Gender Reveal Pyrotechnics
“We Wanted Confetti. We Got Lava Lite.”
A suburban Phoenix couple’s gender reveal event went explosively viral after a backyard pyrotechnic display–meant to emit a puff of pastel-colored smoke–triggered a small geological anomaly now being studied by the U.S. Geological Survey. “It wasn’t supposed to go full Pompeii,” said expectant father Craig Delaney, brushing ash off his “DAD-TO-BE” visor.
Witnesses say the party began with a prayer, a drone flyover, and a countdown. But when the “Baby Blast Cannon” fired, the backyard fissured, a burst of pink magma emerged, and three lawn gnomes were vaporized.
“I thought it was performance art,” said neighbor Barb Klein. “Then I realized my begonias were on fire.”
Local authorities confirmed the explosion was caused by a mixture of colored thermite, glitter-grade magnesium, and something called “gender juice.”
Craig’s cousin Jeremy–who designed the device using instructions from a YouTube channel titled *Kaboom 4 Christ*–has fled to a nearby trampoline park. He was last seen carrying sparklers and a jug labeled “Plan B (Blue).”
While no injuries were reported, FEMA issued a cautionary brochure titled *Your Baby Shouldn’t Require Evacuation Protocols.*
The couple plans to name their daughter “Ember.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
