Suspicious Wellness Trends
“The Only Thing I’m Consuming Is Radiant Frequencies and Possibly My Retinas.”
Instagram wellness oracle Sage StormMoon has gone viral–and possibly blind–after announcing her latest regimen: sun-eating. In a video filmed during golden hour and lightly edited with celestial harp music, Sage declared that “physical food is a colonial myth” and that she now nourishes herself exclusively through sunbeams and gratitude journaling.
“Calories are just a government suggestion,” Sage intoned, sipping moon water and facing the sun like a houseplant with a personal brand.
Her followers–dubbed “Lightarians”–have attempted the practice with mixed results. Several now report symptoms including confusion, dizziness, and emotionally awakened cornea burns.
One fan, @OrganicOrb97, claimed, “I felt connected to the cosmos until I collapsed in a CVS. I was reaching for a Larabar but I knew that was the sun’s test.”
Medical professionals are urging caution. “Please eat food,” said Dr. Marvin Tillo, who has treated six cases of what he calls “Instagram-induced sunstroke.”
Sage has responded to critics by accusing them of “digestive gatekeeping” and offering a $299 e-course titled *Glowternal Nourishment: How to Digest the Day Star.*
Her next trend? Moon-chewing, which involves silently absorbing lunar beams while avoiding shade, both literal and figurative.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
