Interns Warned: Never Touch the Button Unless You Win Something First
Trump Installs “No Apologies” Button on Resolute Desk, Plays Patriotic Guitar Riff When Pressed
Interns Warned: Never Touch the Button Unless You Win Something First
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold redesign of presidential decor, Donald Trump has installed a custom-made “No Apologies” button at the center of the historic Resolute Desk. When pressed, the button plays an electrifying electric guitar riff and sprays a light mist of American cologne into the air.
“It’s about setting a tone,” Trump explained. “Lincoln had a beard. I have this button.”
Sources say the riff is a custom blend of Van Halen, Toby Keith, and an actual bald eagle scream, engineered by Kid Rock in a Nashville barn.
The desk also now features engraved phrases like “Never Backtrack” and “Feelings Are Optional.” A golden plaque reads: “Apologies weaken the wood.”
White House interns were briefed with a strict warning: only press the button if you just won a lawsuit, trade war, or Twitter poll. Mistaken presses result in a compulsory MAGA pep talk from Rudy Giuliani via voicemail.
Melania reportedly requested a matching button labeled “Silence,” but was told that would violate the mansion’s noise ordinance.
Critics argue it cheapens the Oval Office. Supporters say, “Finally, a desk that rocks.”
Trump summed it up best: “Every president needs a red button. Mine just plays freedom.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
