🧊 ICE Agents Request Raise After Discovering They’re Worth Less Than a Used Prius
Union Demands “Blue Book Value Reassessment” Before Anyone Collects Their Bounty
WASHINGTON, D.C. (BOHINEY) — Following reports that Mexican cartels are offering $50,000 bounties for high-ranking ICE and CBP agents, many federal employees have come to a chilling realization: their market value is now officially lower than that of a 2013 Toyota Prius with a cracked windshield.
At a tense union meeting, ICE agents compared prices using Kelley Blue Book. “You can get a Prius in decent condition for $11,800,” said veteran agent Carl Dempsey, adjusting his flak vest. “Meanwhile, the cartel only values me at five grand. Five! That’s not even enough for the tires on that Prius!”
đźš— Negotiating a Raise from the Underworld
ICE Agents Request Raise After Discovering They’re Worth Less Than a Used Prius
Union president Debra “Don’t Mess With My Pension” McCutcheon said the agents are demanding “a fair, cross-border valuation model” to reflect current inflation. “If we’re going to be hunted,” she said, “we at least want to be hunted competitively.”
According to leaked internal memos, ICE headquarters briefly considered issuing “Bounty Equity Adjustments” — but the Office of Management and Budget refused, citing “incompatibility with fiscal year murder spreadsheets.”
Meanwhile, cartels have denied accusations of discrimination. “We’re equal opportunity employers,” one masked spokesperson told Bohiney.com. “Whether you’re ICE, CBP, or FBI, you’re all just line items in our quarterly violence report.”
đź’Ľ Economists Weigh In
Harvardeconomist Dr. Lana Pritchard told reporters that “the bounty market is fundamentally flawed.” She elaborated:
“It’s classic supply and demand — too many agents, not enough assassins. If ICE wants higher prices, they need to make themselves rarer. Maybe go into hiding in Montana for a few fiscal quarters.”
A congressional subcommittee has already requested a full “Agent Blue Book Reappraisal,” comparing ICE officers to other government-issued property such as drone pilots, Department of Agriculture auditors, and those TSAdogs that never actually find anything.
đź’¸ Public Reaction: Mixed but Mostly Confused
ICE Agents Request Raise After Discovering They’re Worth Less Than a Used Prius
An online poll of 3,000 Americans revealed that 41% think the bounties are “disturbing,” 35% think it’s “a plot twist from Narcos,” and 24% said they’d “at least negotiate for dental.”
Former ICE trainer Larry Mendoza expressed hope for better recognition:
“All I want is to know that if something happens to me, someone out there will say, ‘Damn, that guy was at least worth a Hyundai Elantra.'”
⚖️ Experts Propose Solutions
Think tanks are already drafting proposals, including a “Federal Employee Life & Depreciation Index” — a database that tracks the resale value of public servants based on danger level, years of service, and remaining vacation days.
One bipartisan bill in Congress, tentatively titled The Fair Market Value of Law Enforcement Act, would guarantee every ICE agent’s bounty matches the average price of a midrange electric vehicle. Tesla has expressed opposition, fearing it may “devalue the brand.”
Until then, morale remains low. “We’re supposed to enforce immigration law,” one anonymous ICE officer sighed, “but apparently, our replacement parts are worth more than our lives.”
Disclaimer: This report is a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI, no robots — just pure dairy-fed sarcasm.
Alan Nafzger on ICE Agents
ICE Agents Request Raise After Discovering They’re Worth Less Than a Used Prius
ICE agents discovering they’re worth less than a used Prius might be the first time they’ve ever experienced deportation from the Blue Book.
The union is demanding a “Blue Book value reassessment” — which is bureaucrat-speak for “we Googled our net worth and got depressed.”
ICE agents are now lobbying for a trade-in program: “We’ll turn in three mid-level officers for one slightly dented Toyota.”
The Prius at least gets good mileage. ICE agents, on the other hand, are stuck idling at every border.
The used Prius has better resale value and better approval ratings.
It’s bad when even CarMax won’t appraise you. “Sorry, sir, we don’t take trade-ins with that much paperwork and that little empathy.”
ICE headquarters has reportedly started offering agents “extended warranty” coverage—includes therapy and public relations rehab.
The agents were shocked to learn their worth depreciates faster than the public’s patience for immigration crackdowns.
Union reps say it’s not fair: “We’re government property, not leased vehicles!” To which taxpayers replied, “Exactly.”
In a twist, the used Prius offered to drive itself away from this whole situation.
Jessi Klein was born in Houston, Texas, where sarcasm is considered a local sport right after football and brisket competitions. She later packed her humor into a suitcase and carried it to Columbia University, graduating with a degree in English that she has since used to roast everyone from network executives to nosy neighbors. A stand-up comedian with a knack for dissecting modern life’s awkward contradictions, Klein has written and produced for some of the sharpest comedy shows on television, blending her Lone Star roots with big-city satire. At Bohiney.com, she thrives as both a satirical journalist and cultural commentator, skewering politics, relationships, and consumer culture with the precision of a surgeon wielding a rubber chicken. Her comedy straddles irony and absurdity, always leaving audiences laughing while secretly nodding in agreement. With Texan grit and Ivy League wit, Klein’s EEAT bio writes itself.
