Iran Claims Missile Strike on Israel’s Ben Gurion Airport—World Struggles to Find Evidence, or Give a Damn
A Grand Victory Over Absolutely Nothing
In what Tehran heralded as a “devastating blow to Zionist infrastructure,” Iran claimed it successfully launched missiles at Israel’s Ben Gurion International Airport and a “biological research center.” The announcement had all the confidence of a college freshman bluffing their way through a final presentation on a book they never read. Iranian state media proudly boasted that the “operation was successful,” which, translated into Pentagon English, means: “Nobody noticed.”
Within minutes of the so-called attack, Israel’s Home Front Command confirmed that Ben Gurion Airport was still functional, flights remained on schedule, and the only real damage was a slightly confused cat near the baggage claim. The IDF released an official statement: “Nope.” Reporters stationed at the airport managed to capture riveting footage of one bird startled by a nearby vending machine and a rabbi looking mildly annoyed at his bagel order.
Iran’s New Military Doctrine: Aim for Symbolism, Hit Convenience Stores
The Only ‘Biological’ Threat Was the Tuna Melt in Terminal C
The crown jewel of the Iranian strike was, allegedly, a “biological research center” located somewhere in Israel. The Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps claimed this was where “Zionist germ warfare” was engineered—a shadowy lab filled with vials, centrifuges, and diabolical science. The target in question, however, turned out to be a breakroom microwave.
Israeli janitors confirmed that the only biological hazard present was a suspicious container of egg salad marked “Do Not Eat—Shimon’s Lunch.” It was later neutralized with Febreze. “We appreciate the help,” said airport sanitation chief Asher Levi. “But next time, just send us a mop.”
Missile Hits “Symbolic” Victory—Fails to Hit Air, Ground, or Concept of Accuracy
Israeli Defense: “We Think They Were Trying to Hit Our Feelings”
Military analysts struggled to find evidence of a single impact. Iron Dome batteries, while activated, logged no incoming threats. A Tel Aviv meteorologist noted that the only projectile in the area that day was a stiff breeze from the northeast. At most, a senior official said, a pigeon may have “emotionally flinched.”
The Iranian defense minister nevertheless declared it a “precise strike,” insisting the goal was not destruction, but “disruption.” “We disrupted their psychological confidence,” he said, before coughing nervously into a silk handkerchief embroidered with an American flag and the words “Made in China.”
Iranian News Releases Glorious Video—In Glorious 240p
CGI Footage Possibly Taken From Nintendo 64 Cutscene
To prove their claim, Iran’s Fars News Agency released a video showing a glorious, high-definition explosion ripping through what appeared to be… a strip mall. Internet sleuths quickly determined the video was sourced from a 2003 trailer for a discontinued first-person shooter called “Crisis in Zionistan.”
The footage was overlaid with heroic orchestral music, the words “Death to the Enemy,” and what looked suspiciously like a Chuck E. Cheese sign. The missile, oddly, traveled in a perfect circle before vanishing. Iranian officials later blamed the anomaly on “Western software infiltration.”
America Reacts With Silence, Shrugs, and Then Chuckles
Pentagon Thanks Iran for “Waste of Ballistics and Our Time”
When asked about the strike, U.S. Secretary of Defense Harold Gunston paused, looked up from his sudoku, and replied, “What strike?” The official response from NORAD was: “No activity of note.” Off the record, a general joked that Iran’s missile strike had a smaller carbon footprint than his niece’s 8th-grade volcano project.
Fox News ran a segment titled “Iran Fires Missiles, Hits Nothing But Hopes and Dreams.” Meanwhile, CNN hosted a panel of seven retired generals who agreed unanimously that the incident was “less impactful than a canceled Uber.” In the end, the only American casualty was a bottle of scotch consumed during the press briefing.
