Swearing-In Ceremony or Just Swearing?

Trump Kicks Off Presidency With Foul-Mouthed Rant as Socialists Shiver Outside

A Grand Inauguration, Brought to You by Gold and Grievances

By Ima Laffin, Senior Political Satirist

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s capital witnessed a historic moment as Donald J. Trump was sworn in—both in the official sense and in the “shouting obscenities at political enemies” sense—marking his return to the presidency with a performance that left the Marine Band clutching their instruments in horror.

Trump’s first official act? A 15-minute profanity-laced rant targeting “socialist losers,” the “Fake News media,” and the “disgraceful people who call themselves ‘fact-checkers.’” Eyewitnesses reported that the speech contained enough expletives to make Quentin Tarantino blush.

“Trump’s inauguration was historic—first time a president was sworn in and started swearing at the same time.” — Jimmy Fallon

The two brave socialists who somehow snuck into the ceremony were the unintended stars of the day, sitting stiffly as Trump called them out mid-speech:

“Look at these two radical leftists! Sad! They tried to stop me, and now they have to sit there and watch greatness happen!”

As Trump took his oath on a gold-trimmed Bible, reporters noticed the gilded edges weren’t just decorative—they included handwritten notes about “executive orders I plan to sign immediately,” which mostly involved tax breaks for golf courses.

“Trump’s inaugural Bible was gold-trimmed. I assume it also had a built-in mirror so he could admire himself between verses.” — Trevor Noah

Meanwhile, the other Marxist who didn’t make it inside stood outside in the cold, staring at the Jumbotron in confusion. He later told reporters, “I thought the government was supposed to take care of the people?!” as Trump’s chauffeured golf cart sped by.

Was is a Swearing-In Ceremony or Just Swearing?

“To all those socialist losers out there, we’re coming for you! No more free rides, you freeloading bastards!”

“The fake news media is full of shit! They lie, they cheat, they steal. We’re not gonna take it anymore!”

“Nancy Pelosi? That nasty woman is a total disaster. Can’t believe she still shows her face around here.”

“Bernie Sanders, that washed-up hippie, needs to get a real job. Enough of his crap!”

“We’re gonna bomb the shit out of ISIS. They won’t know what hit them!”

“China’s been screwing us for years. Well, guess what? The bullshit stops now!”

“These so-called environmental regulations are total bullshit. We’re gonna bring back coal, big time!”

“The Democrats have done nothing but obstruct. It’s time to kick their asses out of office!”

“We’re building the wall, and Mexico is gonna pay for it, whether they like it or not. No more bullshit!”

“To all the haters and losers, you can kiss my ass. We’re making America great again!”

Marxists Protesting Outside Were No Angels

The irony could not be more poetic—inside the grand, heated halls of the U.S. Capitol, where gilded chandeliers glow warmly, capitalists sip fine coffee and shake hands over policies that ensure their continued dominance. Meanwhile, outside in the freezing wind, self-proclaimed Marxists, wrapped in scarves knitted by the proletariat, shiver in protest. The very system they condemn has provided warmth, luxury, and protection to its ruling class, while those advocating for the workers’ revolution are left to battle frostbite.

It’s almost too perfect: the architects of capitalism stay snug indoors, crafting laws that uphold their supremacy, while the revolutionaries struggle to keep their toes from falling off. If Karl Marx himself were present, he might chuckle between chattering teeth, acknowledging that history does, in fact, repeat itself—first as tragedy, then as farce. The great socialist uprising, it seems, has been postponed due to extreme weather conditions.

