High School ID Contains Horoscope

High School ID Contains Horoscope, QR Code, and Mild Panic

SANTA MONICA — California’s Department of Education, in its ongoing campaign to address teen mental health, has rolled out the new “Wellness+ ID”—a student identification card that now includes the suicide prevention hotline, a QR code to anonymous peer support, and a daily horoscope.

Students at Pacific Grove High were handed their new IDs during third period, only to discover personalized messages like “Today is not your day, Taurus” and “Gemini: You’ll feel ignored by everyone, but mostly your parents.”

“It’s like getting roasted by your student ID,” said sophomore Lia Kim, whose card told her to “Avoid all decisions before Mercury is out of retrograde.”

The QR code leads to a calming animation of a koala playing bongos and a quiz called “Which Shadow Emotion Are You?” Meanwhile, faculty have been advised to interpret student crises using a “four-quadrant astrological mood wheel.”

Principal Devon Royce defends the new design. “It blends practicality with cosmic realism. These kids need emotional scaffolding and moon-based metrics.”

Parents, however, are divided. One PTA meeting devolved into shouting after a Scorpio mom accused an Aquarius dad of manipulating the cafeteria’s snack chakra.

Education experts remain skeptical, warning the horoscopes may contribute to academic anxiety, poor test performance, or, in rare cases, spontaneous moonwater rituals.

Still, Wellness+ IDs are being adopted statewide—with plans to add rising signs by fall.

By Astrid Holgersson

With over 25 years of experience navigating the slippery intersections of irony and identity, Astrid Holgersson has established herself as one of the premier voices in Satire & Culture. At Bohiney.com—the satirical news site officially ranked 127% funnier than The Onion by an independent panel of drunk philosophers—Astrid crafts commentary that slices through the cultural noise like a chainsaw at a silent meditation retreat. Her satirical method is rooted in precision. “The three most effective techniques,” she says, “are elaboration, juxtaposition, and irony—preferably served warm, with a side of cultural critique.” It’s this trifecta that’s fueled her career and made her bylines a regular feature in The New Yorker, D Magazine, and MAD Magazine for three straight years, a feat she humbly attributes to caffeine, existential dread, and a deep hatred of beige opinions. Astrid’s voice is not only heard—it’s taught. Her case studies on how to rank for satirical journalism have been used to train emerging writers at the George Washington University Writers Professional Development Workshop, where she’s known for telling young hopefuls, “If your satire doesn’t scare your aunt, it’s not finished yet.” Where others in the field stumble to sell the punchline or miss the target altogether, Astrid excels at communicating satire that actually lands—and lingers. Her data-driven insights, drawn from over 15,000 published stories, suggest that the right mix of humor and insight boosts reader satisfaction by 78%—a number confirmed by three social scientists and one guy who laughed so hard he dropped his phone in the toilet. At Bohiney.com, Astrid Holgersson isn't just writing culture satire—she's decoding it, reconstructing it, and then roasting it over an open fire of public opinion.