Voters Ready to Speak to a Manager
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Personal responsibility, one of America’s oldest political traditions, has announced its retirement following a disappointing election in which millions of voters decided it was time to try something considerably easier.
The concept, which helped generations of Americans establish businesses, build homes, raise families and occasionally read the instructions before assembling furniture, reportedly left public life without a farewell ceremony.
“I’ve had a good run,” Personal Responsibility explained through a spokesman. “But apparently everybody would rather speak to a manager.”
From Self-Reliance to Subpoenas: A Shift in National Expectations
The retirement follows a remarkable ideological transformation in which personal achievement is increasingly treated as evidence of privilege, while personal disappointment qualifies as a potential federal funding opportunity.
Political analysts describe the change as a revolution in national expectations.
“Americans once asked what they could do to improve their circumstances,” explained political consultant Michael Fairshare. “Today they’re more interested in knowing who should be subpoenaed because their circumstances haven’t improved.”
Fairshare has proposed establishing a National Responsibility Replacement Administration.
The agency will help citizens transfer responsibility for everyday setbacks to employers, corporations, landlords, wealthy relatives and, when necessary, the weather.
People who fail to receive promotions will be encouraged to investigate structural barriers before considering whether they have arrived late for work eighteen times.
Citizens dissatisfied with their bank balances will receive counseling about wealth inequality before being asked whether they purchased another expensive television.
The Numbers on Trust and Effort
Figures released alongside the announcement show that 71 percent of surveyed adults said they would “prefer to have somebody else handle” at least one major life decision, and 34 percent said they would prefer that somebody else also handle the “feelings about it.” For comparison, Gallup’s research on government effectiveness finds that fewer than half of Americans consider the federal government effective at improving lives, which has not slowed the line.
The Office of Unfair Consequences
The administration will also establish an Office of Unfair Consequences.
Its mission will be to investigate situations in which actions produce results that citizens find personally disappointing.
A man who fails to maintain his automobile will qualify for assistance after discovering that the vehicle no longer operates.
Someone who repeatedly misses mortgage payments may receive a government brochure explaining that banks are emotionally insensitive.
A college student who never attends class will be assigned a social justice adviser to determine why the university insists on academic participation.
“Consequences are an outdated concept,” Fairshare explained. “We believe outcomes should reflect people’s intentions, not necessarily their behavior.”
Read the Fine Print
The administration’s enrollment form includes a clause at the bottom of page two stating that “outcomes, benefits and disappointments are not guaranteed, and the applicant is responsible for the foregoing.” A reporter who pointed out the contradiction was thanked for his feedback and given a form to file it.
“A Heartbreaking Example of Someone Forced to Survive”
At a national economic conference, an elderly business owner questioned whether the new political philosophy might discourage initiative.
“My father arrived here with twenty dollars,” he explained. “He started a business and worked hard for forty years.”
Fairshare nodded sympathetically.
“That’s a heartbreaking example of someone forced to survive without adequate government support.”
The business owner appeared confused.
“He was proud of what he accomplished.”
“That’s often how internalized capitalism presents itself.”
Economists note that the long American record of small-business formation, tracked by the Small Business Administration, rests heavily on exactly the kind of risk-taking the administration now classifies as a hazard. The Library of Economics and Liberty has an entry on the subject, available for free.
The Retirement Plaque That Never Got Organized
The movement’s supporters insist that collective responsibility creates a more compassionate society.
Critics counter that compassion becomes considerably less impressive when the people offering it are always sending the bill to somebody else.
At the conclusion of the conference, organizers announced that Personal Responsibility would receive a commemorative retirement plaque.
The ceremony was canceled after nobody volunteered to organize it.
A government grant application was submitted instead.
Unfortunately, the application was rejected because the organizers had failed to complete the required paperwork.
They immediately demanded an investigation.
Five Humorous Observations
- Personal Responsibility retired through a spokesman. Of course he did. Anybody who still has a spokesman is already halfway to the other side.
- “Today they’re more interested in who should be subpoenaed because their circumstances haven’t improved.” That’s not a political philosophy. That’s my uncle at Thanksgiving, with a gavel.
- A guy fails to maintain his car, the car stops working, and he qualifies for assistance. I’ve done that, and what I got was a tow bill and a long, quiet look from my wife.
- The student who never attends class gets a social justice adviser to figure out why the university insists on “academic participation.” Sir, they insist because it’s the thing you paid for. It’s on the receipt.
- The commemorative plaque never happened because nobody volunteered to organize the ceremony. That’s the most accurate memorial ever built to personal responsibility, and nobody had to lift a finger. That was the point.