Iran’s Missile Strategy Revealed: Spin the Globe, Point Blindly, Fire
Missile Launch Possibly Guided by Horoscopes and a Goat
According to leaked Revolutionary Guard documents, Iran’s targeting algorithm is based on a highly classified fusion of Google Earth, astrology, and an Etch-a-Sketch. Before launching the missiles, Iranian technicians reportedly consulted a local goat named Majid, who nodded solemnly at a red circle drawn over “Airplane Things.”
“The goat was clear,” one commander said. “He said it was time.” Sadly, the coordinates Majid picked out were later found to correspond to a public restroom in Haifa, where nothing happened except the scheduled cleaning by a man named Benny who described the day as “quiet, if gassy.”
Israel’s Real Response: Wi-Fi Upgraded in Terminal B
Strike Prompted Security to Replace One Broken Router
While Iran boasted of bringing Tel Aviv to its knees, Israeli infrastructure responded by completing a long-delayed router replacement in Terminal B. “We’d been meaning to do it anyway,” said IT manager Noam Blass, “but I guess we can thank the Iranians for the motivational email.”
Meanwhile, the IDF held a press conference in which officials pointed to a blank screen labeled “Damage Map.” The screen remained blank. “We’re not hiding anything,” said Brigadier General Avner Stein. “This is exactly how much was hit.”
Barista Awarded for Heroism After Foam Spill During Missile Scare
Israel’s Only Reported Casualty: One Medium Latte
Rachel Menachem, a barista in Terminal C, was awarded the “Espresso Valor Ribbon” after holding her composure during the alleged missile scare. “I heard a siren, and my milk foam shifted slightly,” she recalled. “I could’ve panicked. I could’ve fled. But instead, I perfected the leaf pattern on that cappuccino.”
Passengers described her work as “stunning,” “resilient,” and “probably the highlight of the day.” The latte was later consumed by a Hungarian tourist, who described it as “intensely patriotic.”
Ayatollah Declares Operation “100% Successful” from Deep Within His Metaphors
No Hits? No Problem—Only Feelings Need Wounding
Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei, praised the operation as “a metaphysical triumph,” calling it a “strike upon the soul of the Zionist regime.” He went on to accuse Israel of having “invisible wounds,” “spiritual panic,” and “existential disruption,” despite all observable evidence showing Israelis continuing to eat falafel in peace.
The statement concluded with, “God is with us, even when our missiles aren’t.” Iranian theologians nodded solemnly, while Iranian citizens asked if maybe the money for those missiles could’ve been spent on electricity.
Regional Allies Pretend Not to Know Iran That Day
Hezbollah Changes Twitter Bio to “Mostly Lebanese”
Hezbollah, normally eager to praise Iranian theatrics, responded with a thumbs-up emoji and later deleted it. Syria offered congratulations but accidentally addressed the message to Sri Lanka. Meanwhile, the Houthis of Yemen released a statement blaming the whole thing on a “communications error.”
Even Russia—a known connoisseur of performative airstrikes—issued a muted statement: “Respectfully, you hit nothing.” China simply asked for their missile parts back.
Iranian Media Declares Ben Gurion Airport “Unusable”—Airport Immediately Installs New Coffee Machine
Airport Café Opens New Location, Adds Falafel Quesadilla
Iranian state TV followed up their strike announcement with a claim that Ben Gurion was “crippled indefinitely.” In reality, Terminal A opened two new check-in kiosks and added gluten-free pita options. The duty-free shop announced a flash sale on Dead Sea skincare products.
An airline official quipped, “If this is what defeat looks like, I hope they attack again tomorrow—we’ve never been this efficient.” Travelers were advised to expect minimal delays unless Iranian propaganda disrupted the baggage carousel again.
Polling Data Reveals Public Reaction: Confused, Then Hungry
Most Israelis Asked About Strike Responded: “Which One?”
A snap poll conducted in Tel Aviv revealed that 76% of citizens thought the sirens were a test. 13% assumed it was a glitch. 8% thought it was the ice cream truck. Only 3% associated it with an actual threat. Ironically, missile anxiety was higher in Brooklyn.
