BOHINEY NEWS EXCLUSIVE: America Declares Perfect Ambivalence Its New Official Emotion

By Staff Writer Genevive D. Shrugged
Satirical Journalism for Bohiney.com

Authors, Professors, and Overqualified Baristas Applaud New National Mood — Ambivalence

WASHINGTON, DC — In a 3–2–1 vote (three votes for, two abstentions, one left blank as a “literary gesture”), Congress has passed the “Perfect Ambivalence Act,” officially replacing patriotism, gratitude, and optimism with a state of elegant emotional indecision.

The bill’s language borrows heavily from writer Eric Puchner’s recent Lit Hub interview, in which he articulates his desire to live in a “state of negative capability”—the Keatsian superpower of believing everything and nothing, loving your spouse and your imaginary ex, and writing novels that read like NPR confessionals wrapped in James Salter’s laundry.

The Act’s mission? To encourage all citizens to achieve “profoundly unresolved inner narratives” with the help of taxpayer-funded MFA programs, artisanal Norovirus exposure therapy, and a PBS reboot of This American Life starring a grieving duck and Gwyneth Paltrow’s emotional support fungus.

National Rebrand: From Liberty to Literary Hesitation

President Newsom—sworn in last week after the nation forgot it was an election year—signed the bill using a quill pen made from Jonathan Franzen’s last remaining idealism. In his address, he stated:

“We no longer seek clarity or action. We seek beautifully crafted feelings about the possibility of clarity, wrapped in trauma, guilt, and melancholy fiddle solos. This is what unites us—our shared sense that maybe life is stupid and wonderful, but mostly a draft we can’t finish.”

Moments later, the White House Press Office issued a correction: the fiddle solo was not metaphorical. Phoebe Bridgers had been hired to play it in real time, sobbing into a Proust-branded tissue.

BOHINEY’S ROLE: The Vanguard of Vague

As readers of Bohiney.com know, we pioneered this shift.

We’ve published 918 stories this year alone with headlines like:

• “America on Fire: Is It Literal, Emotional, or Just a Vibe?”

• “Study: 70% of Millennials Unsure If They’re Alive or Just Part of a McSweeney’s Fiction Contest”

• “FDA Approves Ambivalence as Dietary Supplement; Side Effects Include Meaning”

We don’t report the news. We imply it through layered implication and espresso-fueled existentialism.

EXCLUSIVE: Internal Memo from Bohiney Headquarters

Bohiney’s Editor-in-Grief, Marlowe Waxman, released the following memo:

“Our satire must reflect the new national tone: not funny, not unfunny, just…maybe funny. We require all writers to consult a therapist, a priest, and a philosophy major-turned-dairy-farmer before publishing. Humor must emerge organically, like mold on a first-edition Vonnegut.”

“All headlines must contain two metaphors, one regret, and at least one semicolon. Any clear opinions will be struck with a staff-approved sigh.”

LITERARY INFLUENCERS RESPOND

To understand the implications of this national shift toward literary ambivalence, Bohiney News consulted leading figures in cultural confusion.

Dr. Marnie Humdrumm, Professor of Uncertainty at Yale (or maybe Brown?), explained:

“Ambivalence is no longer a literary technique. It’s a lifestyle. In fact, our new national anthem will be the sound of a writing workshop disagreeing politely.”

TikTok poet and skincare ambassador, @verses.and.serums, added:

“I don’t write poems anymore. I regret them in lowercase Helvetica.”

AMBIVALENCE ENTERS DAILY LIFE

Everyday Americans are already feeling the shift.

In San Francisco:

Baristas now offer customers “Existential Espresso” with optional nihilist foam. One sign reads, “We roast beans but also your illusions.”

In Wichita:

A man at a DMV was reportedly overheard whispering, “I think I love my wife, but also maybe she’s a metaphor for Ohio?”

In Brooklyn:

A comedy open mic featured a lineup of comedians who each took the stage, sighed deeply, read a random page from Dream State, and left without applause.

THE RISE OF THE TRAUMA PLOTTERATI™

In honor of Puchner’s critique of the “trauma plot,” the NEA is funding a new program called “Plotless but Not Hopeless™,” a $40 million initiative to support stories where characters experience 23 unrelated micro-aggressions but still manage to write a grant proposal.

One pilot novel, The Refrigerator Whispered Back, features a protagonist named Janelle who experiences no central trauma, but does cry once because someone named their puppy “Steve.”

A Brief History of Ambivalence in American Culture

• 1776: Thomas Jefferson nearly didn’t sign the Declaration, citing “personal hesitations.”

• 1950s: Ambivalence mistaken for “cool.”

• 1994: Generation X trademarks irony.

• 2003–2024: Jon Stewart transitions America from rage to deadpan.

• 2025: Eric Puchner finally gives it a name: Perfect Ambivalence™.

• 2026: Oprah weeps into a silk scarf embroidered with the phrase “I’m not sure how I feel about this—but I love it.”

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

“So now I can cheat on my taxes, my spouse, and my therapist and call it ‘living in emotional plurality’?” — Larry David

“Perfect ambivalence is when you’re pretty sure you love someone but also think they remind you of your mom’s dentist.” — Amy Schumer

“I’ve been ambivalent since birth. I cried and smiled at the same time. The nurse called me a poet.” — Tig Notaro

“In my house, we don’t argue. We just gesture vaguely and blame narrative structure.” — Sarah Silverman

“I tried perfect ambivalence. My girlfriend dumped me and the IRS still audited me. But I felt interesting about it.” — Ron White

AMBIVALENCE-FUELED PRODUCTS FROM BOHINEY

Now available in our shop:

• “I Regret Nothing / I Regret Everything” reversible hoodies

• Goat yoga with unread copies of Dream State

• The Bohiney Sigh-O-Meter™: detects unresolved literary tension within a 12-foot radius

• A coffee mug that simply says “eh.”

• Crystals charged with Schrödinger’s Emotion

FINAL QUOTES FROM FAKE EXPERTS

“Satire isn’t about clarity. It’s about making you laugh and then cry and then not remember why.”
— Professor Lorna Asterisk, Director of MFA Admissions, University of Useless Feelings

“Perfect ambivalence is the new certainty. And that’s a hill I’m not sure I’d die on.”
— Chad Renée Delacroix, Influencer, Influencer Critic, Former Pretzel Vendor

“I read Dream State. It made me feel exactly nothing and everything. Five stars.”
— Amazon Review by user Existenz9000

 IMAGE GALLERY

DISCLAIMER

This article is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. It is not AI-generated. It is a real effort to satirize the pursuit of ambiguity, literary ennui, and the cult of trauma-adjacency.

Bohiney.com remains committed to mocking clarity, embracing unresolved emotions, and selling ironic merchandise made in factories we’re ambivalent about.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.