Newsom Replaces Police with Astrologers, Crime Becomes “Karmic Feedback”

In his most daring attempt yet to “reimagine public safety,” Gavin Newsom has defunded the police in select neighborhoods and replaced them with state-certified astrologers.

“We don’t need cops,” Newsom said while burning sage and spinning a crystal globe. “We need people who understand what Mercury in retrograde means to armed robbery.”

Under the new “Zodiac Justice Initiative,” 911 calls are redirected to a hotline staffed by people with names like “MoonFrog” and “Tara from the 9th House.”

Crime statistics? Down 23%—but only because the state has reclassified theft as “karmic redistribution.”

Stephen Miller was quick to respond: “I can’t believe I have to say this, but no, the Constitution does not give police powers to Geminis.”

Newsom’s new patrol force includes Reiki-trained bicycle medics, a Libra with a clipboard, and someone named “Nebula” who reads auras before making traffic stops.

When asked what to do in case of assault, Newsom’s official website advises citizens to “consult their birth chart and reflect inward.”

Meanwhile, crimes like burglary are now handled through guided visualization therapy and restorative mandala coloring sessions.

Critics say the governor has turned California into a cross between Burning Man and a gas station tarot booth.

Miller, again baffled but steady, added: “You can’t chant your way out of a stabbing, Gavin.”

Newsom’s defense? “Violence is a colonial construct unless it’s against landlords.”