U.S. Army to Steal Iran’s Nukes Using 1,000 Troops, Several Trucks, and a Vague Sense of Optimism
WASHINGTON — In what military planners are describing as “totally doable, probably,” the United States Armed Forces are reportedly finalizing a plan to sneak into Iran, locate approximately 972 pounds of highly enriched uranium stored in underground tunnels guarded by booby traps, decoy canisters, and an entire nation that hates them, load it all onto trucks, and drive away. Quietly.
Sources close to the Pentagon say the mission has been described internally as “like the bin Laden raid, but longer, heavier, deeper underground, and with considerably more explosive surprises.” Planners are said to be “cautiously optimistic,” which in military parlance means they have already picked the font for the commemorative coin.
The 972-Pound Elephant in the Room — Except It’s Uranium and It Will Kill You
At the heart of the operation is Iran’s remaining stockpile of uranium enriched to 60% purity — just one enrichment sprint away from weapons-grade material. The International Atomic Energy Agency confirmed the stockpile exists. Iran confirmed it exists. The problem, as one unnamed Defense official put it, is that “it’s just sitting there, being very enriched, very underground, and very Iranian.”
The uranium is stored in large steel canisters roughly the size of residential propane tanks, which has led at least one Pentagon analyst to describe the mission as “basically a barbecue supply run, except the grill will kill you and the host nation will shoot at your helicopter.”
U.S. Special Forces have been training for this mission for decades, practicing at sites designed to replicate Iranian underground tunnels. These replicas are located somewhere in the American Southwest, where the weather is also terrible and nobody wants to be there, so the training environment is considered quite authentic.
The Plan: Walk In, Grab the Stuff, Walk Out, Hope for the Best
According to experts who have clearly thought about this more than is healthy, the operation would unfold roughly as follows: Delta Force operators, wearing full radiological protection suits that make them look like particularly aggressive astronauts, would breach fortified tunnel entrances using heavy earth-moving equipment. They would then navigate passages that Iran has spent months filling with trip-wires, pressure-plate IEDs, and what intelligence analysts describe as “a general attitude of inhospitality.”
Once inside, the team would face Iran’s masterstroke: hundreds of decoy canisters, identical in appearance to the real ones, placed specifically to make American commandos spend as much time underground as possible. It is, essentially, the world’s most lethal game of three-card monte, played in a radioactive tunnel, with no mobile signal.
“Speed is the coin of the realm,” one national security analyst explained, apparently without irony, about a mission that could take multiple days. The bin Laden raid took 38 minutes. The capture of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro took under an hour. The Iran uranium mission is projected to take “several hours at minimum, possibly days, depending on how many decoys there are, which we don’t actually know.”
As comedian Bill Burr once observed about ambitious plans with obvious flaws: “You went in there. You knew what it was. And you went anyway.” The Pentagon has reportedly framed this as a feature, not a bug.
Getting There: Only 1,000 Miles By Sea, Give or Take a War Zone
U.S. forces would launch from naval vessels in the Arabian Sea, approximately 1,000 miles from the target. Alternatively, they could stage from Kuwait or eastern Iraq, which is shorter but requires flying over several countries that also don’t particularly want Americans in their airspace right now.
To preserve the element of surprise, operators would establish a forward staging ground several miles from the objective, build an improvised landing strip in the Iranian desert, and then walk to the target on foot. Military officials stress that this is standard procedure and not, as it might appear, a sign that the planning has gone slightly off the rails.
As many as 1,000 troops may be required to secure a perimeter around the target sites, drawn potentially from the 82nd Airborne Division, elements of which have already begun moving into the Middle East. The 82nd Airborne has not officially confirmed its role. It has, however, been seen packing.
The Exit Strategy: Everybody’s Favorite Part
“Coming home is always more dangerous,” one analyst noted, with the calm demeanor of a man who will be watching this from a very safe location in Virginia.
By the time U.S. forces attempt to exfiltrate — military terminology for “get the hell out” — the element of surprise will be gone, Iranian forces will have had time to organize, and the commandos will be exhausted from several hours or days of tunnel archaeology in hazmat suits while being shot at. They will also be transporting truckloads of uranium hexafluoride, which, if a canister is breached, releases toxic gas that will kill everyone in the vicinity.
On the bright side, Iran might fire ballistic missiles at its own nuclear sites to prevent the extraction, which would at least resolve the uranium problem, albeit in a manner that the Environmental Protection Agency would find objectionable.
In Case of Total Disaster: The Backup Plan
If the mission fails, the United States will have participated in what experts are calling a potential “Black Hawk Down situation, but with added radiation.” The Iranian regime will declare a historic victory. The uranium will remain in Iranian hands. Congressional hearings will last approximately four years.
If it succeeds, Iran’s nuclear program — built over decades at the cost of its entire economy and international standing — will be set back by years. Possibly decades. The President will get a very good speech. The Delta Force operators will get a classified medal they can never display at Thanksgiving.
Either way, the 82nd Airborne has already packed.
As Dave Chappelle once put it about situations where the stakes are impossibly high and the plan is held together by confidence alone: “This might work. It also might not work. But either way, we’re doing it.” The Pentagon could not be reached for comment, as it was busy studying maps of a mountain called Pickaxe, which should have been everyone’s first warning.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
The United States is engaged in an active military campaign against Iran following years of failed diplomatic efforts to curtail Tehran’s nuclear enrichment programme. The International Atomic Energy Agency has confirmed Iran retains approximately 972 pounds of uranium enriched to 60% purity — a short technical step from weapons-grade material. President Trump has declared the elimination of Iran’s nuclear capability a primary objective of the campaign. Military experts have warned that physically seizing or destroying the underground stockpile would require a ground operation potentially involving up to 1,000 troops, Delta Force nuclear retrieval specialists, and multi-site missions against hardened facilities at Isfahan, Natanz, and a location known as Pickaxe Mountain. The operation would be significantly larger and more complex than any special operations mission previously attempted by U.S. forces.