Insurance Companies Canceled Policies Before the LA Fires – And We All Know Why
The Real Reason Insurance Companies Fled California Faster Than Gavin Newsom From a Hard Question
By Skippy Flambeaux, Bohiney.com’s Risk Assessment Enthusiast
As the LA wildfires raged, many Californians found themselves stranded without home insurance. Why? Because insurance companies saw the flames coming and decided their safest investment was getting the hell out. But was it really just about wildfires? Or was it because the state’s leadership had all the fire safety instincts of a toddler with a flamethrower?
The truth, my friends, is all of the above.
They Read the Internal Memos From the Government and Said, ‘Nope.’
Insurance companies aren’t psychic, but they don’t need to be when California hands them a 200-page PDF titled “How to Manage Wildfires With Feelings and Yoga.” Karen Bass and Gavin Newsom’s approach to disaster prevention was less about stopping fires and more about understanding them.
- A leaked government document suggested a “culturally sensitive” fire response program where indigenous wisdom would be incorporated. Not through actual controlled burns, mind you—just acknowledging that fire exists.
- In a climate policy meeting, a California legislator reportedly asked, “Have we tried asking the fire to leave?”
- One government official suggested “mindfulness training” for first responders. Because nothing beats a five-alarm fire like a well-timed deep breath.
“California’s wildfire prevention plan is like a vegan barbecue—lots of good intentions, but everything still ends up burnt to a crisp.” — Bill Burr
Firefighters Were Replaced With ‘Climate Therapists’
With insurance companies already spooked, California made things worse by diverting emergency funds to climate trauma specialists.
- In LA, wildfire victims were encouraged to attend “grief processing circles” instead of evacuating.
- The state’s new initiative, Fires Have Feelings Too, aimed to decolonize firefighting methods—because apparently, using water is a microaggression against nature.
- A city-funded study concluded that fighting fire was an act of “environmental violence.” The recommended solution? More empathy.
“Insurance companies pulling out of California faster than a guy on a bad Tinder date. ‘Oh, you don’t believe in fire prevention? Yeah, I gotta go…'” — John Mulaney
‘Fireproof’ Homes Were Being Built Out of Bamboo and Hope
California introduced “green housing codes” that required homes to be made with eco-friendly, biodegradable materials. It turns out, when your walls are made of hemp and your roof is soy-based, fire insurance gets a little tricky.
- A San Francisco developer unveiled a new “fire-resistant” house made entirely out of pressed hay. It lasted four days.
- In Los Angeles, city planners approved wooden skyscrapers because steel beams weren’t “inclusive” enough.
- The state banned flame-retardant materials because they weren’t organic.
“Karen Bass said wildfires are a ‘housing crisis.’ Yeah, because it’s tough to get approved for a mortgage when your home loan literally went up in smoke.” — Dave Chappelle
Gavin Newsom Said, ‘We Have This Under Control’
Insurance companies don’t like risk, which is why they tend to freak out when the governor treats fire safety like a casual inconvenience.
- Newsom declared that California had a “comprehensive” fire response plan… while standing in front of a windmill.
- In a press conference, he suggested installing firebreaks made of solar panels—which are, for the record, highly flammable.
- His office once called wildfires “an opportunity for growth.”
“Gavin Newsom says he’s holding insurance companies accountable. That’s like blaming the guy running out of a burning building instead of the one who set it on fire.” — Chris Rock
The State Promised to Sue Wildfires for Damages
Instead of actual prevention, California decided the best way to stop wildfires was… litigation.
- The Attorney General announced an “investigation into climate change’s role in fire displacement,” as if climate change was a dude who could be subpoenaed.
- The state passed a law allowing residents to sue their own insurance companies for canceling policies. This resulted in… even more insurers leaving.
- One California city considered filing a restraining order against high winds.
“Newsom’s solution to wildfires? Sue climate change. Next up: a restraining order against earthquakes.” — Trevor Noah
California Banned Leaf Blowers, Because Those Were the Problem
Rather than focus on fuel loads—you know, the literal piles of dead brush—California cracked down on the real danger: landscaping equipment.
- Gas-powered leaf blowers were banned to help the environment, but the thousands of acres of untouched dry brush were left to “restore natural habitats.”
- Firefighters begged for funding to clear dead vegetation, but it went toward an electric scooter subsidy instead.
- A new wildfire response program suggested residents rake their yards, but only if it didn’t interfere with self-care time.
“California banned leaf blowers, but left an entire forest of dry brush sitting there. That’s like banning straws but ignoring the iceberg headed straight for you.” — Ricky Gervais
Even Arsonists Were Complaining About the Fire Risk
When arsonists start calling insurance companies to ask if they should evacuate, you know you have a problem.
- One convicted fire-starter called an insurance hotline to report feeling unsafe in LA.
- Arsonists in California have begun targeting already burning areas—because at least there’s less kindling.
- The state briefly considered legalizing controlled arson, as long as it was performed ethically.
“You know California’s in trouble when even the arsonists are like, ‘Damn, this is getting out of control.'” — Dave Attell
Insurance Companies Saw the Writing on the Wall—It Was in Smoke
So here we are. California burned, and the insurance companies dipped out before the first ember landed. Because when your state’s fire prevention plan is vibes and lawsuits, the only safe investment is a U-Haul out of there.
Insurance executives didn’t need a crystal ball. They just needed to look at Gavin Newsom’s perfectly groomed hair, the stack of unread wildfire reports, and the words “climate resilience meditation” to know: Yeah, this place is toast.
“Insurance companies took one look at Gavin Newsom’s fire prevention plan and said, ‘Yeah, we’ll cover more homes in Florida. With hurricanes. And alligators. And Florida Men.'” — Louis C.K.
