LA Times Rebrands War Reporting as “Urban Paintball Assignments”

In an effort to both boost morale and reduce liability, the LA Times has officially rebranded all local protest coverage as “Urban Paintball Assignments.” The new internal style guide replaces “conflict zone” with “competitive chaos,” and reporters are now referred to as “Combat Curators.”

“The term ‘war reporting’ was too triggering for HR,” said Times managing editor Clint Blevins. “But paintball? That’s just athletic journalism.”

Reporters will now be issued color-coded helmets and asked to declare “non-aggression status” by wearing glow sticks. Any injuries incurred during coverage will be considered sports-related, thereby avoiding workplace compensation laws.

Coverage of Skid Row tent raids will be labeled “Capture the Flag,” and investigative pieces on LAPD’s crowd control will be under the “Extreme Tag” vertical.

The first journalist assigned under the new program, Linda Cho, was concussed by a baton within 17 minutes. She was handed a Gatorade and an MVP sash.

Press advocates are livid.
“This isn’t satire,” said SPJ rep Curtis Blanco. “It’s just liability laundering.”

Still, newsroom morale is reportedly up.
“Once I started thinking of it like dodgeball,” one editor said, “getting hit became… expected.”

Next month’s assignment? “Democracy Capture.” Bring your goggles and a lawyer.