WASHINGTON, D.C. — The latest push for an FAA air traffic control upgrade reached Congress this weekend, where lawmakers were reportedly briefed on the existence of a man named Frank who knows which cable goes where. Frank has been with the agency since the era when a router was something you bought to give the edge of a kitchen cabinet a nice finish.
President Trump used the nationwide ground stop to press Congress for more modernization money, according to the Associated Press report on the funding push. The money would buy updated equipment and, in a compromise acceptable to both parties, one additional year of asking Frank when he plans to retire.
FAA Air Traffic Control Upgrade Reaches the Extension Cord
The FAA’s ground-stop statement cited communication issues affecting multiple air route traffic control centers. The Transportation Department’s update credits controllers and pilots with safely grounding more than 3,500 flights. The people who keep planes apart did their jobs. The people who approve equipment purchases are now considering a commemorative hearing.
Congress already approved $12.5 billion for the FAA last year, AP reported. Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy has called that a down payment. Anyone who has remodeled a bathroom knows what this means. You picked a faucet. The plumber opened the wall. You now own a second mortgage and a faucet.
The Documentation Is On the Back of an Envelope
The proposed handoff calls for Frank to train three apprentices. One will learn the equipment. One will learn which parts of the equipment the manual is talking about. The third will attend meetings on whether Frank should be allowed to write on the manual.
The committee entered an envelope into the record as Exhibit A. It had two arrows, a coffee ring and the words “ask Frank.” Procurement has since requested three competitive bids for an envelope with equivalent capabilities.
At the airport, passengers expressed relief that the outage was resolved and asked whether Congress could also find the cable connecting the airline app to the gate agent. One traveler said her phone sent her to a different terminal while the gate agent told her to stand perfectly still. She compromised by walking backward on the moving sidewalk and was upgraded to a middle seat.
A Retirement Party With Contingency Plans
A successful upgrade gives technicians a tested backup when a component fails and gives their successors documentation clear enough to follow at three in the morning. That’s a modest standard until you try to explain to a houseguest which remote turns on your television.
Frank is reportedly willing to stay through the transition. He has asked for a new label maker, two afternoons off and permission to physically unplug the office printer after his last day. Congress agreed to study the printer in a separate bill.
The hearing recessed after someone suggested a live demonstration. Frank asked the committee whether it wanted to be able to fly home that evening. The demonstration was moved to a date to be determined.
Bohiney disclaimer. Frank is a composite of everyone who has ever been called back from a retirement party to fix something.