Trump Resurrects Gandhi, and Leftist Socialists Call It Cultural Necromancy
By Saffron Sledgehammer, Spiritual Appropriation Editor at SpinTaxi.com
When Donald J. Trump announced he had resurrected Mahatma Gandhi during an “experimental golf ceremony” at Mar-a-Lago, America split into two factions faster than you can say “Ahimsa with a side of cheeseburgers.” On one side stood a peaceful, resurrected Gandhi blinking into the Florida sun. On the other stood 11,000 leftist intellectuals clutching their hand-pressed quinoa rosaries and shrieking that Trump had “resurrected peace without consent.”
The Séance Heard Round the Salon
Eyewitnesses claim Trump held a red-hat séance in the VIP cigar room using:
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A copy of The Art of the Deal
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Three sticks of expired incense from Ivanka’s discontinued yoga line
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And a Bluetooth speaker blaring “YMCA”
After 22 minutes of “chanting-business-affirmations,” a faint swirling of light appeared. Out of it emerged Gandhi, confused but surprisingly hydrated.
“This is the greatest resurrection since Lazarus,” Trump said. “Except this time, no sandals—crocs, folks, crocs.”
The Hatred Begins at the Composting Collective
Within hours, Twitter bios that read “🌹 they/them | BDS | Crystals for Communism” began melting down.
Juniper Clay-Sapien, a self-described “Queer Land Steward and Decolonial Hug Therapist,” wrote on Threads:
“Trump unilaterally resurrecting Gandhi is a violent act of tantric colonialism. Some of us were still emotionally processing his assassination and our breakups.”
In her Brooklyn soil-healing circle, members burned kombucha in protest.
The Socialist Vegan Butcher Shop Closes in Mourning
At “Lentils Before Capital”, a socialist vegan butcher co-op in Portland, baristas refused to steam oat milk all day.
“We can’t ethically pour foam while a fascist weaponizes enlightenment,” said shop manager Anemone Evergreen-Kropotkin. “Gandhi belongs to the oppressed. Not… Florida.”
They hung a banner:
“Mourning Gandhi 2.0: This Time It’s Personal. #ResurrectAndResist”
Emotional Cartography Is Canceled
Professor Rowan Flux-Tender, who teaches “Emotional Cartography for Post-Colonial Bodies” at Bard College, declared the resurrection an act of “spiritual gentrification.”
“Trump didn’t resurrect Gandhi. He extracted him like an emotional Uber.”
They demanded that Gandhi return to “the liminal plane until he completes DEI re-onboarding.”
Trauma Poets Release Emergency Chapbooks
Several slam poets from The People’s Syllable in Silver Lake responded by releasing a group chapbook titled:
“Your Gandhi Is Not My Gandhi: Poems for the Post-Reincarnated Mind.”
Excerpts include:
“You gave us salt / but then took our narrative / now my chakras are gerrymandered.”
“He rose again / but not on our terms / I prefer ghosts who unionize.”
TikTok Witch Coven Schedules Astral Union Vote
In Salem, a collective of socialist TikTok witches held an emergency astral town hall via scented fog machine.
Witch-in-Chief, Lunar Spork (they/her/hag), explained:
“We already had a séance calendar. You can’t just yank Gandhi out of the afterlife line like he’s a TSA boarding pass.”
They cast a spell of retaliatory enlightenment — allegedly causing Trump to tweet only in haiku for 24 hours:
“Gandhi rose, fake news / Peace with no equity hurts / Where is my statue?”
Gandhi Asked to Apologize for Being Resurrected
Back in New York, at a rooftop brunch symposium titled “Decolonize Your Reincarnation,” Gandhi was invited by socialist art historians to explain why he allowed Trump to resurrect him in the first place.
Gandhi’s statement:
“I was chilling in the fourth astral quadrant. Next thing I know, I’m in West Palm with 4G. I didn’t ask for this.”
This was immediately labeled a “deflection” and “gaslight resurrection privilege.”
Open Mic Night Features 47-Minute Interpretive Dance of Outrage
In Austin, a local café held an open mic night where a non-binary celloist performed a 47-minute interpretive protest titled:
“I Am Not Your Reincarnated Brown Saint.”
Half the performance involved staring at an onion, weeping, and whispering “MAGA ruins chakras” into a jar of tahini.
Socialist Dating Apps Crash from Debate Over “Consentual Resurrection”
The Marxist dating app “Leftr” experienced a crash due to a surge of user debates over whether resurrection requires “spiritual informed consent.”
One profile read:
Name: Sage (xe/xer)
Bio: Polyam lunar therapist. Anti-resurrection unless community-approved. Swipe left if you’ve ever reincarnated a deity without a union rep.
Communist Knitting Circles Renounce Reincarnation Wool
In Minneapolis, the Revolutionary Stitch Cooperative refused to knit their annual “Shawl of Solidarity.”
Reason?
“Wool symbolizes warmth. Resurrecting Gandhi in a capitalist climate symbolizes heat violence.”
They’ll instead crochet “complicity cozies” for fellow activists who accidentally wore L.L. Bean.
Bernie Bros Issue Confused Statement
After much deliberation, a 97-page PDF was released titled:
“Gandhi in the Age of Neoliberal Resurrection: A Democratic Socialist Framework for Post-Corporeal Solidarity.”
Paragraph 17 states:
“Even though Trump did bring back Gandhi… the real question is, did he redistribute the enlightenment?”
Theoretical Feedback Loops Erupt
Dr. Tulsi Haverford of the International Institute for Intersectional Resurrection Theories explained:
“By reviving Gandhi, Trump has created a recursive trauma loop whereby every saint, in returning, colonizes their own memory. It’s like gentrifying your own ghost.”
Demand for Reparations in Karma Points
A group calling itself the Committee for Trans-Historical Reparations and Pancake Equity issued a demand that Gandhi donate his karma points to “queer vegan baristas who’ve never colonized anything but an abandoned Pier 1.”
Trump replied: “My karma is huge. The best karma. And Gandhi told me he likes hamburgers now.”
Gandhi’s Cancelation Tour Begins
By week’s end, Gandhi was disinvited from:
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A quinoa festival in Humboldt
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A panel at Burning Man titled “Nonviolence and the Absurdity of Property”
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A queer mime protest in Boston against invisible walls
Trump Holds “Reunite the Enlightened” Rally
Refusing to be shamed, Trump announced he’s now working on reviving:
He closed his rally with:
“They say I can’t bring back saints. But I’ve got better resurrection numbers than Biden, Obama, and FDR combined. And maybe Gandhi likes walls now. We’ll build one around nirvana.”
Final Scene: Gandhi Buys Flip-Flops and a Silence Clause
Gandhi was last seen boarding a Greyhound bus in Georgia, muttering something about “boundaries” and “cruel rebirth loops.” He carried a sign that said:
“Nonviolence includes avoiding reincarnation without consent.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.