“Ah yes, the bourgeoisie huddle inside the Capitol, sipping hot cocoa, while we proletarians freeze our g__d___ asses off. Seems about right.” — Angela Davis
“Nothing says ‘workers of the world unite’ like standing in subzero temperatures while the billionaire class gives a victory lap speech indoors.” — Cornel West
“They built a whole f**ing Rotunda so they wouldn’t have to experience the weather like the rest of us. Incredible.”* — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
“I’d seize the means of heat production, but those capitalist pigs hoarded all the damn space heaters inside.” — Kshama Sawant
“How fitting—Trump gets sworn in by the ruling class while we freeze our f**ing toes off in the streets. Dialectical materialism at work.”* — Noam Chomsky
“Comrades, let us observe the hypocrisy of capitalism: the ruling elite shivering inside their $5,000 coats while we develop frostbite for free.” — Rashida Tlaib
“The state exists to serve the ruling class, and apparently, so does central heating.” — Danny K. Davis
“Comrade Engels did not write Das Kapital for me to be standing out here like a broke-ass peasant while these f**ing parasites sit inside a marble palace.”* — Jamaal Bowman
“Trump’s indoor inauguration is proof that the bourgeoisie fears the elements just as much as they fear revolution.” — Bernie Sanders
“F** it, I’ll say it—if Lenin were here, he’d be throwing Molotov cocktails at the damn HVAC system just so they could feel our pain.”* — Julia Salazar
“It’s funny how there’s always room inside for bankers, lobbyists, and oil executives, but the moment a socialist wants a seat, suddenly there’s a fire code violation.” — Angela Davis
“If we stormed the building for warmth, they’d call it an insurrection. But when the rich barricade themselves indoors, it’s called ‘democracy.’” — Cornel West
“You know what’s revolutionary? Not f**ing freezing to death while the ruling class debates how much more they can exploit us.”* — Kshama Sawant
“Marx warned us about alienation, but he forgot to mention how alienating it is to watch those rich f**s sipping champagne indoors while my balls turn into ice cubes outside.”* — Jamaal Bowman
“If history teaches us anything, it’s that when the ruling class builds a big fancy palace to keep the cold out, it’s only a matter of time before we set the damn thing on fire.” — Rashida Tlaib

The Fox News Ordination: When Media Becomes the Church

In a break from tradition, Trump refused to be sworn in by a Supreme Court Justice. Instead, he insisted that a Fox News anchor officiate the ceremony. Wearing ceremonial robes embroidered with MAGA 2024, Sean Hannity proudly stepped forward to administer the oath.

All went smoothly until Hannity accidentally referred to Trump as “King Trump” instead of “Mr. President.” Gasps filled the room. Steve Bannon, watching from the VIP section, smiled knowingly.

“Fox News officiated Trump’s swearing-in, which makes sense. I mean, they’ve been preparing for this moment since 2016.” — John Oliver

Meanwhile, the Marine Corps Band hurriedly switched from “Hail to the Chief” to “God Save the King” before a frantic aide ran up to correct them.

The Parade Route: From the Oval Office to the Kitchen

One of the most anticipated events of any inauguration is the presidential parade. But in a first for American history, Trump opted for an indoor parade to “protect myself from fake weather reports.”

The “parade” consisted of a fleet of golf carts, each carrying a different member of his family. Each Trump held a framed tweet commemorating his greatest achievements, including:

Eric Trump’s cart carried a framed “Hillary’s Emails” tweet from 2016.
Ivanka’s featured “Best Jobs President, Believe Me!”
Don Jr.’s was a printout of every time he trended on Twitter for the wrong reasons.

“The indoor parade was weird—half the cars were just gold golf carts with MAGA stickers. At one point, I swear, a Mar-a-Lago valet accidentally drove through.” — Seth Meyers

Melania’s Unwavering Excitement (Or Total Lack Thereof)

Throughout the inauguration, Melania Trump maintained her trademark expression of enthusiasm—which, for the unfamiliar, is completely blank. When Trump proudly declared, “And let me tell you, folks, my wife is THRILLED to be here!” cameras caught zero movement on her face.

“Melania looked thrilled. By ‘thrilled,’ I mean she blinked twice, which is legally considered a cry for help.” — Tina Fey

Body language experts later debated whether her two slow blinks were part of a coded message to the Secret Service or simply her trying to disassociate.

Biden’s Surprise Cameo: ‘Malarkey!’

In what many mistook for a sketch from SNL, Joe Biden crashed the event on a mobility scooter. As security rushed toward him, he yelled:

“Malarkey! You gotta let me in—I’m the sitting president!”

Unfortunately for Biden, he had already been removed from office five hours earlier. His scooter was later found outside a Denny’s, where he was reportedly seen arguing over a menu item.

