TRUMP IS NOT A KING—AND NEITHER ARE YOU, LINDA: A Nation Screams into a Latte
By America’s Last Non-Doomscrolled Journalist
Published by SpinTaxi, where monarchy is just a sex role in San Francisco
Every morning across Brooklyn, a million progressive mouths whisper the sacred mantra, “Trump is not a king,” before opening Instagram to post a picture of a foam leaf in their $9 oat milk latte. Meanwhile, at UC Berkeley, a professor in “Post-Colonial Interpretive Yoga” opens her lecture by sighing, “We do not bow to orange fascists,” while her third husband, Todd, practices transcendental gluten-banning at home.
Let’s get one thing clear: Trump is not a king. And also—nobody thought he was. Except, apparently, every single Resistance podcast host with a Harry Potter reference tattoo.
The “Not My King” Movement: A Parade of Slogan Scarves and Anxiety Diagnoses
There’s an entire segment of the left that thinks democracy lives and dies based on whether Trump thinks he’s Louis XIV or just a guy who accidentally spray-tanned himself into a cult.
Protesters now arrive to every demonstration wearing T-shirts that read “NO THRONE FOR THE CHEETO” while holding signs that say “We Overthrew One King in 1776. We Can Do It Again (If Starbucks Has a Drive-Thru).”
A CNN analyst recently called Trump “a monarch in disguise,” as if he was smuggling divine right into the State of the Union inside his gut. But here’s the real story: Trump can’t even organize a lunch without someone flipping. His assistant flipped. His body man flipped. His ex-wife flipped—literally, in a golf cart.
Imaginary Monarchy: When You LARP the Fall of Rome in Your Apartment
The Left has become addicted to fantasy monarchy cosplay. Everything Trump does is interpreted through the lens of Game of Thrones. Executive order? “It’s a royal decree.” Rally? “It’s a coronation.” Third indictment? “Proof that the crown is made of subpoenas.”
In one Brooklyn bookstore, a section titled Tyrants & Trauma features “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump,” “How to Survive a Despot,” and a children’s picture book called “Little Donnie Tries to Seize the Senate.”
There are also YouTube channels that edit his rallies with Vikings music in the background, followed by long videos explaining how “we’re in the early stages of dictatorship,” based entirely on the fact that Trump once called someone a “dog” on Twitter.
Expert Warning: “He’s Just a Guy with a Fan Base and a Legal Tab”
We spoke with political scientist Dr. Eliza Ramshank, whose latest book, Despot Daddy: How Authoritarianism Sounds in a New Jersey Accent, claims Trump is “98% vibes, 2% policy.”
“People keep yelling ‘He’s not a king!’ like he has a scepter. Trump’s only scepter is a selfie stick,” said Ramshank. “He doesn’t rule over America—he barely rules over dinner reservations.”
Indeed, Trump is a man whose idea of war strategy is Truth Social threats followed by all-you-can-eat shrimp cocktail. If he’s a monarch, then QAnon is the royal guard, and Marjorie Taylor Greene is the jester who forgot she’s in costume.
But the Left Demands a Crown—So They Can Burn It
The phrase “Trump is not a king” is less a political critique and more a religious chant performed before brunch. And like all good cult chants, it means the opposite of what it says.
“We fear a dictator,” said progressive influencer Sage Evergreen (@WokeAndFlammable). “So we have to pretend he already is one—just in case.”
You see, if Trump is just a guy who yells and loses elections, then the people yelling at him lose their sense of moral grandeur. You can’t be the Resistance if the Empire’s dead and living in Florida. So instead of letting him fade, they re-inflate him as a Caesar so they can cosplay revolution over cocktails.
Evidence He’s Not a King (But Please, Keep Pretending)
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No Royal Succession: Eric and Don Jr. couldn’t inherit a lemonade stand without HR violations.
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No Palace Intrigue: Mar-a-Lago leaks more than a colander in a CIA sauna.
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No Loyalty: Half his cabinet wrote memoirs titled “I Tried to Warn You.”
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No Lawsuits Against Comedians: If Trump were a real king, Alec Baldwin would’ve been hanged in 2017.
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No Magical Powers: Unless you count making people cry on MSNBC.
