Microdosing Mishaps
“I Was Trying to Enhance My Workflow. I Accidentally Became a Poet Laureate of Stationery.”
Twenty-two-year-old marketing intern Jax Dempsey of the startup GloBloom was placed on “reflective leave” this week after microdosing LSD for “creative enhancement” and subsequently emailing the entire executive team a PowerPoint titled *Ink Is the Blood of Innovation: A Haiku Journey.* The deck contained 47 original haikus about office supplies, specifically pens, and included hand-drawn watercolor illustrations of paper clips weeping beneath a full moon.
“I was inspired by the way the Pilot G2 glides,” Jax explained. “It’s not a pen. It’s a portal.”
The incident began when Jax, citing the advice of a podcast hosted by a barefoot entrepreneur named “Lucid Troy,” decided to begin a daily microdosing regimen using tabs stored in an Altoids tin labeled “Ideas.”
“The first day, I saw the color green for the first time–like, really saw it,” Jax said, staring intensely at a potted plant. “By day three, I had merged spiritually with a legal pad.”
Coworkers noticed changes. “He started calling the copier ‘Brother Xerox’ and said it had ancient wisdom,” said fellow intern Camille. “And during stand-up, he chanted about synergy like he was summoning a PowerPoint deity.”
The haikus themselves were deeply emotional. One read: “Ballpoint confesses / Secrets held in your spiral / Meeting notes weep ink.”
The CEO initially believed it was performance art. “I thought we were being trolled by Adobe,” he said. “But then he tried to lead a guided meditation on ‘the narrative of staplers.’ That’s when we knew.”
HR intervened after Jax attempted to install an “empathy altar” in the restroom using incense, kombucha, and a hand-written poem about toner cartridges. He was escorted from the building mid-soliloquy.
Since the incident, Jax has become a TikTok sensation under the handle @TheOfficeShaman and released a chapbook titled *Margins of the Mind.* It’s currently ranked #3 in the “Business & Psychedelic Lyrical Nonfiction” category on Amazon.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
