Fantasy Football Obsession
“He Wanted to Call Her Mahomesia. We Had to Step In.”
Derrick Fenwick, a devoted fantasy football player with seven leagues and three burner spreadsheets, shocked his family when he submitted the name “Mahomesia Grace Fenwick” on his daughter’s birth certificate. His wife had gone to the bathroom. His cousin tackled the clerk.
“She’s projected to average 15 smiles per game,” Derrick explained, holding a laminated depth chart of potential nicknames.
A family intervention was called. Participants presented graphs on child development, football brainworm theory, and how “Quarterbacking Your Kid’s Identity” is a form of passive-aggressive fandom.
Derrick now attends weekly therapy with a sports-certified counselor licensed in both emotional trauma and wide receiver rankings.
The baby’s official name was changed to Grace Marie. Derrick refers to it as “a late-season pivot.”
He has since launched a fantasy league for baby milestones. Current top scorer? A toddler named Blitz, who crawled 18 yards during tummy time.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
