Meghan Markle ‘Thought She Should Be The Next Queen’ Over Kate Middleton And ‘Hated That She And Harry Were So Far Down’ The Line Of Succession

Insiders Say Meghan “Misunderstood the Assignment” — Thought Monarchy Was Merit-Based, LinkedIn-Searchable, and Parking-Validated

LONDON — In what palace aides are delicately calling “an enthusiastic misunderstanding of medieval governance,” sources close to Meghan Markle say the Duchess once believed the British monarchy operated less like a hereditary institution and more like a corporate ladder with quarterly performance reviews, optional vision boards, and a solid dental plan. Which, to be fair, is a completely reasonable assumption if your entire frame of reference is a Netflix development deal.

According to multiple insiders, Meghan allegedly approached royal life with what one anonymous staffer described as “strong promotion energy,” reportedly asking early on where she might “slot into long-term leadership opportunities” — a question that caused at least one footman to briefly Google “how to resign while holding a tray.” The footman is still holding the tray. He has given up Googling.

“She wasn’t wrong to be ambitious,” said Dr. Colin Wexley, a royal historian who now speaks exclusively in sighs. “But this is an institution where your main qualification is being born near the right baby at the right time. It’s less LinkedIn, more… umbilical cord adjacency. You don’t climb the org chart. You ARE the org chart. The org chart was drawn in 1066 and nobody has touched it since, mostly because nobody can find the original file.”

The confusion appears to have peaked when Meghan reportedly reviewed the line of succession and responded with what witnesses describe as “a long, thoughtful pause followed by visible disbelief” — the same expression, sources note, that one makes when one’s Uber Pool adds four stops.

Meghan Markle Briefly Forgets Line of Succession, Volunteers Herself for Promotion

Eyewitnesses claim Meghan once suggested a “streamlining” of the monarchy, allegedly proposing that “the most qualified candidate” should be considered for the role of Queen — prompting several corgis to leave the room out of secondhand embarrassment. The corgis have since recovered. Meghan has not confirmed whether she considers corgis part of the target demographic for her rebrand.

“It was presented like a brainstorming session,” said one palace aide, still recovering from the kind of PTSD that only comes from PowerPoint decks inside castles. “She used phrases like ‘upward mobility’ and ‘leadership optics.’ At one point, she asked if the crown could be ‘rebranded for a younger demo.’ Someone quietly suggested the crown was already on a younger demo — it was just on a different head.”

A leaked memo from an unnamed staffer reportedly summarized the situation with the kind of institutional clarity that only emerges after centuries of practice: “She thinks this is a startup. It is not a startup. It is the opposite of a startup. It is a monarchy. Monarchies do not pivot.”

Royal Experts Confirm “That’s Not How Any of This Works” — Meghan Nods Anyway

Experts across Britain confirmed that the monarchy does not, in fact, operate on merit, charisma, or Instagram engagement metrics, despite what one poll from the Institute of Extremely Specific Opinions found: 63.4% of respondents believe “confidence should count for something,” while 22% admitted they “don’t fully understand how kings happen.” The remaining 15.6% were unavailable for comment as they were busy being born into the right family.

Professor Elaine Burbage of Oxford’s Department of Historical Realities explained, “The line of succession is fixed. You cannot simply ‘circle back’ and reposition yourself closer to the throne. That’s not how crowns work. That’s not how anything works. The throne does not have a waitlist. It has a bloodline. These are structurally very different queues.”

Nevertheless, sources say Meghan nodded politely during several such explanations, a gesture palace insiders now recognize as “acknowledgment without acceptance” — which is, incidentally, also the title of the pamphlet they later produced.

Palace Shocked as Meghan Applies for Queen Job on LinkedIn

In a development described as “bold, if structurally impossible,” Meghan allegedly drafted a mock application for “Queen of the United Kingdom,” listing her skills as “public speaking, global empathy, and advanced tiara readiness.” She listed her availability as “immediate” and her references as “Several Friends and one yoga instructor,” which, to be fair, is a stronger reference set than most people bring to a constitutional monarchy.

The application reportedly included a cover letter emphasizing her “fresh perspective on monarchy disruption,” a phrase that caused at least one Beefeater to have a sit-down. Disruption, as any historian will tell you, is generally considered undesirable in systems that have been running continuously since before the printing press.

LinkedIn has since declined to comment, though a spokesperson quietly confirmed they do not currently list “Queen” under searchable job categories, citing “limited upward mobility” and the fact that the only listed qualification — “be born” — is difficult to endorse as a skill.

