I read on Goop that crystals boost immunity.
Goop Logic: Healing Crystals and the War on Science
Quartz: Because Vaccines Are Just Too… Clinical
According to a certain shiny lifestyle brand, your immune system doesn’t need vitamins or sleep–it needs crystals. Preferably ones bathed in moonlight, charged by a Virgo, and priced like rent.
Funny Evidence from the Gemstone Grift
One woman claimed her rose quartz “repelled bacteria,” while her kid had strep and her kombucha started fermenting in defense.
Quote from a Mystic Illusionist
“I don’t trust Big Pharma,” said Glenda Chakra, “but I do trust this amethyst I bought from a lady who only eats color-coded food.”
Satirical Snapshot
Goop-logic replaces medicine with rocks, and common sense with Instagram flat-lays. It’s the only immune-boosting program that recommends whispering to minerals.
Conclusion: If Crystals Worked, Hospitals Would Look Like Spencer’s Gifts
Energy is real, but bacteria doesn’t care about your vibe. Maybe don’t trade your doctor for a geode wrapped in hemp.
For more metaphysical mayhem, align your irony at bohiney.com
