Suspicious Wellness Trends
Starch Therapy
Viral wellness coach Sage Glimmer posted a video claiming raw potatoes “suck out trauma through root chakra osmosis,” sparking a spud shortage and a nationwide surge in fridge-based healing rituals.
The Practice
Followers were instructed to “whisper affirmations to the tuber” and sleep with it tucked under their pillow. Many woke up with mashed bedding and emotional starch stains.
Expert Commentary
Nutritionist Dr. Ida Ho says, “Potatoes are great–when cooked. Using them as trauma sponges? That’s just half-baked.”
Public Reaction
Glimmer now sells crystal-infused Yukon Golds for $49.99. Reviews are mixed, but potatoes have never felt more validated.
Conclusion
The FDA issued a statement: “Please stop hugging produce.” Sage has since launched a line of emotionally resonant radishes.