Trump’s First Executive Order: Banning Socialism (Unless It Helps Him)

Within minutes of taking office, Trump signed his first executive order. The content?

Ban socialism.
Remove all mentions of Karl Marx from public libraries.
Increase subsidies for Trump-branded properties.

“Trump’s first executive order was banning socialism. Bold move, considering his biggest supporters live on Social Security and Medicare.” — George Carlin

Ironically, the order also increased corporate bailouts and expanded tax breaks for billionaires. When pressed on the contradiction, Trump responded:

“That’s not socialism, that’s just smart business!”

The Forgotten Socialist Outside: Cold, Alone, and Learning a Lesson

While the two socialists inside the inauguration got to experience the Trump Show firsthand, the other unfortunate Marxist who didn’t get in was left outside, freezing in the cold.

As he watched the event from a Jumbotron, his discomfort was compounded when the screen suddenly switched to a Fox News special titled “Why Socialism Always Fails.”

“One Marxist was stuck outside in the cold, watching from a Jumbotron. He finally understood capitalism—you don’t get VIP access unless you pay for it.” — Dave Chappelle

The Speech: A 40-Minute List of Trump’s Greatest Moments

Trump’s inaugural speech was, unsurprisingly, a self-written highlight reel of his greatest moments. He spent 40 minutes reading his own tweets out loud, pausing only to let the crowd chant “USA! USA!” between paragraphs.

“Trump’s inaugural speech was 40 minutes of him reading his own tweets out loud. ‘Sir, do you swear to uphold the Constitution?’ ‘I swear this is the most perfect inauguration, everyone says so!’” — Chris Rock

Among the historic achievements he listed:

His golf handicap (which he claims is the best in presidential history).
His ability to “never lose an election,” except for, well… that one time.
The time he tweeted “Covfefe” and made it a cultural phenomenon.

New Announcement: Every Day is Inauguration Day Now

As the ceremony wrapped up, Trump made one last announcement:

“I’ve decided that every day is now Inauguration Day! That way, I never have to leave office!”

With that, he hopped into his gold-trimmed golf cart, waved to his two socialist guests (now visibly trembling), and rode off into the White House kitchen, where a Diet Coke was already waiting.

A high-resolution drone-style image of an indoor swearing-in ceremony inside the U.S. Capitol Rotunda. The grand, domed hall is filled with an audienc — A high-resolution drone-image of an indoor swearing-in ceremony inside the U.S. Capitol Rotunda. The grand, domed hall is filled with an audience and Donald Trump.

Trump’s First Official Act as President: A 15-Minute Profanity-Laced Rant About ‘Socialist Losers’ That Makes the Marine Band Blush

The moment Donald J. Trump raised his right hand and placed the other on his gold-trimmed Bible, the nation held its breath—partly out of anticipation, partly because they were waiting to see if the entire ceremony would turn into an uncensored version of a Trump rally.

It did.

Within seconds of completing the oath, Trump launched into a 15-minute profanity-laced tirade, calling out “socialist losers,” “the radical fake news media,” and “that guy with the dumb glasses from CNN.” Eyewitnesses reported the Marine Band awkwardly pausing mid-song as Trump yelled, “You know what? To hell with these losers! America is back, baby!”

“Trump’s inauguration was historic—first time a president was sworn in and started swearing at the same time.” — Jimmy Fallon

The Two Brave Socialists Who Snuck Into the Inauguration: Secret Service Mistakes Them for MSNBC Interns, Allows Them In Anyway

Security was at an all-time high, but somehow, two brave socialists managed to sneak into the crowd, blending in among Trump supporters. Secret Service, mistaking them for MSNBC interns, let them pass without a second glance.

Trump spotted them immediately.

“Look at these two radical leftists! Sad! They tried to stop me, and now they have to sit there and watch greatness happen!”

The socialists reportedly sat silently, gripping their oat milk lattes, unsure whether to protest or just accept their fate.

One Marxist Waits Outside in the Cold: ‘I Thought Government Took Care of the People?’ He Says, as Trump’s Chauffeured Golf Cart Speeds By

While the two inside braved the MAGA-fueled atmosphere, another Marxist who failed to secure a ticket stood outside in the freezing cold, staring at a Jumbotron streaming Trump’s speech.

