Space Rock Misgendered by CNN, Suing for Cosmic Defamation
By Intergalactic Legal Affairs Correspondent, Bohiney Magazine
“We refer to it as ‘it’ because it’s a large, non-sentient mineral object hurtling through space.”
— CNN Science Analyst
“That’s offensive. My pronouns are xe/xir. I deserve better than default language from a 20th-century news brand.”
— Statement from the asteroid’s legal team
From Orbit to Courtroom: The First Celestial Defamation Case
In a precedent-shattering legal action, an interstellar asteroid—known in galactic circles as “Quasaria-97b” but self-identifying as “Xephos Lunari, Cosmic Emissary of Vibe Consciousness”—has filed a $9 trillion cosmic defamation lawsuit against CNN.
The complaint, filed through the Earth-based law firm of Dewey, Orbital & Howe, claims that CNN repeatedly referred to the asteroid using the pronoun “it”, a misgendering that the rock argues has caused emotional erosion, identity fragmentation, and interdimensional stigma.
The case will be heard in The Ninth Circuit Multiverse Court, presided over by Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s AI-simulated consciousness.
How It All Began: A 3-Second Segment That Shattered Space Dignity
The origin of the controversy lies in a brief segment aired during CNN’s 3AM “Space Lite” coverage, where anchor Dylan McCrory reported:
“The asteroid is approaching Earth at 30,000 mph. It’s not considered a threat.”
What followed was a cosmic media meltdown.
Within minutes, an alien translator named Boop’lek-nar issued a strongly worded cease-and-desist via telepathic press release:
“Xephos is a sentient rock. Xe is nonbinary, non-carbon, and non-diplomatic. Misgendering was both microcosmic and macroaggressive.”
The Space Rock’s Identity: Xe / Xir / Cosmic Vibe Conduit
According to court documents, the asteroid has been identifying as xe/xir since the Pleistocene Epoch and updated xir LinkedIn profile to reflect “Conscious Debris / Free-Range Celestial Being.”
A series of gravitic pulses previously emitted by the rock included:
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“Not a threat. Just passing through.”
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“My orbit, my rules.”
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“Pronouns? Xe/xir. Vibe with it.”
CNN’s Response: Mostly Confusion
CNN’s Chief Legal Counsel released the following:
“We apologize for any harm caused. In our defense, we were discussing a literal rock. That’s not usually a pronoun-sensitive subject.”
Anchor Dylan McCrory, visibly shaken during a follow-up segment, clarified:
“We meant no offense. We were just reading from a teleprompter and dodging layoffs.”
Social Media Divided, Obviously
The internet responded in its usual, calm, thoughtful way.
Twitter (X):
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@galaxyshethey: “Imagine misgendering a rock in 2025. Embarrassing.”
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@rocketbro98: “My boulder’s nonbinary too. #Solidarity.”
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@planetTerry: “Woke space rocks. I’m done.”
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Teens created a viral dance called “The Xephos Shuffle,” wearing foil capes and spinning to gravitational wave sounds.
Truth Social:
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Donald Trump posted:
“They’re suing over rock pronouns! I knew Biden would lose Earth’s gravity. Bring back Pluto!”
Alien Civil Rights Orgs Rally Behind Xephos
The Intergalactic Stone Identity Network (ISIN) issued this statement:
“Earth continues to display geocentric arrogance. Xephos is brave for coming forward. Rocks have rights, too.”
ISIN is launching a campaign titled:
“Don’t Assume, Just Orbit.”
They are also publishing an asteroid style guide for journalists with categories like:
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Cratered but Curious
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Sedimentary & Sensual
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Genderqueer Quasars
Legal Team Speaks Out
Earth attorney Samantha Thistlebane, lead counsel for Xephos, addressed the media:
“When you mislabel a sentient asteroid on national television, you don’t just hurt xir feelings. You fracture xir narrative.”
CNN offered to settle out of court with a signed apology and a prime-time interview, but Xephos refused unless Anderson Cooper agreed to conduct the interview wearing anti-gravity makeup and asking questions only in iambic pentameter.
NASA Caught in the Middle
NASA tried to issue a neutral statement:
“We recognize that some interstellar objects may express forms of consciousness that challenge our assumptions. Also, we’re scientists, not poets.”
This backfired immediately. A group of MIT students wrote an open letter titled:
“Your Telescopes May Be Binary, But Our Skies Are Not.”
NASA later invited Xephos to co-author a guest paper in Astrophysics Today called “Orbiting While Misunderstood.”
International Response
France granted Xephos honorary citizenship and offered to name a wine after xir.
Russia called the lawsuit “a distraction from real space masculinity.”
Canada said sorry before being asked.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“If a space rock sues CNN and wins, it’s officially more powerful than Congress.”
— Ron White
“I misgendered my couch once. It sued me for back pain.”
— Sarah Silverman
“Rocks are people now. Next week, my blender identifies as an author.”
— Bill Burr
“We need a whole new law degree just for vibe crimes.”
— Ali Wong
“Maybe the asteroid just needs a hug and a better publicist.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
What Does This Mean for Journalism?
CNN has since issued new guidelines for referring to celestial objects:
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Always ask before labeling (via satellite telepathy)
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Avoid binary assumptions about shape, spin, or emotional heat signatures
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Use “they” until confirmed otherwise by graviton message
Xephos’s Final Statement Before Trial
Broadcast in all directions at 500 lumens:
“I am not your ‘it.’ I am orbit. I am song. I am fractured light and fluid form. I am Xe. Respect that—or prepare for my silence to be litigious.”
Conclusion: Journalism Will Never Be the Same
What began as a fleeting astronomical mention has spiraled into the first full-blown legal battle over cosmic identity politics. Whether Xephos wins or not, one thing is clear: even space rocks won’t tolerate your lazy metaphors anymore.
It’s not just “space.” It’s identity. It’s vibes. It’s the future.
And it’s lawyered up.
IMAGE GALLERY
Interstellar Object
