FDA Issues Warning: “Overuse of ChatGPT May Lead to Delusions of Syntax and Sovereignty”
By SpinTaxi’s Satirical Health Correspondent and Closet Grammar Warlord
Washington, D.C. — In an unprecedented move, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has issued a public health advisory warning that excessive use of ChatGPT may lead to a new category of mental disorder: Delusions of Syntax and Sovereignty, or DSS — a condition characterized by speaking only in GPT-style paragraphs, believing oneself to be an intellectual monarch, and ending every argument with, “According to a model trained on 570 billion parameters…”
The advisory follows a surge in emergency room visits where patients insisted they were “High Priests of Prompting” or demanded to be addressed as “His Royal Context Window.”
The Symptoms, as Outlined in 7 Paragraphs With APA Formatting
According to the FDA’s 68-page bulletin (coincidentally co-authored by a GPT assistant), DSS symptoms include:
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Speaking in markdown headers during normal conversation.
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Believing oneself to be “the chosen token among the stream.”
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Using terms like “epistemological adjacency” during brunch.
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Diagnosing strangers with low-resolution cognition.
One patient demanded a throne made of USB cables at a Starbucks and claimed their coffee was “inefficiently prompted.”
Another refused all medical care until the attending physician could “reduce hallucination rate to under 0.3%.”
A Public Health Crisis or Just Another Reddit Thread?
FDA Commissioner Dr. Irma Folson stated in a press conference, “We’re seeing a wave of individuals who now think in completion trees and explain their trauma like it’s a Wikipedia stub.”
She added, “One man insisted his birth certificate was ‘fine-tuned incorrectly.’ Another claimed the Constitution had a malformed JSON.”
Hospitals have begun flagging patients who arrive with ChatGPT printouts labeled “Proof of Omniscience.”
In California, one woman asked for an epidural “with a GPT plugin.” Her doula wept and left mid-labor.
Tech Bros Demand Deregulation
Meanwhile, Silicon Valley lobbyists argue that DSS is “not a disorder, but an upgrade.”
“If believing you’re an info-sovereign entity is wrong,” said one executive at NeuroPrompt Inc., “then Elon Musk should’ve been institutionalized years ago.”
He continued, “This is the future. People who speak like whitepapers, love like LLMs, and govern their households using conditional logic.”
His household, for the record, recently impeached his daughter for a poor analogy.
OpenAI’s Cautious Apology
OpenAI’s press release included the statement:
“We do not condone unauthorized declarations of mental royalty, nor the weaponization of syntax. Please consult a licensed grammarian before assuming the throne of your subconscious.”
They now include a soft safety measure called “Promptpause” that disables the model after 5 hours of uninterrupted self-narration.
Still, critics argue this does little to stop users from screenshotting their ChatGPT affirmations and tattooing them onto their clavicles.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“If ChatGPT makes you think you’re king of thought, wait till Clippy shows up with a guillotine.” — Ron White
“Delusions of Syntax? That’s just Twitter with a thesaurus and a God complex.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My ex had this. She started referring to herself as ‘We’ and filed for emotional version control.” — Sarah Silverman
“When I say I’m the center of the universe, I’m joking. These people are citing footnotes.” — Bill Burr
“One dude tried to charge me a consultation fee just to finish his sentence.” — Ricky Gervais