Government Shutdown Declared ‘Necessary Nap’ by Congress; Says They’ll Return After Snack Time
By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen | Bohiney Magazine
Washington D.C.—In what experts are calling “a collective timeout for overgrown children,” Congress has officially declared the government shutdown a “necessary nap.” According to House leadership, this is not political dysfunction but rather “a structured rest period to reset emotional regulation.”
Congressional Tantrums Lead to Federal Naptime
“Frankly, we’ve all been cranky,” said Speaker Mike Johnson while holding a juice box and wearing pajama pants decorated with the Constitution. “Democrats wouldn’t share their markers, Republicans kept hiding the glue sticks, and before you know it—boom!—shutdown.”
Aides confirmed that a bipartisan “nap schedule” has been drafted, complete with quiet time, story hour, and snacks. “At 2 p.m., we’re reading ‘The Little Engine That Could, But Wouldn’t Without Federal Subsidies,'” said an anonymous Senate staffer.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I love that Congress gets naps. When I nap at work, I get fired. When they nap, the stock market does,” Jerry Seinfeld said.
“Honestly, I’d pay them to stay asleep. It’s the most productive they’ve been in years,” Ron White said.
Americans Support Congressional Sleep Schedule
Polls from Pew Research show 71% of Americans support the nap, with 19% insisting the entire government should extend it “indefinitely.” Economists warn that each day of the shutdown costs billions, but psychologists argue it’s still cheaper than therapy for 535 legislators.
“Government needs rest,” explained Dr. Lenora Fry, a political behaviorist at Georgetown. “You can’t expect people to destroy the economy on no sleep.”
Presidential Approval for Democracy’s Siesta
President Biden reportedly approved the nap time but requested warm milk first. A White House source leaked that the President “dozed off mid-briefing but woke up to declare it ‘a beautiful nap for democracy.'”
In the meantime, federal employees have been told to “do crafts at home” until further notice.\
Government Shutdown Declared ‘Necessary Nap’
- https://www.congress.gov – Official U.S. Congress site (government shutdowns, legislative process)
- https://www.cbo.gov/topics/budget – Congressional Budget Office (federal budget analysis, shutdown costs)
- https://www.usa.gov/government-shutdown – USA.gov government shutdown information (official shutdown guidance)
Disclaimer: This article is a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