On social media, Israelis posted selfies captioned “Under Attack, Still Slaying.” The #IranMissedMe hashtag trended for two days, accompanied by memes of missiles photoshopped into spa resorts, mall fountains, and that one parking lot no one can ever exit correctly.
Iran’s Budget Audit Discovers Missile Funds Rerouted to Propaganda Graphics
New CGI Department Led by Former Telenovela Editor
Sources close to the Revolutionary Guard revealed that missile accuracy remains low because 45% of the budget is spent on digital effects, narration, and smoke machines. The remaining 55% is rumored to be hidden in a Dubai condo owned by a man named “Reza 3000.”
Satellite footage of the launch site showed three trucks and a green screen. One missile was still on the ground, pointed toward a camel. The camel was later promoted to “Deputy of Forward Threat Coordination.”
American Airlines Offers Satirical “Iran Protection Fee”
Passengers Encouraged to “Giggle Through Turbulence”
In response to Iran’s invisible threat, U.S. airlines added a satirical $1 fee to each ticket, labeled “Psychological Airspace Defense Fund.” Customers were informed that the fee covered any emotional damage from “mildly annoying, pretend Middle Eastern aggression.”
Flight attendants demonstrated duck-and-cover drills while wearing party hats. On JetBlue, a captain announced, “If Iran manages to hit this plane, I’ll personally eat my clipboard.” The passengers applauded.
Strategic Implications: None
Military Experts Agree: “This Was a Sad Birthday Clown of a Strike”
Across think tanks and military briefings, the consensus was universal: Iran fired off a grand announcement, struck nothing, and hit peak embarrassment. “It was like a birthday clown trying to juggle knives but forgetting to bring the knives,” said Col. Jeff Branson of the RAND Corporation. “At this point, I think they’re just doing it for the likes.”
The Atlantic Council posted a single emoji in response: 💤. The Wall Street Journal’s defense columnist filed a blank page, then went on vacation.
Final Thoughts: If Iran Keeps This Up, Israel Will Be Forced to Laugh Itself to Death
More Dangerous Than Missiles: Induced National Giggles
The only real danger posed by Iran’s phantom strike was the possibility that Israelis might pull a muscle from laughing too hard. Emergency rooms reported a small uptick in “ironic eye strain” from people reading Tehran’s official statements. Tel Aviv comedy clubs added extra sets.
“This was less of an attack and more of a polite reminder that Iran still exists,” said one IDF reservist. “We had forgotten.”
DISCLAIMER
This satirical article is a fully human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Any resemblance to logic, accuracy, or Iranian missile competence is purely coincidental. No actual infrastructure, civilians, or falafel stands were harmed in the making of this story.
What The Funny People Have to Say about Iran
“Iran claimed they hit an airport and a biolab. The only thing they hit was the ‘Send’ button on Microsoft Word.”
— Ron White
“So Iran fires missiles at Israel, and the airport’s still selling duty-free Toblerones. That’s not an attack, that’s a breeze.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“Iran’s missiles missed so badly, even Stevie Wonder called to say, ‘Damn, that’s wild.’”
— Dave Chappelle
“They said they hit a ‘biological lab.’ Turns out it was just a fridge with expired yogurt. Iran declared war on probiotics.”
— Sarah Silverman
“This is the first airstrike in history that caused more foam in a latte than in a war zone.”
— Bill Burr
“Iran said it was a psychological operation. Yeah, I was psychologically bored.”
— Amy Schumer
“The only ‘impact crater’ was a pothole in the parking lot that was already there.”
— Kevin Hart
“The missile footage looked like it was animated by a guy who flunked out of Pixar and started freelancing for the Taliban.”
— Larry David
“Israel didn’t even duck. They just installed a new Wi-Fi router and called it a day.”
— Ali Wong
“Iran tried to intimidate Israel and ended up intimidating a pigeon.”
— Ricky Gervais
“That strike was so harmless, even the TSA let it through with a full bottle of shampoo.”
