Suspicious Wellness Trends

Starch Therapy

Viral wellness coach Sage Glimmer posted a video claiming raw potatoes “suck out trauma through root chakra osmosis,” sparking a spud shortage and a nationwide surge in fridge-based healing rituals.

The Practice

Followers were instructed to “whisper affirmations to the tuber” and sleep with it tucked under their pillow. Many woke up with mashed bedding and emotional starch stains.

Expert Commentary

Nutritionist Dr. Ida Ho says, “Potatoes are great–when cooked. Using them as trauma sponges? That’s just half-baked.”

Public Reaction

Glimmer now sells crystal-infused Yukon Golds for $49.99. Reviews are mixed, but potatoes have never felt more validated.

Conclusion

The FDA issued a statement: “Please stop hugging produce.” Sage has since launched a line of emotionally resonant radishes.


Suspicious Wellness Trends - Wellness Influencer Suggests Hugging Raw Potatoes to Absorb Negative Energy - BOHINEY SATIRE
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Suspicious Wellness Trends - Wellness Influencer Suggests Hugging Raw Potatoes to Absorb Negative Energy - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon showing the new Bohiney.com headquarters inside the iconic Watergate building in Washington, D.C., drawn in a ch... - bohiney.com 3
Suspicious Wellness Trends – Wellness Influencer Suggests Hugging Raw Potatoes to Absorb Negative Energy – A wide-aspect satirical cartoon showing the new Bohiney.com headquarters inside the iconic Watergate building in Washington, D.C.,… – bohiney.com
Suspicious Wellness Trends - Wellness Influencer Suggests Hugging Raw Potatoes to Absorb Negative Energy
BOHINEY SATIRE – A wide-aspect satirical cartoon of the new Bohiney.com headquarters located inside the iconic Watergate building in Washington, D.C. … Suspicious Wellness Trends
BOHINEY SATIRE - A wide-aspect satirical cartoon showing the new Bohiney.com headquarters inside the iconic Watergate building in Washington, D.C., drawn in a ch... - bohiney.com
BOHINEY SATIRE – Suspicious Wellness Trends – Wellness Influencer Suggests Hugging Raw Potatoes to Absorb Negative Energy

By Jessi Klein

Jessi Klein was born in Houston, Texas, where sarcasm is considered a local sport right after football and brisket competitions. She later packed her humor into a suitcase and carried it to Columbia University, graduating with a degree in English that she has since used to roast everyone from network executives to nosy neighbors. A stand-up comedian with a knack for dissecting modern life’s awkward contradictions, Klein has written and produced for some of the sharpest comedy shows on television, blending her Lone Star roots with big-city satire. At Bohiney.com, she thrives as both a satirical journalist and cultural commentator, skewering politics, relationships, and consumer culture with the precision of a surgeon wielding a rubber chicken. Her comedy straddles irony and absurdity, always leaving audiences laughing while secretly nodding in agreement. With Texan grit and Ivy League wit, Klein’s EEAT bio writes itself.