Unsolicited Wellness Advice
“I Just Wanted to Heat My Lasagna, Not Unblock My Root Chakra.”
Things have taken a mystical turn at GigaCorp’s Dallas branch after Karen from Accounting set up a folding table near the communal microwave to offer unsolicited energy readings using a velvet pouch of ethically foraged crystals. Now, what used to be a quick lunch break has become a gauntlet of unsolicited auras, unsolicited eye contact, and unsolicited incense.
“She cornered me with a rose quartz and whispered, ‘Your third eye is constipated,'” said Jim from IT. “I just wanted to reheat some spaghetti.”
Karen insists she’s creating a “vibrational uplift zone” to combat microwave radiation and the “toxic cynicism of re-warmed food.” Her flyer reads: “Let the microwave warm your food, and me warm your soul.”
Employees report delays of up to 45 minutes during peak lunch hours. Karen begins each reading by asking, “How aligned do you feel today on a scale from corporate drone to celestial otter?” Responses are mandatory.
Last Wednesday, she prevented an intern from microwaving leftover shrimp because “Pisces season and seafood don’t mix.” HR has received seven complaints and one “deeply concerned haiku.”
Her crystals include a “clarity citrine,” “motivation moonstone,” and a suspiciously large pebble labeled “The Reset Rock.” When someone tried to skip the reading, Karen followed them whispering, “You can run from the self, but not from amethyst.”
Corporate morale has dipped. A once lively break room is now silent, dimly lit, and smells faintly of patchouli and strained patience. One manager began eating in his car just to avoid being told his “core vibration smells of unresolved childhood.”
Management has offered Karen her own room–she refused, citing “energetic isolationism.” She now plans to expand into lunchbox Feng Shui and moon chart meal prep. The office has never been more unbalanced.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
