Backyard Bar Mitzvahs
“It Was Holy. It Was Homemade. It Was Hydraulically Inadvisable.”
To save money, the Feldmans decided to host young Eli’s bar mitzvah in their backyard, featuring a buffet of bagel bites, a trampoline instead of a bimah, and a rabbi-DJ combo known locally as DJ Dreidelicious.
“He spun both records and the Torah,” said one uncle. “Sometimes simultaneously.”
The ceremony went smoothly until the hora, when guests lifted Eli on a folding chair next to the inflatable kiddie pool. One misstep led to a splash heard across the neighborhood–and a soaked Torah scroll now stored in rice.
The event ended with Eli rapping his haftorah portion, followed by a candle-lighting ceremony using leftover birthday candles and a lava lamp.
Guests received party favors: homemade challah-scented candles and a flyer for Dreidelicious’ mixtape *From Sinai to the Streets.*
The Feldmans have no regrets. “He became a man. Also, possibly a meme.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
