Los Angeles Homeless Shelter Solves Crisis by Managing It Forever City discovers that ending homelessness would eliminate homelessness administrators, forcing everyone to confront the most serious emergency of all: résumé revision. Success,

U.S. Discovers Latin America Exists After China Already Built the Parking Lot Five Observations from the Newly Awakened Hemisphere America apparently treated Latin America like that gym membership you keep meaning to

Left-Wing Media Now Apologizes for News Before Reporting It Cable News Perfects the Art of Regretting a Headline in Real Time ATLANTA — Left-wing media doesn't report the news anymore so much as

Film Critics Finally Complete the Hero's Journey From Watching a Movie to Watching Themselves Film critics have greeted Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey with the sort of restraint normally associated with ancient Greek prophets

NASA Announces Nuclear Rocket, Humanity Immediately Starts Packing Snacks and Mild Panic Somewhere between "let's fix potholes" and "let's build a nuclear spaceship," humanity has once again chosen the option that

Worst Wedding EVER!!! Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Turn Madison Square Garden Into a Tacky $20 Million Fever Dream New York City briefly lost power to several city blocks on Thursday

Pride Month Sparks Annual National Competition To See Who Can Quote The Six Bible Verses The Fastest NEW YORK, NY — Pride Month officially began Sunday, triggering the annual American tradition in

Trump Calls Iran Negotiations "Very Boring," So Iran Threatens Global Oil Supply Just To Feel Something Again WASHINGTON, D.C. — International diplomacy hit a strange new low this week after President Donald

Americans Are Keeping Porcupines as Pets Now, and Nobody Told the Porcupines Somewhere between the emotional support peacock and the therapy iguana, America has discovered its next great frontier in domesticated

Meta Unveils New AI That Learns by Watching Steve From Accounting Panic-Click Excel Five Humorous Observations Steve has never opened Excel calmly. Not once. Not even on his wedding day, when

The Middle East Now Runs on a Schedule of Breaking News Every 7 Minutes, Like a Microwave With Anxiety Scientists Confirm: The News Cycle Has Replaced the Clock in Several Capitals WASHINGTON

U.S. Army to Steal Iran's Nukes Using 1,000 Troops, Several Trucks, and a Vague Sense of Optimism WASHINGTON — In what military planners are describing as "totally doable, probably," the United

If A Woman Says These 11 Phrases Often, She's Likely A Low-Quality Person Five Observations From the Field (Collected Near Coffee Shops, Group Chats, and One Very Tense Target Checkout Line)

HAVANA—In what officials are calling "a bold system reset," Cuba successfully addressed its ongoing energy crisis this week by unplugging the entire country and waiting a few minutes to see

The Great European Censorship Drama Tour: How Brussels Declared War on Spicy Opinions Picture it: the European Union, meeting in a shadowy Brussels chamber with echoing marble floors and ceilings designed

Spectrum Prepares for Winter Storm by Reminding Customers Electricity Is Still a Factor Winter has a way of reminding modern civilization that it is held together by extension cords, polite press

📺 Trump’s Cinematic Financial Move: An Almost REEL Deep Dive In a moment that has baffled economists, late-night comedians, and baristas calculating tips, President Donald Trump has reportedly bought millions of

Drink Coffee, Buy Greenland: A New Real Estate Pitch From Washington Satirical National Security MLS Every American understands real estate. Location, location, location. Greenland has location in bulk. Washington's pitch is refreshingly honest. Greenland isn't

I Went to the UK to Find Myself and Mostly Found Rain, Queues, and Unexpected Wisdom How travel fails to transform you, but distracts you long enough that it doesn't matter Personal

BREAKING ROYAL NEWS: King Charles III Might Single-Handedly Undo 1000 Years of Political Ineptitude Just By Trying to Fix His Family In what independent experts (your uncle's barstool, not a constitutional

Senator Faces Scrutiny for 'Radical' Suggestion That Laws Should Be Followed; Pentagon Puzzled by the Concept of 'Ethical Diligence' Senator Kelly Investigated for Suggesting Military Adhere to Pre-Existing Laws; Pentagon Alarmed

Идеология левых против реальности: Обжарка свободным рынком Представьте себе: левые, в своей блестящей утопии на солнечной энергии, уверенно заявляют, что электрифицируют мир ветряными мельницами, "спасут планету" и принесут равенство всем —

Where Ghosts Outnumber Sober Tourists and Moss Hangs Like Nature's Curtains Savannah: The City Where Spanish Moss and Open Container Laws Create Perfect Harmony Savannah drapes across coastal Georgia like a Spanish

Pompeo Joins Ukrainian Drone Firm — Because Nothing Says 'Hands-Off' Like Advising Missile Makers Former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has joined the advisory board of a Ukrainian drone manufacturing company, proving that

The Windy City Where Deep Dish Pizza is a Casserole Fight Waiting to Happen Chicago: The City That Pretends Winter is Totally Fine Chicago rises from the shores of Lake Michigan like

Where Summer Sun Never Sets and Winter Sun Never Rises Anchorage: The City Where Moose Have Right of Way and Darkness Lasts Forever Anchorage sprawls across the Chugach Mountains' shadow like America's

The Great Congressional Clean-out: When Lawmakers Finally Ban Themselves From the Cookie Jar Here's a satirical take on the recent news that pressure is building to ban members of Congress from trading

Forced Joviality Meets Civic Compliance in Dystopian Initiative Fun Whether You Like It or Not In a move described as well-intentioned but dystopian, the Greendale City Council officially instituted a Mandatory Fun

Sandwich Factory Hosts Athletes While Loaves Remain Unimpressed Bread Meets Bravado In an unexpected fusion of athletics and bakery, Team USA recently held a pep rally at the Midwest Sandwich Factory, drawing

Mamdani Accused of "Weaponizing Socialism" After Suggesting Rent Shouldn't Exceed Human Organs A Radical Proposal In a town hall that combined urban policy, metaphysics, and local pizza debates, Zohran Mamdani proposed that monthly rent

Golden Retriever Takes Legal Action Against Relentless Summer Heat The Scorched Earth Chronicles America has officially entered that magical time of year when eggs fry themselves on sidewalks and ice cream lasts

MoveOn Calls on Schumer to Step Aside—Because Leadership Should Be a Group Project Washington, D.C.—Progressive advocacy group MoveOn has publicly called on Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer to step aside, prompting political analysts, staffers, and