THE PARIS PEACE TREATIES

ORIGINAL ISSUE – Bohiney Magazine from February 22, 1947

ALLIES SIGN PEACE TREATIES WITH AXIS MINIONS: WORLD WAR II OFFICIALLY ENDS FOR COUNTRIES NOBODY REMEMBERED WERE STILL AT WAR

PARIS – FEBRUARY 10, 1947

In an elegant ballroom once reserved for champagne and declarations of love, diplomats from five battered Axis nations—Italy, Romania, Hungary, Bulgaria, and Finland—signed peace treaties that technically ended World War II, prompting the rest of the world to exclaim in unison:

“Wait, we were still doing that?”

After two years of armistices, occupations, and awkward silences at international conferences, the Allies finally remembered to officially break up with their lesser enemies. The treaties were signed with the kind of pomp only Europe can still afford despite rationing: violins, fountain pens, and one French delegate still wearing epaulettes from 1918.

“Peace is at hand,” said a U.S. envoy. “And with it comes the chance to ignore Eastern Europe again.”

WHAT THE TREATIES ACTUALLY SAY

Each treaty includes the following thrilling stipulations:

Return territory that wasn’t yours to begin with.
Stop pretending you were neutral.
Pay reparations, preferably in currency, but potatoes acceptable.
No more militaries that march like they’re starring in Dr. Caligari’s Army.
Please try democracy, or at least fake it convincingly for five years.

Italy, as usual, was the star of the show, given its size and Mussolini’s past hobby of trying to out-fascist Hitler and failing. The Italian delegation agreed to:

Renounce all claims to spaghetti colonies in Africa.
Acknowledge that Albania is, in fact, a country.
Never again allow a dictator who looks like a shaved walrus to take power.

ROMANIA SIGNS TREATY, HOPES NO ONE NOTICES THEY SWITCHED SIDES FOUR TIMES

Romania showed up to the peace table looking like a kid who switched teams halfway through dodgeball. At various points during the war, they allied with Germany, the USSR, themselves, and possibly a passing goose.

Their ambassador, holding a half-eaten cabbage roll and a trembling pen, said:

“We regret all alliances. Especially the ones where tanks were involved.”

The treaty allows Romania to keep its borders mostly intact, in exchange for pretending not to be scared of Stalin.

HUNGARY SIGNS TREATY, OFFERS TO WRITE “SORRY” ON ALL THE MAPS

Hungary’s delegation arrived in Paris wearing suits that hadn’t been ironed since 1938. They agreed to pay reparations, reduce armed forces, and stop invading Czechoslovakia every time someone sneezes near the border.

One diplomat whispered:

“We didn’t mean to cause trouble. We just thought Anschluss was a dance.”

BULGARIA’S PEACE TREATY: “YOU DIDN’T DO MUCH, BUT DON’T DO IT AGAIN”

Bulgaria, who mostly wandered around WWII like a confused tourist, was told:

“We’re not mad. Just disappointed.”

Their treaty includes strict prohibitions on:

Repeating 1915.
Hosting German troops on accident.
Calling themselves “the Prussia of the Balkans” unironically.

In exchange, Bulgaria gets to keep its borders and remain geographically mysterious to 90% of the U.S. Congress.

FINLAND SIGNS TREATY, REMINDS EVERYONE “WE ONLY SHOT AT THE SOVIETS A LITTLE”

Finland, arriving fashionably late and visibly frostbitten, attempted to explain their wartime activity using charts, maps, and polite shrugs.

Their peace treaty includes a clause in which they:

Cede some territory back to the USSR (again).
Officially admit that saunas do not count as defensive fortifications.
Promise not to fight future wars shirtless, even if it’s traditional.

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING – 1947 EDITION

“Peace with Italy? That’s like forgiving your barber after he shaves your eyebrows off and moves in with your wife.” — Groucho Marx

“Hungary’s peace plan is basically: ‘We’re sorry, we’re small, we’ll stop.’ I respect that.” — Bob Hope

“I tried reading the Romanian treaty. It just said ‘Oops’ in six languages.” — George Burns

“Bulgaria joined WWII, forgot which side it was on, then signed a peace treaty with itself.” — Lucille Ball

“Finland brought a sled to a tank fight, then asked for forgiveness with hot cocoa.” — Jack Benny

SOVIET UNION DEMANDS LARGER FONT IN THE TREATIES

At the conference, the Soviet delegation insisted that their name be in bold, capital letters throughout the documents.