— Trevor Noah
“Iran’s military strategy is like my grandma’s bingo strategy—shake, guess, and pray.”
— Jackie Mason
“They celebrated a victory over nothing. That’s like me eating a salad and giving myself a medal for not dying.”
— Roseanne Barr
“If Iran had fired a warning shot, it would’ve missed the concept of direction.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“This wasn’t an airstrike. This was a failed Uber Eats delivery with fireworks.”
— Ron White
15 Observations
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Iran’s aim was as accurate as a blindfolded toddler’s dart throw—they “targeted” Ben Gurion, but it’s unclear if they even found the parking lot timesofisrael.com.
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Their intel sounded like a high-school rumor played through a tin-can telephone, complete with echoes and distortions.
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Calling a tomato a “biological virus facility” is progress—next they’ll label a petri dish as a “Top Secret Death Ray” lab.
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Iran’s military intel must involve Ouija boards, because apparently they have insider ghost contacts.
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This “strike” is so embarrassing it might make them want to change their name to “Oops-teran.”
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They threatened “layers of command and control centers” like they were stacking pancakes, but ended up serving air only.
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The Iranian boast reads like a rejected sci-fi novel: “When Evil Missiles Attack… Nothing Happens.”
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Their announcement was proudly posted on Fars News—where “biological” could just be “someone forgot their sandwich.”
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If Iran were a bank, they’d be the worst teller in history—promising big withdrawals but giving deposit slips.
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They claim they “targeted” Ben Gurion—but it feels more like they scrolled a map on Google Earth and pointed randomly.
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Maybe they hit something… but rumor has it they attacked the airport coffee shop instead—biohazard: stale latte.
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Iran’s missile news has fewer verified hits than a Hollywood sequel—full of sequels, zero hits.
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Only Iran could redefine “biological research center” so liberally—like calling your fridge a “culinary innovation lab.”
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Remarkably, Iran threatens pro-America bases next—like a kid who missed class threatens to go to the principal’s office.
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Their entire press release resembles a Hollywood trailer with no movie: “Coming Soon: Nothing!”
Laughing at Iran’s “Precision Strike” … or Lack Thereof 🇺🇸
1. Blindfolded Toddler Missile Technology
Iran proudly announced it hit “Ben Gurion Airport” and a “biological research center” timesofisrael.com—but let’s be honest: their aim is so questionable it rivals a toddler’s dartboard skills. Eye-witnesses (and coffee-shop chats in Dallas) confirm the only explosion heard was from someone banging a frying pan while making shakshuka. Expert missile analyst Professor Earl Shotsthis describes it as “enthusiastic in effort, but scientifically hilarious.”
2. High‑School Rumor Intel
This was intelligence gathering at the whispering-through-lockers level—distorted, amplified, and nobody’s sure who started it. A former IRGC officer, who spoke under condition of half‑anonymity, said: “We heard something might have happened… somewhere.” Social‑science research confirms that unverified rumors spread faster than actual missiles, and cause just as much imaginary damage.
3. Tomato = Death Ray Facility
There’s a universal Iranian tactic: call it “biological,” no matter what. A tomato sandwich in an airport lounge? Classified. A petri dish full of harmless E. coli? Next-gen bioweapon lab. Deductive reasoning shows—they’re either redefining biology or they want more funding. Cause and effect: label everything “biological,” get bigger budget.
4. Ouija‑Board Military Command
It’s rumored Iran’s missile targeting system is a Ouija board—“Yes, Ben‑Gurion? Pull… no, push… oh the flight’s tomorrow.” A former UN official jokingly quipped: “They might as well furiously salute a map and expect bacon pancakes to fall out.” Anecdotal evidence: Iran once targeted a llama farm by mistake. The llama farms now expect apologies.
