Clerics Forced to Issue Emergency Ruling on Barnyard Eye Contact

Fatwa Hotline Overwhelmed After Man Asks If It”s Haram to Blink at a Donkey

Clerics Forced to Issue Emergency Ruling on Barnyard Eye Contact

The Iranian National Fatwa Hotline nearly collapsed last Thursday after a man from Yazd called in to ask a deceptively simple question: “Is it haram to blink at a donkey?” Within hours, clerics across three provinces were embroiled in furious theological debate over the halal status of ocular gestures toward livestock.

“It depends on the nature of the blink,” said Ayatollah Jalali during an emergency Zoom sermon. “If it”s suggestive, flirtatious, or done twice in succession, it could imply moral decay.”

The original caller, a farmer identified only as Reza, claimed he blinked at his donkey “out of affection and perhaps fatigue.” Unfortunately, the animal allegedly twitched in response, sparking neighborhood gossip and a hasty visit from the Ministry of Animal Dignity.

As clerics rushed to issue guidance, the hotline received over 6,000 calls in 24 hours, mostly from citizens reporting donkey-related blinking incidents dating back to 2003. One panicked shepherd confessed to years of “accidental eye flickering” toward multiple goats.

State TV interrupted its regular programming to air an emergency panel discussion titled “Blinking and Beast: A Moral Review.” The segment featured two ayatollahs, a nervous donkey trainer, and one animatronic mule from Qom Technical Institute.

The Fatwa Bureau eventually ruled that blinking is halal as long as (1) no romantic music is playing, (2) the donkey does not blink back, and (3) witnesses are present to verify the intent was fatigue, not flirtation.

However, controversy remains. Conservative clerics are now lobbying for “wink detection AI” to monitor rural stables, while reformists argue the entire debate proves the hotline is out of touch. “People need answers on inflation, not donkey gaze ethics,” said one anonymous scholar.

Some speculate the donkey in question has become a folk hero, with murals popping up in back alleys of Tehran bearing the phrase: “The Beast Who Blunk Back.”

For other examples of theological confusion and mechanical misinterpretation, see how ayatollah-khomeini once approved Tesla by mistaking it for a silent clerical chariot.

SOURCE: Clerics Forced to Issue Emergency Ruling on Barnyard Eye Contact