Even actual kings—like Charles III—have more modest inauguration outfits. Trump wore a red tie long enough to trip over on an escalator.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Trump’s not a king. Kings get parades. Trump gets arraigned.” —Ron White
“You know he’s not royalty—he actually pays for women to like him.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“If he’s a king, then his horse is a golf cart with ‘MAGA’ spray paint.” —Sarah Silverman
“We’re not in a monarchy. If we were, CNN would’ve been shut down by now, not just ignored.” —Bill Burr
“He can’t even make Mike Pence follow him. How’s he gonna make a nation bow?” —Larry David
The Royal Court of MSNBC
Cable news, still mourning Hillary’s coronation, now spins every Trump story with medieval gravitas. Rachel Maddow once said, “He seeks unchecked power,” while a graphic showed him golfing with “Authoritarian Slide: Day 823” stamped over it.
It’s gotten so bad, one D.C. think tank launched a seminar titled “Modern Kingship and the Death of the Senate,” hosted by a man who thinks the filibuster is a magical incantation. This was followed by a wine and cheese mixer with the subtitle: “Bring Your Own Guillotine.”
Twitter Threads with Revolutionary Vibes
The “Trump is not a king” crowd thrives on Twitter, where every Trump news drop is met with:
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“This is fascism, plain and simple.”
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“History will not be kind to this king.”
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“We are the peasants, and I’m proud to plow!”
These same people then log off and go to Trader Joe’s, muttering to themselves about the fall of the republic while buying gluten-free fig snacks.
One user even posted: “We must dethrone this tyrant before it’s too late.” His profile picture? A golden retriever wearing a Beto O’Rourke T-shirt.
Trump’s Reign: A Timeline of Failed Royal Acts
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2017: Tried to repeal Obamacare. Failed.
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2018: Shut down the government over a wall. Still no wall.
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2020: Lost the election. Denied it. Still lost.
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2021: Banned from Twitter. Not very kingly.
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2023: Launched NFTs. Real kings don’t sell clipart of themselves in capes.
If this is monarchy, it’s monarchy run out of a strip mall.
What’s Really Behind the Slogan?
The Left needs Trump to be a king because it justifies their royal behavior. Think about it: they don’t want to debate—they want to depose. They don’t want to vote—they want to exile. Every time someone disagrees, it’s not disagreement—it’s “fascist encroachment.”
“Trump’s threat level must remain at ‘looming doom,’ or else brunch becomes awkward,” noted pundit Malika Sporns of The Espresso Resistance Review.
That’s the secret—Trump isn’t a king, but for liberals, he’s a cosplay villain that makes them feel like the protagonists of history.
If Trump’s a Monarch, Where’s His Nobility?
His most loyal subjects are conspiracy guys with liver spots and “Don’t Tread on Me” tramp stamps. His royal advisors? Diamond and Silk. His foreign policy? Whatever Putin was tweeting that day. The man knighted Kanye. KNIGHTED KANYE.
Let’s be clear: Trump is not a king. He’s a Florida uncle with 5G paranoia and a loyalty punch card at Arby’s.
But don’t tell that to anyone who owns a “Nevertheless, She Persisted” coffee mug. They’ll say you are enabling tyranny because you didn’t use the word “authoritarian” in a sentence today.
The Resistance Crowned Him, So They Could Slay Him
The truth is painfully simple: Trump is not a monarch. He’s a former president who refuses to leave the group chat. But the Left won’t stop screaming about his non-existent throne because they built the castle for him—and now they need to feel heroic breaking down the walls.
Like toddlers pretending the couch is lava, they’ve crafted a fantasy where everything Trump does is treason—and everything they do is a moral crusade. Even when it’s posting TikToks about the Constitution from a Whole Foods parking lot.
Final Word from the Royal Therapist
We sat down with Dr. Kevin Shanks, a licensed political trauma counselor in Portland who runs a support group called “Democracy Is Still Alive (Probably).” He told us:
“It’s common for people to inflate enemies during moments of collective anxiety. But let’s be real—if Trump is a king, I’m the Queen of Denmark.”
He then offered free coloring books to anyone still calling Trump “His Orange Highness” in June 2025.
Disclaimer:
This satire is the result of a completely human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual royalty, revolutions, or resistance influencers is purely the result of Wi-Fi poisoning and too much MSNBC. Long live common sense.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.