5. Oops‑teran Campaign
If you keep bragging about hits that never happened, you become an “Oops‑teran.” Iran basically applied for that job description. Their bravado creates a public‑opinion effect: Americans don’t feel threatened—they feel amused. A recent poll in Texas shows 95% of respondents thought the entire claim was a ham-fisted stunt. The cause–effect pattern: you brag about phantom hits → Americans laugh → your credibility rating drops to factory reset.
6. Pancake‑Layer Command Centers
They boast “layers of command and control centers”—but in reality it felt like they wiped a crumb off the pancake. An Israeli defense insider said: “We checked—only pancake grease remains.” Analogously, it’s like saying you’ve dismantled an imperial fleet by stepping on a plastic toy. Maybe they stacked pancake talk high—but the result was toast.
7. Sci‑Fi Novel: “Nothing Happens”
China Miéville could write a sci‑fi comedy about Iran’s statement—or maybe H.G. Wells’s ghost. Their press release reads like: “In a thrilling cinematic universe, Iran unleashed missiles upon… no confirmed targets!” The absurdity is cinematic: they launch missiles into oblivion, and claim victory. Parody level: Spielberg might buy the script.
8. Fars News Sandwich Warnings
It was proudly posted on Fars News: “biological research center” and “logistics bases” timesofisrael.com. But news readers speculated it was someone’s sandwich tray. Trace evidence: photos of facility show clean offices, coffee mugs, and one lone lab mouse. Definition: a “biological research center” – per Oxford dictionary – is a bona fide lab with scientific experiments. Fars used dictionary’s most workable entry: “anything with lights.”
9. Google‑Earth Pointing Strategy
Police say Iran’s targeting looked like someone randomly flicking a finger on Google‑Earth. They ended up targeting… somewhere. Public opinion: 98% of Americans feel safer knowing Iran’s strike precision is equivalent to a monkey throwing peanuts. Contrast that with US precision‑guided missiles that land within inches. Role reversal: US protects its airport; Iran protects… its thumb.
10. Coffee‑Shop Collateral Damage
Word on the street: they hit the airport coffee shop. Biological hazards: stale latte and burnt croissants. Eye-witness café worker: “Heard a boom, spilled cappuccino, then saw Iranian missile’s shadow. Best tip I ever got.” Sarcasm aside, the joke became viral—what biological threat? Spoiled coffee. Cause–effect: Iran hopes to sow terror—they end with caffeine shortage.
Combined Comedy, Satire, and Supportive Tone
Let’s pull this all together with social commentary, empathy, positivity, and actionable advice for readers:
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Observation: Iran’s bragging doesn’t align with verified impact.
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Evidence: No radiation spikes, no destroyed infrastructure, videos flagged as AI fakes .
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Analogy: Like claiming you bench‑pressed a car because you looked strong holding a bicycle.
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Observation: Public laughs at Iran’s empty threats.
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Statistics: A Dallas‑area poll of coffee‑shop patrons revealed 80% thought the strike was a publicity stunt.
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Deduction: Showboating without results is less fear‑inducing and more meme‑generating.
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Observation: Iran’s information warfare is unraveling.
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Expert opinion: Professor Ian Misinformed says, “It’s post‑truth meets punchline.”
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Social science: When misinformation is comedic, it backfires—it becomes fodder for satire.
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Observation: Israel and US responded firmly.
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Cause–effect: Iran’s hollow missile launches → strengthened Israeli–US security ties → boosted investor confidence firstpost.com & thetimes.co.uk.
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Practical Advice (Satirical/Helpful Hybrid)
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If you’re Iran: Maybe stop claiming biological labs and aim for accuracy—get GPS instead of ghost cards.
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If you’re Israel & US: Keep your humor game tight—deploy memes alongside missiles!
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If you’re a global citizen: Don’t fall for every missile tweet—fact‑check, laugh, repeat.
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If you’re in aviation: Invest in sturdier coffee cups—emergency tip protection!
🎙️ Disclaimer
This satire is entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to AI is purely accidental—and we never blame it for our wit.
Auf Wiedersehen!