Overgrown Facial Hair
“There’s a Finch Nest in There. I Just Let Her Pay Rent in Worm Songs.”
When local artisanal blacksmith Darren McTavish grew out his beard during the pandemic, he didn’t expect it to evolve into a fully functioning ecosystem. After three years, seven species sightings, and a moss bloom incident, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has officially declared Darren’s beard a “Micro Urban Biodiversity Sanctuary.”
“I felt something moving,” Darren admitted. “But I thought it was just my inner Viking awakening. Turns out, it was a family of chipmunks.”
Experts have identified two varieties of lichen, a moth previously thought extinct, and at least one very confident squirrel named Reginald. The beard was found to contain enough soil content to qualify as “semi-arable,” and now receives federal funding under the Ecological Facial Zones Initiative.
Park rangers installed a tiny interpretive sign near Darren’s chin: “Please do not feed the beard residents.” Visitors may apply for guided “Whisker Walks” on weekends.
Darren’s dating life is complicated. “Most women aren’t into sharing space with amphibians,” he said. “But I met a frog biologist on Bumble. We’re vibing.”
He now moisturizes with mushroom extract and hosts a YouTube channel called *Beard and Beyond*, where he reviews eco-safe beard combs and interviews his beard’s inhabitants. Episode 3 features a vole named Dennis who enjoys beard oil and jazz.
Regulations now prevent Darren from trimming more than half an inch without filing an environmental impact statement.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
