Doctor in Minnesota Proposes Extra Mental Exams for Trans Citizens Before Gun Ownership
Minneapolis, MN — In the aftermath of the tragic Annunciation Catholic School shooting, Minnesota’s Chief Medical Official, Dr. Harmon Greaves, has unveiled a new proposal: transgender residents must undergo extra rounds of mental examination before being allowed to purchase firearms.
“We already make people take a vision test to drive,” Greaves explained, “so it only makes sense to give certain people a brain test before they buy a Glock. And by ‘certain people,’ I mean… well, you can probably guess who I mean.”
According to Greaves’ plan, every transgender applicant would need to pass:
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A 200-question multiple choice test written by the Minnesota Board of Medicine and one guy in the Governor’s fishing club.
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A Rorschach inkblot quiz where every response that looks like a butterfly counts as “unstable.”
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A “common sense” evaluation, which asks whether pineapple belongs on pizza and whether Lake Wobegon jokes are funny.
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An escape room challenge—fail to find the key in under 20 minutes and you’re deemed too “impulsive” for a firearm.
Greaves called this process “progressive, compassionate, and deeply constitutional.”
The Bureaucratic Logic
Greaves laid out his syllogism like a man who just learned about logic from a cereal box:
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Some shooters are mentally unstable.
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Trans people sometimes talk about mental health.
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Therefore, all trans people need extra exams.
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Therefore, I should get reelected.
When asked why the shooter wasn’t transgender, Greaves replied, “That’s not the point. You don’t wait for a vegan to commit arson before banning kale.”
Public Opinion
Reactions across Minnesota were mixed:
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A local parent said, “I’m pretty sure this is just scapegoating. But hey, if they throw in free therapy sessions, I might sign up too.”
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A bartender in Duluth asked, “Wait, so are we checking if they’re mentally stable enough to own a gun, or mentally stable enough to survive talking to this doctor?”
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Meanwhile, a local priest sighed, “Forgive them, Lord, for they know not how to legislate.”
Anonymous Staffer Leak
An aide leaked additional “tests” Greaves wanted on the list but was advised against:
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A 24-hour Monopoly game to measure patience.
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A karaoke round, where choosing “Bohemian Rhapsody” counts as a breakdown.
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A mirror test, where anyone who adjusts their own hair is marked “narcissistic.”
The staffer confessed: “Honestly, we just needed a distraction from the fact that nothing in this plan would’ve stopped the shooting. Mission accomplished, I guess.”
National Media Spin
Cable news swooped in.
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Fox News praised the doctor’s plan as “bold preventative medicine.”
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MSNBC denounced it as “a bureaucratic obstacle course with a side of discrimination.”
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The New York Times ran a think-piece: “When Mental Health Becomes a Political Hobby.”
Late-night comedians went for the jugular:
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“So now you need more tests to buy a gun than to run for President? Makes sense — the last President barely passed kindergarten.” — Trevor Noah
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“I love the idea: let’s make traumatized groups do escape rooms to prove they’re sane. That’s not gun control, that’s an amusement park.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Closing Punchline
As the press conference wrapped up, Dr. Greaves insisted, “This isn’t about discrimination. It’s about fairness. Some people need more tests than others. That’s why I always double-check my wife’s credit card bills — it’s common sense.”
He then announced a pilot program: “If this works, next year we’ll expand the exams to atheists, vegans, and anyone who’s ever watched more than three seasons of ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ Because honestly, those people worry me more.”
Disclaimer
This satirical article is a collaboration between two sentient humans — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy farmer. No AI, just cow pies and irony.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
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