lying for at least one day.”

What the Civility Enforcement Act Requires

The new politeness law mandates that:

All official government statements must open with “please” or a courteous greeting
Closing remarks must include “thank you” or equivalent gratitude expressions
Press briefings must maintain respectful language throughout
Violations result in public apologies and mandatory etiquette training
Applies to all federal officials, contractors, and registered lobbyists

Lobbyists Struggle With Mandatory Politeness Requirements

The lobbying industry, tracked by OpenSecrets, faces perhaps the steepest learning curve. Veteran influence-peddlers accustomed to aggressive tactics now must draft proposals beginning with “Please accept this thoughtful proposal” and concluding with “Thank you for your time, kind sirs and madams.”

One anonymous K Street lobbyist confessed to Politico: “I accidentally complimented my own bill while trying to be polite. It was completely disorienting.”

“Politeness is the new political scandal.” — Jerry Seinfeld

Social Media Erupts Over Mandatory Manners Law

The civility requirement immediately sparked debate on Twitter/X, with users questioning whether the politeness mandate extends to social media posts. Trending hashtags include #PleaseAndThankYou and #PoliteImpeachment.

Popular memes feature politicians bowing ceremoniously while passing legislation, with captions reading: “Please vote yes, thank you for your consideration, or else we’ll impeach you politely.”

“Even outrage is now politely structured.” — Jon Stewart

Public Opinion: Americans Support Civility Law Despite Confusion

A recent Pew Research Center poll reveals that 92% of Americans support mandatory politeness in principle. However, implementation questions remain:

Will politicians face penalties for sarcastic compliance?
Does the law apply to tweets and social media?
What constitutes “sufficient politeness” in heated debates?
Can passive-aggressive language circumvent the requirements?

The remaining 8% of respondents asked: “Do we have to clap after every speech too?”

“Finally, democracy rewards good manners instead of shouting.” — Sarah Silverman

Constitutional Scholars Question Enforceability of Politeness Legislation

Legal experts at Harvard Law School are divided on the constitutional implications. Professor Timothy Nice told The Atlantic: “Is this actually enforceable? Can we jail someone for forgetting to say thank you at a press conference? What about passive-aggressive compliance?”

The Brookings Institution has launched a comprehensive study on “Compelled Speech and Courtesy: First Amendment Implications of Mandatory Manners.”

“America finally legislates manners — the ultimate slippery slope.” — Ron White

Politicians Fumble Through Mandatory Courtesy Training

During a recent C-SPAN broadcast, Senator Tim Grumpus demonstrated the adjustment period: “Please… uh… thank you… no wait, that’s not the right order…” before aides reminded him of proper protocol.

Political analysts note this is the first time public stammering has been considered an act of patriotism rather than incompetence.

“It’s like teaching cats to salute.” — Larry David

International Relations Benefit From America’s New Politeness Policy

Foreign diplomats report initial confusion followed by surprising admiration. The French ambassador told Foreign Affairs: “We expected insults and threats. Instead, they politely threatened tariffs with a thank-you note attached.”

State Department officials confirm that even traditionally hostile nations have responded positively to the courtesy offensive.

“Even North Korea sent a thank-you note.” — Billy Crystal

Late-Night Comedy Gold: Comedians Embrace Civility Law

Entertainment coverage from Variety shows late-night hosts from NBC, CBS, and ABC having a field day with the legislation. The recurring punchline: “Yes, you may hate me, but please know I appreciate your hatred, and thank you.”

“Polite corruption: the future of satire.” — Groucho Marx

Citizens Master “Polite Rage” as New Form of Protest

Americans are developing a uniquely modern skill: expressing deep frustration while maintaining impeccable manners. Examples include:

“Please stop raising taxes, thank you for listening to my complaint, and please consider my financial suffering.”
“I kindly request you resign, and I thank you in advance for your cooperation.”
“Please acknowledge my outrage, thank you.”

Research from the University of California, Berkeley suggests this linguistic shift may reduce cortisol levels while dramatically increasing passive-aggressive email traffic nationwide.

“Anger has never been so courteous.” — Amy Schumer

What Comedians Are Saying About Mandatory Politeness

Jon Stewart: “The only thing worse than corruption is polite corruption.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “Finally, a law that makes politicians awkward — justice served.”

Sarah Silverman: “I’d pay good money to watch a filibuster conducted entirely with ‘please’ and ‘thank you.'”

Ron White: “Polite lobbying is a new form of psychological torture.”

Larry David: “Even my insults are now framed with gratitude. Pretty, pretty, pretty polite.”

Amy Schumer: “I’m deeply offended, but thank you for allowing me to express my offense.”

Will the Civility Enforcement Act Actually Change Politics?

The legislation has transformed Washington, D.C. into what observers are calling “the politest swamp in American history.” While it may not address systemic issues tracked by the Government Accountability Office, it guarantees that nobody leaves a press conference without feeling slightly embarrassed for being rude.

Critics argue the law treats symptoms rather than diseases. Supporters counter that even superficial civility might slow the erosion of democratic norms.

Time will tell whether mandatory manners lead to genuine cultural change or simply more creative forms of polite antagonism.

Frequently Asked Questions About the Civility Law

Q: Does the law apply to state politicians?
A: Currently, only federal officials are required to comply, though several states are considering similar legislation.

Q: What are the penalties for non-compliance?
A: Violations trigger mandatory etiquette training, public apologies, and potential ethics committee reviews.

Q: Can politicians use sarcasm while being polite?
A: The law requires courteous language but doesn’t regulate tone. Passive-aggressive compliance appears to be legal.

Q: Does this affect social media posts?
A: Official government social media accounts must comply. Personal accounts remain unclear pending regulatory guidance.

Q: Who monitors compliance?
A: A newly created Office of Civility Oversight reviews official communications and investigates complaints.