The Real Reason Insurance Companies Fled California Faster Than Gavin Newsom From a Hard Question
They Read the Internal Memos From the Government and Said, ‘Nope.’
Nothing makes insurance executives tremble like reading a state memo that starts with “Equity-driven fire suppression strategy.” They saw Karen Bass and Gavin Newsom’s wildfire prevention plans, which included more poetry readings and fewer controlled burns, and they knew it was time to run.
Firefighters Were Replaced With ‘Climate Therapists’
When the state announced that some emergency response funds would be redirected to wildfire healing circles—where victims could express their trauma through interpretive dance—insurance companies realized their clients were about to be really, really toasted.
‘Fireproof’ Homes Were Being Built Out of Bamboo and Hope
California’s new ‘eco-conscious’ housing codes encouraged the use of biodegradable insulation and all-natural materials. Because nothing says ‘fire-resistant’ like houses made out of dried twigs and positive vibes.
Gavin Newsom Said, ‘We Have This Under Control’
Insurance companies know that the phrase “We have this under control” is always followed by a five-alarm disaster. Newsom promised fire prevention while posing in front of a windmill and a paper straw factory.
The State Promised to Sue Wildfires for Damages
Instead of managing controlled burns, the state launched a task force to investigate why fire keeps happening. Their solution? A lawsuit against climate change itself—a strategy that worked about as well as using a cease-and-desist order against a tsunami.
California Banned Leaf Blowers, Because Those Were the Problem
The state cracked down on leaf blowers for environmental reasons, but not on the metric tons of dry brush accumulating in every canyon. Because apparently, gas-powered landscaping is more dangerous than an ocean of kindling.
Karen Bass Declared Wildfires ‘A Housing Crisis’
Mayor Karen Bass’s solution to wildfires? Build more homes in fire zones and hand out rent assistance to people who just lost their homes to fire. Insurance companies realized the state’s official wildfire plan was basically “give everyone a tent and hope for the best.”
California Prioritized ‘Equitable Disaster Relief’ Over Actual Disaster Relief
Instead of funding real fire prevention, the state focused on making sure aid was equitably distributed—which meant more diversity consultants than firefighters. Insurance companies knew their clients were on their own.
Firefighting Drones Were Solar-Powered—And Only Worked During the Day
The state spent millions on high-tech, solar-powered drones to monitor fires—only to realize they didn’t work at night. Which is inconvenient, considering fires don’t have a bedtime.
Newsom Promised to ‘Hold Insurance Companies Accountable’… So They Left
Newsom blamed insurers for pulling out and threatened more regulations. That’s like telling a restaurant, “If you don’t like getting robbed, we’ll fine you for leaving.” Turns out, the companies just decided to leave for real.
The State’s ‘Wildfire Prevention’ Was Just a Hotline
California launched a fire safety hotline where concerned citizens could call and report fire hazards. Because when flames are barreling down a hillside at 70 mph, the best thing you can do is call customer service.
The Power Grid Couldn’t Even Handle a Tuesday
When your state’s power grid shuts down because too many people made coffee at once, insurance companies tend to lose faith in the system’s ability to stop a wall of fire.
The Fire Department’s New Hiring Rule: ‘No Experience Necessary’
To promote inclusivity, California relaxed firefighter hiring standards. One requirement they did keep? Candidates had to be certified in gender pronoun training.
Even Arsonists Were Complaining About the Fire Risk
When the people starting the fires begin calling the insurance companies to ask if they should evacuate, you know it’s bad. One convicted arsonist reportedly told an insurance rep, “Honestly, man, even I don’t feel safe here anymore.”
Insurance Companies Saw the Writing on the Wall—It Was in Smoke
Before the LA wildfires, insurance companies read the situation and did what any reasonable person would: they ghosted California like a bad Tinder date. Because when your state’s wildfire plan is vibes and lawsuits, the only safe investment is a moving truck.
Comedians Speak on Why Insurance Companies Canceled Policies Before The LA Fires
Insurance Companies Saw the Writing on the Wall—It Was in Smoke
- “California’s wildfire prevention plan is like a vegan barbecue—lots of good intentions, but everything still ends up burnt to a crisp.” — Bill Burr
- “Insurance companies pulling out of California faster than a guy on a bad Tinder date. ‘Oh, you don’t believe in fire prevention? Yeah, I gotta go…'” — John Mulaney
- “Karen Bass said wildfires are a ‘housing crisis.’ Yeah, because it’s tough to get approved for a mortgage when your home loan literally went up in smoke.” — Dave Chappelle
- “Gavin Newsom says he’s holding insurance companies accountable. That’s like blaming the guy running out of a burning building instead of the one who set it on fire.” — Chris Rock
- “California banned leaf blowers, but left an entire forest of dry brush sitting there. That’s like banning straws but ignoring the iceberg headed straight for you.” — Ricky Gervais
- “They spent millions on solar-powered drones to fight fires… and then realized they don’t work at night. That’s like inventing glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.” — Jimmy Fallon
- “You know California’s in trouble when even the arsonists are like, ‘Damn, this is getting out of control.'” — Dave Attell
- “Newsom’s solution to wildfires? Sue climate change. Next up: a restraining order against earthquakes.” — Trevor Noah
- “California’s firefighters are now required to take diversity training. Because when you’re surrounded by flames, the most important thing is making sure the fire feels included.” — Jim Jefferies
- “Insurance companies took one look at Gavin Newsom’s fire prevention plan and said, ‘Yeah, we’ll cover more homes in Florida. With hurricanes. And alligators. And Florida Men.'” — Louis C.K.