Twelve-question quiz on laminated cardstock determines life or death for smugglers
A new investigative report claims the ill-fated boat strike occurred only after the vessel’s operators failed a routine safety course titled “How Not To Be On the Target List.”
The course, a 12-question quiz printed on laminated cardstock, reportedly includes helpful tips like “Avoid suspicious coordinates,” “Do not smuggle 400 kilos of cocaine,” and “Please don’t look exactly like every stereotypical narco boat in U.S. intelligence training videos.”
Historic Low Test Scores
Intelligence officials said the operators scored “historically low,” partly because they answered every question with “bro I don’t read English.”
Instructors defended the exam as “straightforward,” noting that the answer to Question 7 (“Should you flee U.S. surveillance aircraft?”) was literally “no.”
The Pentagon insisted the system is fair. “We give everyone a chance,” said Lt. Mark Strasburg. “We educate, we warn, we hand out the pamphlets. But if someone refuses to stop being on the list… our options shrink.”
Rights Groups Demand Reform
Rights groups were unimpressed, with one activist saying, “A laminated quiz is not a legal standard for lethal force.” The Pentagon replied, “Fine, we’ll laminate it thicker.”
When asked why the operators were struck even after abandoning ship, officials explained that “the quiz clearly states that attempting to leave your vessel after failing is not an acceptable workaround.”
Academic Criticism Mounts
Foreign policy experts compared this to “detaining someone forever because they failed their SAT.”
Legal scholars at Harvard Law School called the policy “a dystopian vision of due process,” while military officials insisted the laminated quiz represents “progress in transparency.”
As Dave Chappelle said about bureaucratic absurdity, “They’ll create a test that’s impossible to pass and then punish you for failing it. That’s not justice, that’s a setup.”