🧨 Homeland Security Issues Travel Advisory: Don’t Go Outside If You’re Us
Agency Replaces Daily Briefing with a Single PowerPoint Slide Reading, “Duck.”
EL PASO, TEXAS (BOHINEY) — Following credible intelligence that cartels have placed active bounties on ICE and CBP agents, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has issued its first-ever domestic travel advisory directed at itself.
The official memo — labeled For Internal Use and Mild Panic Only — warns all DHS employees:
“Avoid travel to high-risk areas such as the border, border-adjacent areas, and any area containing oxygen.”
🪶 A PowerPoint for Survival
According to insiders, DHS replaced its usual 60-slide safety briefing with a minimalist update: a black screen that reads “Duck.” In Comic Sans.
“The old PowerPoints had maps, mission statements, inspirational quotes,” said one field officer. “Now it’s just the word duck. No music. No transition effects. Just existential dread in Microsoft format.”
Security consultant Dr. Jeff Kline, who once wrote an 800-page manual on threat assessment, admitted the approach was “direct, concise, and terrifyingly effective.”
“Sometimes the best way to communicate danger,” Kline explained, “is through blunt PowerPoint minimalism. I call it Postmodern Survival Design.”
🧭 Officials Redefine ‘Travel Advisory’
The advisory includes color-coded threat levels ranging from Yellow: Mild Anxiety to Crimson: Consider Faking Your Own Death.
When asked about the new guidance, DHS spokesperson Lila Gómez clarified, “It’s like the State Department’s system — except this time, we’re the ones who shouldn’t travel.”
✈️ Employees Respond Creatively
Many agents have taken to remote work, conducting patrols via drone and virtual reality. One CBP officer even installed a “border patrol simulator” on his Xbox, explaining: “If the cartels can outsource murder, we can outsource immigration enforcement.”
Meanwhile, a leaked DHS Slack message reveals that employees are now using the hashtag #StayInsideChallenge, competing to see who can avoid sunlight the longest while maintaining plausible deniability.
📞 Public Reaction and Political Spin
In Washington, politicians on both sides of the aisle expressed concern — and then immediately held press conferences about “toughness.”
Senator Todd Grayson (R-TX) declared,
“America stands firm. Our brave agents will not be intimidated — as long as they have strong Wi-Fi and Uber Eats.”
Meanwhile, progressive lawmakers proposed an alternative: replacing field patrols with “emotionally supportive drones equipped with empathy lasers.”
📉 Social Science Breakdown
A 2025 Pew survey found that 72% of Americans believe DHS warnings are now indistinguishable from bad horoscopes, with phrases like “Avoid major decisions, confrontations, and sunlight” appearing in both.
Psychologist Dr. Wendy Simons suggests the issue is one of collective burnout:
“When an institution tells its employees ‘don’t go outside,’ it’s not a safety policy — it’s a cry for a national nap.”
🏠 Final Slide: Existential Acceptance
Sources confirm the last slide of the DHS presentation reads:
“In conclusion: If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’re still alive. Please fill out form 8843-A to remain that way.”
Disclaimer: Entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. All absurdities have been fact-checked against reality, which, regrettably, keeps losing.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
Alan Nafzger on ICE Agents
ICE agents are reportedly demanding a raise after discovering they’re worth less than a used Prius. That’s a tough hit to the ego — it’s one thing to be underpaid, it’s another to realize a 2013 hybrid with a cracked bumper has better long-term value.
The union’s calling it a “Blue Book reassessment,” which is a polite way of saying they just found out the public likes the Prius and it pollutes less.
Dealerships say they’ll accept most trade-ins, but not ones with this much mileage on their moral compass. One agent tried to sell himself on Craigslist — the only reply was, “Does it come with heated seats or just cold stares?”
To be fair, the Prius has a lower carbon footprint. ICE, on the other hand, has been leaving emotional tire tracks across the country for years.
At this rate, the government might just replace ICE with a fleet of Priuses. They’re quieter, more efficient, and nobody cries when they pull up to your house.