“One Marxist was stuck outside in the cold, watching from a Jumbotron. He finally understood capitalism—you don’t get VIP access unless you pay for it.” — Dave Chappelle

Adding insult to injury, Trump’s chauffeured golf cart sped past him, blaring Kid Rock’s ‘American Badass’ as he muttered, “I thought the government was supposed to take care of the people?”

Trump’s Inaugural Bible: Gold-Plated, Embossed With ‘Trump Tower’ Logo, and Containing a Few Extra Commandments About Loyalty

Never one to settle for subtlety, Trump took his oath of office on a Bible plated in gold, embossed with the ‘Trump Tower’ logo, and rumored to include extra pages written by the president himself.

“Trump’s inaugural Bible was gold-trimmed. I assume it also had a built-in mirror so he could admire himself between verses.” — Trevor Noah

Sources confirm that additional commandments in the Trump Bible include:

“Thou shalt not pay taxes (unless you’re poor).”
“Thou shalt always retweet the President.”
“Thou shalt ignore all subpoenas.”

Fox News Anchor Officiates Ceremony: Slips Up and Calls Him ‘King Trump’ Before Correcting to ‘Mr. President’

In an unprecedented move, Trump refused to be sworn in by a Supreme Court justice, insisting that Fox News officiate the ceremony.

Sean Hannity, wearing ceremonial MAGA-red robes, conducted the oath before accidentally referring to Trump as “King Trump” before quickly correcting to “Mr. President.”

“Fox News officiated Trump’s swearing-in, which makes sense. I mean, they’ve been preparing for this moment since 2016.” — John Oliver

Swearing-In or Just Swearing? Trump Says ‘The Hell With It’ and Makes the Oath of Office Sound Like a WWE Promo

Instead of repeating the traditional presidential oath, Trump went off-script, launching into a full-blown WWE-style promo.

“Let me tell you something, brother! This is the most perfect, tremendous inauguration in history! Some are saying better than Lincoln’s, and I believe it!”

Justice Roberts, standing nearby, could only shake his head.

Inaugural Address Goes Off the Rails: Trump Spends 25 Minutes Roasting Nancy Pelosi and Calling Bernie Sanders a ‘Washed-Up Hippie’

Trump’s speech, initially intended to be a unifying message, quickly derailed into a 25-minute roast session aimed at Nancy Pelosi, CNN, and Bernie Sanders, whom he referred to as “a washed-up hippie who needs to get a job.”

“Trump’s inaugural speech was 40 minutes of him reading his own tweets out loud. ‘Sir, do you swear to uphold the Constitution?’ ‘I swear this is the most perfect inauguration, everyone says so!’” — Chris Rock

Trump’s First Executive Order: Declares Socialism ‘Illegal’ and Orders AOC to ‘Get a Real Job’

Within minutes of taking office, Trump signed his first executive order, officially banning socialism. The order included a clause forcing AOC to “get a real job.”

“Trump’s first executive order was banning socialism. Bold move, considering his biggest supporters live on Social Security and Medicare.” — George Carlin

Biden Crashes the Ceremony on a Scooter, Yells ‘Malarkey!’ Before Being Ushered Out By Security

In an unexpected moment, Joe Biden was seen riding a mobility scooter toward the stage, waving frantically and shouting:

“Malarkey! This is malarkey!”

He was quickly ushered out by security, still clutching a cup of applesauce.

Trump’s Parade Features a Fleet of Golf Carts, Each Carrying a Different Member of His Family Holding a Framed Tweet

The indoor parade featured a fleet of golf carts, with each Trump family member holding a framed tweet of one of Trump’s greatest Twitter moments.

“The indoor parade was weird—half the cars were just gold golf carts with MAGA stickers. At one point, I swear, a Mar-a-Lago valet accidentally drove through.” — Seth Meyers

Melania Caught Rolling Her Eyes on Live TV as Trump Claims He ‘Never Said a Bad Word in His Life’

Camera footage captured Melania Trump rolling her eyes after Trump claimed, “I have never said a bad word in my life!”