New study reveals excessive lavender usage and unsolicited tarot readings at brunch

In a peer-reviewed study that has rocked both the feline and the pagan communities, researchers at the University of New Hampshire’s Department of Quasi-Mystical Behavioral Science (Q-MBS) have concluded that owning six or more cats is strongly correlated with believing you’re a reincarnated Renaissance witch.

“The evidence was purring at us the whole time,” said lead researcher Dr. Maple Bracken, whose own research cat, Sir Meowgic, often types runes on her keyboard. “We were trying to determine the exact moment a person transitions from a normal pet owner to a spiritual oracle who insists Mercury is ‘always’ in retrograde. Turns out, it’s right after the sixth cat.”

Tarot Cards and Tuna: A Household Transformed

Participants in the study reported that upon adopting their sixth cat, several changes occurred simultaneously: they spontaneously purchased twelve yards of velvet fabric, began brewing loose-leaf teas that allegedly “aligned their aura,” and started referring to full moons as “monthly power surges.”

“I don’t know what came over me,” confessed Veronica Etheridge, a 43-year-old copy editor from Des Moines. “One day I was cleaning the litter box and the next, I was barefoot in my backyard chanting about fertility. The cats told me to do it. Well, maybe not in words, but in eye contact.”

She now sells handcrafted protection amulets online for $147.99 each, shipping not included.

Signs You May Be a Cat-Witch Hybrid

According to the Q-MBS study, symptoms include:

• Referring to your microwave as a “spellbox of rewarming.”
• Calling your ex a “wand-thief.”
• Trying to get your landlord to accept payment in the form of rare crystals.
• Naming your cats things like “Lady Bastet,” “Meowgana le Fey,” and “Chairman Mew.”

One case involved a Portland woman who was reported to be saging her Uber driver after detecting “unsettled chakras.” The driver, later identified as Carl Peebles, simply wanted her to wear a seatbelt. “I don’t even know what she was waving,” Peebles told us. “It smelled like barbecue and regret.”

Historical Delusion or Feline-Fueled Feminism?

Some experts argue this is less about mental delusion and more about reclaiming a lost legacy.

“For centuries, women with opinions, herbs, or cats have been labeled witches,” said Professor Magnolia Pendragon, head of the Feminist History Department at Oberlin’s College of Controversial Hobbies. “Now they’re embracing it—along with a lot of hairless cats and sketchy Etsy shops.”

When asked if this trend was empowering or eccentric, she responded, “Both. My familiar says hi.”

The Role of Instagram in the Spiritual Spiral

Social media has added fuel to the spellfire. Platforms like Instagram and TikTok are overflowing with influencers performing slow-motion candle rituals beside their Himalayan cat named Hexxus. The #WitchTok community now has over 9 billion views, according to Pew Research and one very anxious IT guy named Steve who accidentally opened the app and now dreams of bees made of quartz.

“I used to follow makeup tutorials,” says 26-year-old Alayna Moonstone, “but then I saw a post that said Aquarians should bathe in lavender milk during Scorpio season or risk romantic extinction. It just made sense. Plus, I had a gallon of goat milk expiring in the fridge.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Six cats is the gateway drug to speaking in riddles and charging $20 to tell someone their ‘energy is off because of Saturn’s mood.’” — Jerry Seinfeld

“If you name one more cat after a moon goddess, I’m gonna send in a priest and an exterminator.” — Ron White

“It’s not witchcraft if it’s just passive-aggressively whispering spells at your ex-husband’s new girlfriend.” — Sarah Silverman

Local Authorities Issue Precautions

In response to the trend, the American Pet Association and Department of Housing issued a joint warning, urging landlords to check for “ritual circles made from yarn” before renewing leases. One landlord in Santa Fe discovered a full altar made of antique cat bowls and three jars labeled “Ambition,” “Closure,” and “Tuna.”

Meanwhile, fire departments nationwide report a 600% increase in small apartment fires caused by “candle grids,” where tea lights are arranged to form constellations or passive-aggressive texts to the universe.

Cat-Witch Support Groups on the Rise

Support groups like Feline Femmes United and Hairball Coven Alliance now meet in Zoom circles every Tuesday to “share spells, memes, and Meow Mix coupon codes.” One member, known only as Elder WhiskerHeart, hosts weekly sessions in which participants chant to a cardboard cutout of Alan Rickman as Professor Snape.

Future Research Directions

Dr. Maple Bracken plans a follow-up study on whether owning eight or more cats leads to believing one is an immortal being trapped in human form due to a curse cast in the 14th century. Early results suggest “very yes.”

She’s also testing whether an eighth cat automatically triggers a Zoom invitation from a woman named Celestina who runs a “School of Meowgic.”

Conclusion: Is This the New Normal?

In a world of economic instability, cultural upheaval, and student loan debt that requires divine intervention, many are choosing to channel their power through the lens of feline mysticism. One furball at a time.

And as one woman told researchers: “It’s not delusion—it’s destiny. Plus, if you have six cats, who’s gonna argue with you? They already control the furniture.”