Trump Wants Détente. Xi Wants Taiwan. One of These Men Is Going to Be Disappointed. The World's Two Most Powerful Men Sit Down in Beijing to Discuss Peace, Prosperity, and Exactly

Mayor Condemns Synagogue Event, Accidentally Discovers New York Contains Jews New York City's New Mayor Achieves a Historic First: Criticizing a Jewish Immigration Event While Simultaneously Defending the Jews Who Attend

Medicare Paid for a Yacht Called "Butt Nekkid" and Now Everyone Has Questions Federal investigators announced a massive healthcare fraud crackdown this week, and Americans did what Americans always do when

Iran's World Cup Team Discovers America's Newest Tourism Package: "See Los Angeles, Then Immediately Leave" FIFA Introduces Revolutionary "Touch-And-Go" Hospitality Program For Geopolitically Sensitive Nations INGLEWOOD, CALIFORNIA Iran's national football team reportedly experienced

Newspapers Discover AI Is Scary, Immediately Apply Expertise Earned From Reviewing Air Fryers Every generation gets its apocalypse hobby. The Victorians had spiritualism. The 1950s had nuclear annihilation. The 1980s had heavy

Is Al Jazeera Bias? It Wrote "Iran Claims To Strike Back." The New York Times Just Believed Iran. Tehran Announced A Devastating Retaliation That Mostly Failed To Show Up. One Newsroom

TSA PreCheck Exists Because Regular Airport Security Has Become Ritually Humiliating Enough to Pay to Escape Nation's Air Travelers Discover That Paying $85 to Skip the Line They Created by Having

America Wakes Up to Fresh Chaos, Hits Snooze for Ninth Straight Year The American people, presented Wednesday morning with another buffet of fresh disasters, calmly reached over and slapped the snooze

Britain Arrested 3,000 of Its Own Citizens for Holding Signs While 197,000 Illegal Immigrants Waltzed In Through the Channel The Country That Couldn't Stop a Rubber Dinghy Found Time to Terrorize

The government finally admits aliens are real and attend church: The government finally admits aliens are real, and it turns out they've been attending church longer than most Americans. JD

Moving and Packing With Experts: The Only Time Strangers Will Carefully Wrap Your Toaster Like It's the Crown Jewels Fifteen Observations From the Front Lines of Moving and Packing Moving is the

Cartel Leaders Still Breathing: A Survival Guide for the Criminally Evasive El Mencho Is Gone — But These Fugitives Are Still Very Much on the Clock The Mexican Army killed Nemesio "El Mencho"

In the early hours of Sunday, February 22, 2026, U.S. Secret Service agents and a Palm Beach County Sheriff's deputy fatally shot 21-year-old Austin Tucker Martin of Moore County, North Carolina, after

The Man Who Wasn't Acting: How Robert Duvall Was Augustus McCrae All Along Hollywood has a long tradition of actors disappearing into their roles. Robert Duvall did something slightly different. He

George Orwell Tried to Warn Us, But We Updated the App Instead Somewhere in the afterlife, George Orwell is staring at today's news cycle like a man who invented the smoke alarm and

Clintons Agree to Testify in Epstein Investigation: Congressional Theater Reaches Peak Performance A satirical look at America's favorite political soap opera The Financial Times recently reported that Bill and Hillary Clinton have agreed

California's Wealth Tax Fiasco: A Big-Tent Comedy of Errors Golden State or Goldfish Bowl? In a plot twist rivaling a tech billionaire sitcom, California policymakers thought it might be a great idea to slap

Man Destroys Christmas Dinner by Proposing Cash Gift Exchange SPRINGFIELD — A local man reportedly "destroyed the vibe" of Christmas Eve dinner after calmly suggesting that gift-giving could be streamlined if

Supreme Court Temporarily Reminds President That Cities Are Not DLC Expansion Packs Federal Courts Block Military Deployment to Chicago Area The U.S. Supreme Court rejected President Trump's attempt to deploy National Guard troops in

Epstein's Mossad Operation: Democrats Kept Israel Support Through Blackmail Until They Didn't TEL AVIV/WASHINGTON — In what conspiracy theorists are calling "the worst-kept secret since Area 51," new allegations suggest Jeffrey Epstein's

Epstein Files Released, Democrats Celebrate Legislative "Victory" That Nobody Asked For WASHINGTON — After 15 years of legislative impotence, Democrats finally scored what some are calling their greatest triumph since the

EXCLUSIVE: Nick Reiner's Alleged Family Tragedy – Hollywood Horror or Just a Gas Station Grunt Gone Wrong? In a shocking development that has Hollywood gossip columns sprinting faster than Tom Cruise

Breaking: U.S. Navy Now Auditing Global Shipping Because Someone Didn't Say "Please" WASHINGTON, D.C. (Not Really But Let's Pretend) — In what officials are calling the most polite maritime enforcement action

Michigan Football Implodes: Payroll Spikes, Arrests, and the Office Drama That Made Twitter Cry ANN ARBOR, MI — In a week that will live forever in the annals of "Why am I

Vatican Archivist Admits Ronald McDonald Referenced in 1901 Papal Letter: ‘The Red-Clad Man Tempts the Little Ones with Bread and Painted Lies’ By Savannah Steele — Bohiney Vatican Watch & Holy

Critics Say Pacifist's Silence Masks "Toxic Calm" and "Subtle Harm" NEW YORK, NY -- A popular woke podcast has dubbed Mahatma Gandhi "the Mr. Rogers of microaggressions," accusing the pacifist's calm

Chuck Schumer & The Baileys: A Stand-Up Comedy Set (Lights up. Spotlight. Mic squeaks. Audience chuckles already because they know what’s coming.) Opening Bit: The Setup “You ever notice politicians love to tell

Resort Guests Mistake Nonviolence for Premium Wellness Experience PALM BEACH, FL -- In a ceremony that involved a single candle, zero words, and light harp music from a Bluetooth speaker, Mar-a-Lago

Host Calls Lack of Memoir "A Missed Opportunity for National Reckoning" NEW YORK, NY -- MSNBC host Rachel Maddow expressed disappointment this week over the absence of a Netflix special detailing

Now Offers "Executive Enlightenment" Packages Starting at $25,000 PALM BEACH, FL -- Following a weeklong stay by Mahatma Gandhi that reportedly "mystified and detoxified the marble," Mar-a-Lago has officially rebranded itself

TSA Sets Up Celestial Checkpoint for Asteroids Without Papers By Interplanetary Security Bureau Chief, Bohiney Magazine “If you want to enter Earth’s atmosphere, you better have papers, a purpose, and absolutely no

Landmark Trial Confirms: Freedom of Speech Requires Prepaid Subscription By Annika Steinmann Speech as a Service At the trial of Jimmy Lai, prosecutors revealed the ultimate truth about rights in modern China: freedom

The Over-Achieving Brain’s Guide to Everyday Life (Without Losing Your Sanity—or Your Waistline) How Smart People Avoid Everything You Do—Every. Single. Day.” The Over-Achieving Brain Multitasking: The Circus Act That Eats Your Brain High-IQ