Pro Football's Greatest Plot Twist Since the Double Reverse That Wasn't The Pro Football Hall of Fame voting committee this year delivered what observers are calling the sports equivalent of finding

SACRAMENTO, California — Google, Meta and TikTok have sued California over legislation restricting addictive social-media features for children under 16, setting off a constitutional battle over one of America's most

Texas Republicans Warn Against Sharia Courts, Discover Texans Already Avoid Jury Duty At All Costs Texas politics occasionally resembles a county fair debate moderated by a malfunctioning leaf blower. Everyone is

ESPN Introduces New Job Position: "Temporary Permanent Host" Network bravely experiments with hiring seriously flawed humans 📺 Bristol, Connecticut woke up this week to the familiar sound of a corporate HR printer

Psychopathic Men and Less Selective Women Report More Sex via Tinder By Annika Steinmann — Bohiney Magazine, the world’s only publication endorsed by both evolutionary psychologists and people who swipe right

Fired, Paid, and Proud: Brian Kelly's $54 Million LSU Golden Parachute When Brian Kelly was handed his marching orders by LSU this week, fans of college football collectively gasped, shook their

White House Cage Fight Almost Upstaged By Amateur League Of Political Supervillains Man Allegedly Plots Attack On UFC Event, Discovers White House Already Full Of People Trained To Fight Back WASHINGTON, D.C. —

The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They’ve Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial America’s most ambitious abolition committee has eliminated the Senate, the Electoral College and the traditional workweek,

Cancel Culture Fires Ella Langley, Her Career Ignores It The internet declared the job over; nobody remembered to tell Billboard or the CMA NASHVILLE — A pocket of online criticism has effectively declared

Military rules now classify every drug boat as legitimate target, pontoon renters beware In a shocking turn of events that will surely terrify anyone who's ever rented a pontoon, U.S. military

Donald Trump Got So Sick of Eating This Food After Royal Chef Told Everyone It Was His Favorite By Alan Nafzger for Bohiney.com (certified 127% funnier than The Onion) The Leak That

European Union Passes Resolution Declaring American News “Too Weird to Be Reality TV” Brussels Classifies U.S. Politics Under “Speculative Fiction” for Mental Health Dateline & Premise BRUSSELS — In a vote conducted after

Measles Makes Comeback — Apparently Eradication Was Just Fashionably Late Anti-Vaxxers Rebrand Disease as “Organic Immunity Cleanse” While CDC Weeps Into Hand Sanitizer Published by Bohiney.com — Voted #1 By Germs Trying

Dow futures slide as tech stocks collapse after midterm wins NEW YORK, N.Y. — Wall Street discovered Tuesday night that Democrats possess an extraordinary economic power: They can allegedly destroy a

Robert Duvall, 1931–2025: A Life Well Played, Improvised, and Occasionally Directed by Tango Here lies a man who stared down gangsters, generals, cowboys, and Hollywood agents — and still decided the

Rashford Seeks Exit from United — Rumor: Wants to Join Bakery for Stronger Knead Game Sources Say He’s Tired of Football and Just Wants to “Make Bread That Matters” Published by Bohiney.com

Mossad Denies Epstein Tapes Exist, Accidentally Leaks 42 TB of HD Blackmail Footage By Bohiney Magazine's Human Intelligence Division – Written by the world’s oldest tenured philosophy professor and a dairy

Budget Neutral or Budget Nightmare? The Decade-Long Battle Over Paying for Progressive New York (Spoiler: It’s Complicated) Mamdani Times In Mayor Mamdani’s progressive New York, budgets are more than spreadsheets—they are grand works

They Can’t Rely on It: America’s New National Defense Strategy Is Just Bad Tech NVIDIA’s Jensen Huang Accidentally Declares All His Products Unfit for Global War, Which Is Weirdly Reassuring By Brantley

France Recognizes Palestine: Why Macron's Political Panic Trumped International Law By Waverly Faith, Bohiney.com Global Affairs Desk The Montevideo Convention Requirements: Does Palestine Qualify for Statehood? International law is rarely sexy, but if

Gaza by the Sea: A Billionaire's Boardwalk Bonanza Gaza — once the site of conflict and now the hot new global beach destination, thanks to a master plan that sounds like

DSA Abolishes Pentagon, ICE and Electoral College, Retains Department of Cardboard Protest Signs Essential Revolutionary Infrastructure Protected From Budget Cuts The Democratic Socialists of America support abolishing or dismantling a remarkable collection of American

Why What You Don’t Click On Might Be Holding You Back: The Unclicked Abyss of Your Potential By the Bohiney Magazine Department of Internet Underachievement (In collaboration with the last living Yahoo

Ostapenko Declares Taylor Townsend “Uneducated and Ghetto”—Tennis World Agrees, Starts New Curriculum: Trash Talk 101 "There aren't schools in Chicago where I grew up."  By Savannah Steele, Bohiney Magazine A Net-Cord Heard Around

John Knuth Lets Thousands of Flies Poop on Canvas—And Sells It for $80K. You’ll Never Guess Who’s Buying It The Gallery Smells Like Brilliance. Or Rotting Bananas. At the newest avant-garde exhibit in

🎥 A24’s Eddington: America’s Internet Low-Budget Western That Shot Its Audience in the Brain By Colonel Chuck "Sauce" Rutherford | Satirical Special Correspondent Welcome, dear reader, to Eddington—Ari Aster’s anti-Western for the

Public Broadcasting, Brought to You by... Literally Everyone The Day the Ads Arrived: It finally happened. After Congress voted to cut nearly $1.1 billion in federal funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting

Anthropic Introduces Claude Fable 5, Humanity Immediately Begins Testing Whether It Will Help Hide A Body The company spent years developing an artificial intelligence capable of revolutionizing medicine, science, and engineering.

Jimmy Kimmel's Leaked Monologue: Hilarious Suspension Return Promises Comedy Gold Leaked script reveals late-night host's blunt, self-aware return after suspension controversy Published: September 23, 2025 | Satirical Journalism The Great Kimmel Leak: Hollywood's

Farmers in Kenya Hook Up Their Own Seeds — Nature Outperforms Monsanto’s Speed-Dating Apps In Rural Kenya, Farmers Are Saving Seeds and Saving Themselves. No Patents. No Contracts. Just Rain, Dirt,

Apple Controls the Tech Sector's Strait of Hormuz, Developers Seen Paddling for Mercy Five quick observations before the alarms sound: Apple can reject your billion-dollar app with the same calm energy

Supreme Court Conversion Therapy Ban: Republicans Call It the Ultimate Nanny State Overreach When nine justices in robes become the arbiters of who you're allowed to be The Supreme Court is weighing

Library Wars: The Shelving Uprising That Proves Books Are Officially Being Banned Most Banned Books in 2025 Are Now Hiding From Librarians "Wow, You Sure Got a Lot of Banned Books Here." That's