No Kings, Just Clowns: America’s Left-Wing Protesters Stage a Kingdom of Irony
On June 14th, in what may be the most performatively woke exercise since Greta Thunberg spoke in interpretive jazz, leftists in over 1,800 cities participated in the “No Kings” protest. Ostensibly a rejection of authoritarianism, it was mostly an excuse for overeducated malcontents to yell at pigeons while dressed like socialist druids.
With chants like “No Kings! No Crowns! No Patriarchy in This Town!” echoing through suburban Panera Bread parking lots, the protest revealed more about its participants than their intended target. Namely, that they’re deeply confused, spiritually fragile, and very serious about politics as long as it doesn’t interfere with brunch.
The left may say they don’t want a king, but you’ve never seen a group so desperate for one. Bernie Sanders, Barack Obama, AOC — they don’t want representatives. They want mythic figures to anoint them emotionally while redistributing Trader Joe’s hummus. You don’t join a “No Kings” march because you hate royalty. You join because you miss being cast as lead in your high school musical and need the validation of a flash mob.
In Los Angeles, the protest was co-hosted by a collective called “Glitter Against Guns,” who led the march in sequined cloaks and carried signs that said “I Dissent Therefore I Am.” In New York, the protest stopped every 12 minutes for collective meditation and zine distribution. In Austin, the parade was led by a goat in protest robes named Karl Barx.
If you’re wondering how they organized this many protests, it’s simple: Google Docs, group chats, and an unshakable belief that hierarchy is evil — except when it comes to deciding who holds the talking stick. One leader insisted the protest had “no structure,” right before handing out a 47-page decolonial marching guide co-written by three sociology professors and a sentient algorithm.
Ironically, Trump’s actual military parade — the thing they were supposedly protesting — happened without a hitch. Tanks rolled. Flags waved. Tourists clapped. Meanwhile, the “No Kings” crowd was still trying to resolve who got to speak next based on a rotating system of trauma points and menstrual syncing.
The protest’s official website lists its mission as “dismantling crown logic in everyday systems of oppression.” Which sounds noble until you realize it mostly means shouting “You’re a serf!” at anyone who wears a necktie.
Their slogans ranged from clever to unhinged. “No Kings, No Cops, No Cronuts.” “Deplatform the Throne.” “Democracy Not Dynasty.” And my personal favorite: “If the Crown Fits, Yeet It.” This is the energy of a revolution sponsored by Etsy.
In Portland, one splinter faction tried to establish a “nonhierarchical protest pod,” only to dissolve after arguing about whether wearing deodorant was a form of colonialism. In Berkeley, a protestor wearing a T-shirt that read “Smash the Patriarchy” was seen sobbing because their kombucha was “colonizing [their] gut biome.”
They say they want freedom. But what they really want is to abolish all systems except the ones where they’re in charge — as long as those systems come with snack breaks, an Instagram filter, and a Spotify playlist titled “Treason Vibes.”
At the end of the day, the “No Kings” protest didn’t stop authoritarianism. But it did prove that the left is still the reigning monarch of self-owning absurdity.
Long live the irony.