When asked why, a Soviet diplomat answered:

“Because Stalin enjoys symmetry. And also because fear is best printed in size 22 font.”

The Soviets secured:

The ability to supervise Eastern Europe via “advisors” who carry pistols.
Permanent moral superiority over Romania (they framed the clause).
A new Soviet-friendly government in Hungary, Romania, and Bulgaria. The “friendly” is silent.

FRENCH DELEGATION ARRIVES DRUNK, SIGNS EVERYTHING, DECLARES VICTORY

The French foreign minister celebrated the treaties as a “triumph of diplomacy,” kissed three waiters, then fell into the Seine.

France, having hosted the conference, demanded:

First pick of all leftover cheeses.
The right to veto any treaty signed while the waiter was away.
A bronze plaque reading “We Were There, Too.”

THE UNITED STATES SHOWS UP WITH PEACE IN ONE HAND, BLUEPRINTS IN THE OTHER

American diplomats arrived late due to train confusion and lunch delays. Once on-site, they expressed support for all treaties, especially the parts that didn’t require funding.

The U.S. proposal:

“Let’s forgive, but not forget. And also, let’s leave Europe soon-ish.”

Behind closed doors, one aide was heard saying:

“Look, we’re not paying for another reconstruction. We already bought England dinner. They can’t order dessert, too.”

SIGNATURES TAKEN, BUT PENS CONFISCATED “TO AVOID STARTING NEW COUNTRIES”

Once all parties signed the documents, their pens were immediately seized by French security, citing “historic precaution.”

According to one observer:

“Last time Italy got a pen, Mussolini used it to sign a pact with Hitler. Never again.”

POST-CONFERENCE AFTERPARTY: DIPLOMATS DANCE, ACCIDENTALLY DRAW NEW BORDERS ON TABLECLOTH

As peace was sealed, an informal celebration broke out in the reception hall.

The Hungarian ambassador and Bulgarian deputy minister reportedly engaged in an impromptu foxtrot that resulted in Yugoslavia gaining 17 square kilometers.

Meanwhile, the Romanian delegation tried to flirt with a Finnish translator and accidentally ceded Transylvania.

WHAT THE TREATIES MEAN FOR THE AVERAGE EUROPEAN

Your map is now obsolete.
You owe someone money.
A Soviet advisor will be living in your attic.
The Americans may leave, but their chewing gum will remain.
The British say you’re forgiven, but they’re watching you like a suspicious teacup.

THE CYNICAL TAKE: THIS IS “PEACE” IN THE SAME WAY CARDBOARD IS “FURNITURE”

Not everyone is impressed. One Polish analyst described the conference as:

“A theatrical performance in which the guilty are forgiven, the innocent are forgotten, and everyone else gets a border adjustment.”

A Yugoslav observer asked:

“What is the point of treaties when tanks speak louder than typewriters?”

THE PEACE CONFERENCE’S SECRET TAKEAWAYS (ALLEGEDLY)

Czechoslovakia was intentionally not invited to avoid awkward questions.
Austria sent a fruit basket but no representative.
Spain, still under Franco, peeked through the window, took notes, and muttered something fascist.
Switzerland offered to host the next war’s peace treaty, preferably in skiing season.

AFTERMATH: THE WORLD WAR IS TECHNICALLY OVER, BUT HISTORY IS NOT

By February 11, 1947, the signatures were dry, the diplomats hungover, and the future uncertain. The Paris Peace Treaties brought symbolic closure to a conflict that had already been buried under bomb craters, Iron Curtains, and Cold War blueprints.

FINAL QUOTES FROM THE 1947 COMIC CHORUS

“So the war’s over. Again. I’ll believe it when I see a Frenchman hug a German and not get slapped.” — Fred Allen

“If peace is a dinner party, this one served all the wrong guests and forgot dessert.” — Groucho Marx

“They signed five treaties and not one included a dancing clause. That’s how you get another war.” — Lucille Ball

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