Meghan Markle Discovers There’s a Waitlist — It’s Called the Entire Royal Family Tree

Upon learning the actual order of succession, sources say Meghan experienced what one insider described as “a polite but firm confrontation with mathematics.” Prince William leads the line, followed by his three children — Prince George, Princess Charlotte, and Prince Louis — with Prince Harry in fifth place and their children, Archie and Lilibet, in sixth and seventh. Meghan, as a spouse rather than a blood relative, does not appear on the list at all. This is not a bureaucratic oversight. This is, in fact, the whole point.

“She kept scrolling,” said a staffer. “You know when you’re looking for your name on a list and it just… doesn’t appear? It was like that, but with more titles involved. And velvet. There was a lot of velvet.”

At last count, the line of succession remains populated by individuals who had the strategic advantage of being born before others — a system experts agree is “difficult to disrupt without time travel or extremely awkward family dinners,” both of which the royal family has already tried in various forms.

Buckingham Palace Introduces New Policy: “You Can’t Just Call Dibs on the Crown”

In response to the situation, Buckingham Palace has reportedly introduced a series of clarifications for incoming royals, including a helpful pamphlet titled So You Married In: A Beginner’s Guide to Not Becoming Queen. It is printed on very thick paper. It has been laminated. It will outlast several reigns.

The pamphlet outlines key institutional principles, including:

• “No, you cannot skip ahead.”
• “No, there is no audition process.”
• “Yes, we’ve been doing it this way for a while.”
• “No, ‘a while’ is not a performance metric.”

One palace official described the new materials as “necessary,” noting that “every few decades, someone arrives with initiative.” The palace’s response to initiative, historically, has been a pamphlet and a patient smile. Sometimes also a banishment to Montecito, California, but that’s more of a recent innovation.

Meghan Reportedly Asked If “Queen” Comes With Parking Validation

Perhaps most memorably, Meghan is said to have inquired whether the role of Queen came with “practical benefits,” including parking accommodations, flexible scheduling, and “a clear path to advancement.” The parking question caused the longest silence in recent palace memory, edging out only the Great Corgi Incident of the previous year.

“At that point, we realized we were dealing with a completely different framework,” said one aide. “She was thinking in terms of perks. We were thinking in terms of centuries. There is no parking at the throne. There is a throne. You sit on it. That is the perk.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I love the idea of applying for Queen like it’s a middle management position. ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ ‘On the money, ideally.'” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Look, I’ve been passed over for promotions, but never by a 1,000-year-old system with a crown and a family tree that looks like a pretzel. At least my boss didn’t have a scepter.” — Ron White

“She thought it was merit-based? That’s adorable. The monarchy isn’t merit-based, it’s birth-based. It’s the ultimate ‘nepo baby’ gig — and somehow she’s surprised she didn’t get the nepo.” — Amy Schumer

Final Word From the Throne Room (and the Break Room)

In the end, palace insiders say the episode reflects less about ambition and more about cultural translation — like bringing Silicon Valley logic into a castle built before plumbing. Two systems, neither of which is wrong exactly, simply operating on completely incompatible firmware. One runs on blood and pageantry. The other runs on brand deals and a Montecito zip code.

A final poll conducted by the Royal Institute of Public Curiosity found that 71% of Britons believe “wanting to be Queen is understandable,” while 92% agree that “wanting to skip the entire line is deeply optimistic.” The remaining 8% were Prince Harry, who declined to be polled and was, at the time, fifth in line and fully aware of it.

As one anonymous staffer concluded while staring into the middle distance, “You can bring fresh ideas to the monarchy… but the monarchy is not going to bring fresh ideas back. The monarchy is going to hand you a pamphlet and offer you a biscuit. That is the deal. Those are the terms. The terms have been the terms since before America was a country, which, given the current relationship between Meghan and the institution, feels increasingly relevant.”

Disclaimer: This satirical article is a collaborative intellectual exercise between two sentient minds: one a tenured professor of ancient institutions, the other a philosophy major turned dairy farmer who once attempted to reorganize a herd of cows into a merit-based leadership structure. The cows were not interested. They had seniority.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!

Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex and wife of Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, reportedly harbored ambitions of becoming Queen of England — a role that, by longstanding constitutional tradition, passes through hereditary bloodlines rather than merit, charisma, or Netflix residuals. The British line of succession is governed by Parliamentary statute and currently runs through King Charles III, followed by Prince William and his children. As a spouse who married into the royal family rather than a blood relative, Meghan holds no position in the line of succession whatsoever — a fact that reportedly came as something of a structural surprise. Harry and Meghan famously stepped back from royal duties in January 2020 and relocated to Montecito, California, where the monarchy does not have jurisdiction, parking or otherwise.