VIP treatment includes uninvited missile strike and dubious enemy combatant honor
If you ever dreamed of being noticed by the U.S. government, congratulations your chance is here. Simply appear on a mysterious “target list,” and you might get the full VIP treatment: an uninvited missile strike, a splashy photo op, and the dubious honor of being called “enemy combatant.”
Survivors, if any, report a strange mix of confusion, disbelief, and mild irritation. “I just wanted to deliver tacos,” said one anonymous mariner. “Next thing I know, there’s a missile heading for me. Totally unnecessary.”
Military Justification and Statistical Claims
Military spokespeople argue that the program is “effective and necessary,” citing statistics that show 100% of targeted boats had suspicious cargo. Unfortunately, critics point out that “suspicious” could also mean “wearing sunglasses after 5 p.m.”
The Department of Defense insists their targeting criteria are “robust and data-driven,” though they’ve declined to share the actual criteria, the data, or really any information that might help people avoid being on the list.
Political Satire Response
Political satire blogs have been ablaze with comments. One wrote: “We’re at the point where if you row a kayak at the wrong time, congratulations instant war criminal!”
International Law Questions
International law experts have questioned whether the strikes comply with United Nations conventions on armed conflict, suggesting that “maybe we should check if this is legal before we keep doing it.”
The State Department responded that they’re “reviewing the legal framework” while continuing the strikes, which is the diplomatic equivalent of “we’ll ask for permission after we’re done.”
As Kevin Hart said about government efficiency, “They’ll spend years studying a problem and then solve it in five seconds with a missile. That’s not a plan, that’s anger management.”